Tuesday, August 11, 2009

How is it possible....

I am truly amazed at God's timing. Losing half of our income right before a new baby may seem stressful but actually it hasn't been stressful or hard at all. It's been nice having Todd home with the boys...and we all are enjoying our summer more! We're saving money on daycare and it has pushed Todd to get ready for doing so he's also preparing the boys to go back to school. We looked at our finances and decided that this wasn't financially a bad thing...we looked at our upcoming expenses and found that we have a few big upcoming expenses...the first is of course school supplise...we bought them before Todd stopped working...we weren't really planning ahead, we were just excited....they have new book bags, lunch boxes, glue sticks, crayons, markers, tissues, baby wipes, ziplock name it, they have it. Another big expense was going to be new school clothes....Ethan needs 4 pairs of jeans, socks, 6 long-sleeved white/gray/black t-shirts to go under his short sleeved shirts that we bought at the start of school but still fit perfectly and a new hoodie, he'll also need a new winter coat, Lane will need 3 pairs of jean, socks, 6 long-sleeved t-shirts, new shoes and a new hoodie....but nothing is pressing and Todd got 2 large checks from his retirement fund for way more than they will need for school clothes. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays...Lane wants to be a vampire this year, Ethan just can't decide and we already have Baby ACs costume...Lane's vampire can easily be made from the batman cape we have...a little white face make up, blood streaming from his mouth, and fake teeth....we're soon as Ethan decides what he wants to be, I can get to work on his costume! And the BIG expense coming up? Christmas! We're lucky to have a medical expense account...I have paid lots of medical bills recently out of pocket that I haven't redeemed the money for, so I'll redeem that money and have nearly $500 for Christmas...which is more than we usually spend...we cut back on Christmas this year and that's helped tremendously! I've started a list to give me an idea of how much we'll need/want to spend this year. And in January we will hopefully be paying off one of our 2 credit cards, which will free up money for the boys birthday...each year we take the boys out to eat and give them $50 to spend on whatever they want...or they can save it for a time when there is something they REALLY want...we encourage saving but don't push it on them at this age...we talk about saving and living with what we have but I don't want to push it down their know? Anyways, I think sitting down and discussing upcoming expenses and where they'll come from has really helped to reduce the stress of losing Todd's income. Not to mention having a stock pile of diapers is a huge relief!

Why doesn't he sleep?

Last night at bed time everything went as normal, the boys went potty, stripped out of the days clothes, washed up, brushed teeth, said prayers, good night kisses and laid down quietly...and I went to bed in the next room...not another sound was heard (I have good bed goers). So why at 2:30 am was Ethan still awake....and why at 4:30 was he back up...and why won't he sleep past 9:00? Which means that at most he got 6 hours of sleep! WHY ISN'T HE AS EXHAUSTED AS THE REST OF US!?!? I think this is a symptom of ADHD but he's a happy little guy...he has to be sleep deprived though! Lane Michael can and will sleep through anything and when he's tired he goes to bed....he asks to sleep, and loves it....he's our early riser but enjoys an afternoon nap when possible! He'll be the one up with long as he doesn't try to lift the baby! LOL! The good thing is we'll all be home for the first few weeks to get into a good schedule...the boys are going back to school on September 9th and it seems so soon but hopefully we'll get lots of good time in together before then and hopefully we can find a way to get this boy to sleep!

Monday, August 10, 2009

What Will I Feel?

How will it feel to hold a new baby that isn't Braden? A baby that will scream at me because I'm the Mom...a baby who will sleep in Braden's room, a baby who will fill Braden's spot at the dinner table...people have often said that "this isn't you replacing Braden" yes it is. I'm not having a 4th baby because I want 4 children, I wouldn't be pregnant right now if I had a 2 1/2 yr old sitting in my living room wrestling with his brothers...I'd have a complete family. I wouldn't have to search my dreams for that red-headed, freckle faced boy. I wouldn't have to hope that this is a girl so that I don't compare, and see Braden in the babies every move. I wouldn't have to tell Todd that we can't name Baby AC Holden because I already call AC Braden from time to time, especially when we can't get him/her to move for hours on end. But again, will I be sad that my "middle child" isn't here to kiss the baby...will I stop searching for Braden in the Vacation Bible School Program? Will there still be a space in family photos where Braden should be wiggling (at this age)....and when my friends little guys go to school, will I look for Braden to get off the bus after school with his big brothers? Or will life feel normal at last? Not that I'll ever forget him but sometimes I wish we weren't that family....I wish we didn't have 3 pregnancies to compare...not that I would wish Braden away but the stigma...the hurt....but mostly the sympathy and awkward silences that go along with people realizing we have a sweet baby boy waiting for us in Heaven. We don't feel awkward about talking about Braden or how much we miss him, we don't feel awkward when the boys have questions or when our friends wring their hands and ask questions. We feel awkward when other people feel awkward. Ethan has already started being a little jealous of the baby....but he'll always have a place...where is Braden's place after this? Yesterday we were unpacking bottles that came from my cousins house, and Todd mentioned bringing down the other bottles to sterilize them this week....and my first thought "don't open them before the baby comes home in case we have to return them"....followed by a rush of guilt and even more embarrassment. I haven't thought much about this babies survival....I think out of self-preservation but sometimes it sneaks up on me and for just a split second let my guard down. In those few seconds I always feel a sense of removal from the baby, from Braden and from reality. The reality of the situation is that we will probably bring a baby home this time...a happy baby, who we've waited a very long time for...a baby we want very badly...but that's only a probably.