WHILE WE WAIT!

I have so much to do while we wait but what if we wait almost a year and have nothing to do while we wait and then what if the day after we're licensed we get our call and we aren't ready...so, I will be ready. My cousin and I are going to pinstripe the room. Todd and I are going to get a crib...maybe paint it and maybe not. I'm going to get my bassinet from whoever I get it from and garage sales here I come! I will be ready...and then I will wait. To occupy the months that stretch ahead of us...a lightless tunnel...we will entertain ourselves...we will work with our boys on kindergarten skills, we will prepare for and enjoy our first summer vacation since we left Texas, I will work, and day dream (preferrably not at the same time) I will try to memorize the order of the books of the Bible, I will learn to do the hair of a little girl...whether she be white, black, asian, mixed, I will learn to do little girl hair, we will enjoy the summer and I will close our daughter's bedroom door. I will distract myself. I have two wonderful children and I enjoy them and each of their strengths, each of their personalities...and quite frankly I'm enjoying this new found independence. Last month they turned five, and something in them changed...Lane stopped fussing, Ethan started cooperating at school and they both have matured into little boys...they have likes and dislikes...Lane loves puzzles...I might venture to say that he has the memory of an elephant...but I'm a biased mommy...that and he beats me at memory and puzzle races hands down! Ethan is loving and affectionate...well he was when he was four...now I have a hard time getting him to slow down long enought to kiss me...he plays basketball and loves it...I really should get them a YMCA membership...or maybe just take them outside to play more...I hate the winter weather...I hate everything about it...I just want to take my kids outside to play...but I don't like going out during the winter...Ethan has no immune system, and it seems like *knock on wood* that this is the first winter he hasn't been sick the WHOLE time...so maybe we're onto something! Of course, we're in a new house and our lifestyle has changed...so maybe he's come out of it...and maybe his body is just beginning to mature enough to fight off the common cold. Anyways, back to what I will do to entertain myself while I wait...I will enjoy my children and give them the attention and the one on one time that they deserve.

4-WHEELER

My husband has been waiting 22 years for a 4-wheeler and this weekend he finally got one. He's been on it ever since and bless his heart because he got his 4-wheeler, he's volunteered to help me out and clean the house tonight...now we all know that most men don't do the cleaning job that usually needs done but if he even gets the majority done I can come behind and vaccuum and dust and do the down and dirty cleaning. I was sick yesterday...I think it was sinuses but it caused an ocular migraine...I get these from time to time. I can't handle light (especially natural light) and I have to pretty much sleep it off...my eyes water and my nose runs...it's just messy and miserable...but the good thing is it only lasts about 24 hours, which makes it not so bad! Anyways, we have our homestudy coming up on the 15th, the house isn't bad but I'd like to have certain things done by then...I know I won't get them all done but we have a finished basement and behind the family room is a storage room and I'd like that to get organized...we have all of our military uniforms down there, our decorations, my doll collection, and much much more down there, we have our emergency pantry, and both furnaces and the hot water heater...not to mention stuff that really just needs thrown in the trash...then we have an attic that has our gun safe and Todd's child hood memorablia and stuff that we could live without but my husband refuses to...then in the garage attic we have the rest of my doll collection (it's huge) and more Christmas decorations...how much storage does one family really need? At any rate I'd like to get organized so last night after my family went to bed I started...all I got done was some much needed laundry and I got the infant car seat and stroller moved upstairs plus all the diapers we had for Braden are now in the nursery instead of the basement...needless to say it's slow going! I have so much to do tonight that I'm not sure where to start...I'd like Todd to help but he works SO many hours that I always feel bad asking...not so bad that I won't ask though!

It seems like everyone in my family is pregnant right now...my cousin's wife is due this month, I have a cousin due this month, another cousin due next month, my sister is due in April and my poor cousin just lost her first...she had a first trimester miscarriage this month. She feels very respoinsible...I wish I could just tell her that it's not her fault...but I remember that feeling...I was lucky enough to have my sister (who lost 3 babies) there to tell me to expect the blame to come and I could recognize it and it's self destructive pattern. I want to be that person for her...she will be such a good mom. I'll call her. She'd been trying for six months and was SO excited to finally be pregnant...I just want to makes things ok...and no one can...I want to be here for her. Please pray for my cousin as she goes through this!

Affording Adoption

I never knew how people afforded adoption and quite frankly I'm still at a loss...living in Ohio has it's ups and downs...more ups for us but some downs. One of the many ups is the cost of living. I read about what it costs to live in other areas and what I'm finding is that in any other area at this point we wouldn't be able to purchase our home...we bought our first house, a 5 acre farm, the house was 2850 sq ft and it ran us about $72,500. and this house we're in now is prime location, it has a finished basement, a sun porch, three bedrooms two bath and it's perfect for us, it was $91,500...I don't think there's one other area that we could have bought this gorgeous house for this price...so I understand that in other areas $40,000 wouldn't be a lot for an adoption but that seems like a lot of money...I understand where that money is going, lawyer fees (a lawyer for the birth mother and a seperate lawyer for the adoptive family), counseling for the birthmother, and all medical costs that go into having the baby, not to mention lost wages (maternity leave) and the list goes on...I understand that she's making a huge sacrifice but if we were to go through an agency or a lawyer for our adoption, we too would have time off work. I guess what I'm saying is that to me it seems like adoption is set aside for the wealthy...I have as much to offer a child as any one else...in raising my two biological children, what I'm finding is that money has the least to do with my parenting...in raising them, I've found that no matter what our annual income is, I'm very much the same Mommy either way. I still want all the same things for my childre (and I don't mean worldly possessions)...So how does the normal American family afford to adopt? Do you save for so long that you're older when you can finally adopt? Do you take out loans so big that you can never again afford the luxeries and if you do get that perfect child you've waited your whole life for, can you never again afford to give that one perfect child a brother or sister...I know that God will provide...he always does...and all of my ranting and raving that I've done here today has nothing to do with our choice in method of adoption...we aren't going through a lawyer or an agency, we're going to adopt a child from foster care...not because of the cost but because we have the opportunity to complete our family. Our biological children have always had some kind of medical issue...pretty much from day one, so medical issues are something we can deal with. Besides, looking at the pictures on the web pages of waiting children breaks my heart...I have fallen deeply for so many and I'm so happy that they have found homes that I can't wait to see my child's face on that page with a heart beside it that indicates that our baby is in it's forever family...that thier last name will be the same as ours and that night when I tuck that beautiful baby into bed I can call her my own, forever and ever. I will raise her with her brothers and her cousins, I will watch her meet milestones and raise her to be the best person she can and to meet her potential, to love people and be expressive. I want all the things for her that I want for my boys...and I haven't met her yet. I can't wait!

WHERE TO BEGIN...

Ok, so life has been CRAZY!!!! I'll have to back WAY up to get it all in...We started our adoption classes on January 5th and they're more like Foster classes because they're geared toward couples who are wanting to do Foster care...here in the state of Ohio you have to take 24 hours of classes to be a foster parent and then an extra 9 hours to be an adoptive parents...so on the 5th we had our first 6 hours and it went well. We were introduced to 10 other couples in our surrounding area all looking to adopt or foster...some are unable to have children of their own and others are able but aren't and some like us just want to adopt...without paying for the baby...no matter how you aquire the baby it's still a difficult road...the baby still isn't from your blood...so we took this road because with an agency people are struggling and fighting or competing for a baby...those babies will all find homes...but through Foster care, these babies may never have had a home...we didn't like the idea of International adoption because of all the travel and quite frankly why give a child from another country a home when there are SO many children here on our soil that need a home, a family and all the things that everyone wants for thier children (yes I do know how that sounds but I just can't help feeling this way). So back to the classes...they're interesting...they're good classes for everyone to take...not just people hoping to become Foster or Adoptive parents...they teach you the in's and out's of our system and I'm learning about the damage abuse can do...it turns out that neglect is worse than abuse...in most situations...becuase neglect is 24/7/365...and children truly can die from this...and we're learning how these kids feel when they're taken from their home...it was scary to feel even a fragment of that...it was panic attack scary! But I think one of the best things I'm getting out of this is the relationship with other couples who just want to start or complete or continue their families! They're all wonderful people with big hearts! So as of right now we're still looking to be adoption ready by the 1st of April...and to correct an earlier blog entry...I didn't buy my crib bedding set...my aunt had bought one to put in Casa Chic (CUTE store in Wapak, Ohio with all sorts of specialty items, including hand painted furniture) and when I saw it I knew it was perfect...perfect! So my cousin and I are going to pin stripe the walls to match the crib set. And my mom bought our first outfit for her...it's beautiful, it's a pink dress with a little pink sweater to go over it...I love it dearly! I guess this means we're on our way...I'm nervous and excited and still trying to remind myself that 30% of couples experience at least one failed adoption...please pray we aren't one of them!

In more happy news (made me cry), my twin four year old boys are now FIVE year old boys...when did my babies become big boys? Where was I and why didn't someone stop them? So what my cousin Rebecca and I have decided is that while women have anti-aging cream, we want anti-aging medication for our children...it doesn't feel five years ago that they were premies with all the premie problems. Ethan had a hard time holding his body temp and Lane was born with an odd shaped head which required a helmet to correct it...Thank you Amanda (sister in law) who suggested it! Ethan was deaf and Todd (hubby) was headed to Iraq...I can't imagine why my mom started smoking again and my dad had a heart attack...did I mention I was in Germany when I got pregnant and the boys came two weeks from being German American dual citizens! LOL! Fun times! Any way, back to the subject at hand! We had thier first birthday party with friends...we invited both preschool classes and an assortment of friends from church and a couple of cousins...we ended up with 6 adults and 20 kids 5 and under...it was so much fun! We only had it for an hour so that we didn't have them too long and the kids get bored...it wasn't quite enough time but it sure was fun! The boys ran and played and no one fought or got hurt...all was good thanks to a nicely finished basement!

And on to some not so good news...My dad has cancer ( I don't think I've blogged on here at all about this) in his colon, liver and lungs. Well on the 24th (boys b-day) he had a CT scan and yesterday they got the results back. It wasn't the remission we were hoping for...it's bad. They said it has doubled in size and is inoperable...he will start a more agressive chemo today and it'll make him sick but it may shrink the cancer, so we'll see where this puts us. Please pray for us...all of us but especially my dad, and my boys...they're so attached to my dad...we lived there off and on for the first 3 years of thier life and I've said from day one that if I ever lose Lane Michael it will be to my dad...and now I'm starting to say it about Ethan too...So please pray for us.

On another happy note...I payed of my van yesterday...I've only had it about 2 years and this is the first time in my adult life to have a vehicle payed off that wasn't a car made in 1979! It's very exciting for me! Todd can now have his 4-wheeler! Yippee! He's been waiting his whole life for this!

Adoption Classes

Todd and I started our adoption classes this weekend...it was interesting. There were about 10 couples there looking to either adopt or get a license to be foster placements...I learned a lot about people's needs to do this. We originally looked into this as a way to complete our family, but they seem to all have different needs. Some of them were empty nesting, some had religious reasons and a couple of them needed a way for one parent to be a stay at home parent. One family in particular has 4 kids all with medical needs. They are really perfect for this. They know the ins and outs of medical needs and have a big enough home for this...besides she's a stay at home mom and was at one time a guardian ad litum...someone put in place who has only the child's best interests at heart. So they know the system...but in talking to them I'm starting to question if they'll get approved...we had our fire inspection done and it said that if we have a wood burning stove we COULD NOT for any reason be foster or adoptive parents, and a wood burning stove was their soul source of heat. I would feel bad if they were n't able to go through with this because they seem perfect! But on the other hand I know where the state is coming with this because I dont know that I would be comfortable with a wood burning stove...esp. knowing how kids are...my five year old Ethan has recently decided that he thinks it's ok to open the stove...we've always laid out this rule very clearly and he continues to open the oven...we are just at our wits ends with what to do about it...So if we have this problem with our own who has known the rules from day one, I'm sure that these kids are coming from a home where the rules were different and therefore are confused about the change in house rules...I know I would be!

Braden

I was going to post yesterday but I couldn't work let alone concentrate on this. One year ago yesterday my baby boy left me for Heaven. Braden Michael Skaggs was born 1/3/07 weighing 7lbs 4 oz, he had red hair and his dad's mouth. He was beautiful! So last night my family through a birthday party for us. They brought cake and games and a poem my Grandma had written for him...it's wonderful. My family is so good to me. They cried with me and for me and they didn't push me to be ok but allowed me to just be sad! It's hard to find time to just be sad any more. From the beginning we've tried to be very honest with Lane and Ethan, that we weren't going to bring Braden home because he died and went to live in Heaven with God, we won't see him until we go to Heaven...all these answers that may be what they need to hear and may land them in some very expensive therapy...but since we started the adoption process we've been telling them that we'll have another baby but this baby won't grow in my tummy but in some other mommy's tummy, and we'll all love this new baby. Since we opted or a girl we tell them that they're going to have a sister and Lane was always very senistive about Braden but now Ethan will cry that he just wants his baby brother Braden back (say that 5 times fast) and that he doesn't want another baby...especially a girl baby. So we are trying to talk about it less, not that it makes it hurt less but maybe will bring it up less often...my boys are so sensitive to everything we feel that it's hard to show much emotion in front to them. The last time Ethan and I had this conversation he cried so hard and so long that he finally cried himself to sleep, and then when i accidentally woke him up he started crying again...poor guy...he isn't usually this sensitive to anything....

In happier news, we start our adoption classes this weekend! Yippee!! We'll be taking a 6 hour class (1 hour lunch) about an hour south so we'll have to be away from my boys for 9 hours, yuck! But it's really one of the last legs in the first part of the adoption. We should be adoption ready April 1st...I hope to have the nursery done by then! I bought the crib set and now can start to plan the nursery around that! YEAH! I want to do pink and white stripes on the walls with black pin stripes in between! I don't know though...

Christmas and New Year

So it was a wonderful Christmas for us...we got to see everyone we wanted to see...for the most part and the boys seemed to really enjoy it! We started our festivities on the 24th when we had a candlelit dinner at my parents house, then we spent the evening baking from scratch (which is something I should do more often...but don't). Then the boys opened thier Christmas Pajamas (a long standing tradition in our family...the kids get to open Christmas Pajamas on Christmas eve for good luck and to settle that need to open SOMETHING! it's much loved by all!!) After the boys were bathed and in their jammies we took them back home and read the 'Twas the Night Before Christmas" snuggled them down in, said our prayers and went to bed. Todd and I usually sit up for awhile making sure everything is perfect for Christmas, say a prayer for our children and for our Angel Baby then off to bed we go. On Christmas we all get up open gifts and eat breakfast...Lane has to eat a small snack before he can begin so that he doesn't run low waiting for breakfast. Soon after we all eat, get dressed and head back to my parents. This year and every year from here on out though things will be different because we stop to see our son...we think of him and how he would change what we're doing...or how different life would be with him here...what he might have gotten for Christmas this year and what it would have been like to watch him rip through the paper...enjoying the boxes and bows more than he'll ever like the gifts...but we won't ever have that with Braden...so we have to make due with our imagination. After the cemetary we head to my folks...arriving at about 3, and at 4:30 we head to my grandma's and see my mom's side of the family, we exchange gifts and then it's straight back to the folks for gifts with my sisters and brother (if they're in town - - not usually though). We spend the evening laughing, playing with new toys and being in general too loud! It was fun but you know there's just something missing!

On New Years Day this year we went to my parents for supper but when we got there the motor home roof was laying in the yard...it's a nice motor home...or was and wasn't near old enough for something like that to happen...so armed with bungy cords, and one HUGE tarp we headed out to check out the damage...God bless my husband...he worked his butt off trying to save as much as he could....so we wrapped it in the tarp and prayed for the best...what a start to a new year! Good news is they have a great insurance agent who luckily put all the right insurance on the motor home when they bought it!