What if's that we are crazy enough to laugh about...

I was told (while I was in the Army) that after the boys were born, I had a really good chance of having a second set of twins...

So last night, Todd and I were talking about what we want for our family *with special consideration to God's plan* and what we decided is this. We will talk to my doctors, my endocrinologist and see if he thinks my body could produce a healthy baby. If it can we will go looking for an OB that will induce me at 38 weeks (we would only do this if the baby will be healthy coming that early). I have very good reasons for refusing to go past 38 weeks. When I find this doctor, I will talk to them about vitamens and folic acid, which can't be taken with my synthroid because it would be cancelled out by the vitamen. Then I will present this doctor with my list of questions and if (and only if) I'm satisfied after all of that, we will start trying in January February and March (stop in April). I want a baby for Christmas...my first choice is a November baby but I'll take anything healthy. If pregnancy is not a choice, we'll look into what our insurance pays for surrogates...if anything. It's a very expensive procedure (egg harvesting, fertilizing eggs with DH sperm and planting in surrogate mommy plus the expense of adopting the baby after birth from SM...I think I have the procedure right and if I don't, someone should break it down better for me). If that doesn't work we'll be happy with the children we have. During this process, we will continue on the adoption process. If we have a child placed in our family before we get pregnant, we won't have the child removed. and this is where the twins explanation from above fits in...what if we then get pregnant with twins. Five babies! LOL!!

Starting Fresh...

my cousin is allergic to my dog, and she's staying with us. last night I stayed up all night sweeping, vaccuuming, dusting and cleaning...I haven't had time to clean lately and I don't want her to get sick because of our dog. I also vaccuumed the dog...at the car wash...yes I do know how hillbilly that is. tonight I will do the upstairs and the bathrooms. but what I'm most excited about is that Todd is going to let me remodel the basement. I'm going to put in a new shower and knock out some of a wall and set up a new wall and put in a sink...lots of fun stuff that I've been wanting to do...I'm also going to redo the living room in the basement. I'm painting the walls and moving the furniture around...I want it to appear bigger. so I'm taking the entertainment center and burning it (yes burning it) then I'm going to paint the walls....maybe. the walls look like real wood with varnish but really they're paneling...dark paneling. I might do something different with it. then I'm moving the tv to a different wall and the furniture is moving around. the toys will be moved and the end tables are leaving (they're hideous). the best part is that I don't have to be to work until 1 all next week so I can get a really good start on all of this. we'll also be doing some home decor shopping in the near future. mostly I'm looking for picture frames so that I can start hanging pictures of my family throughout my house. I seriously have no pictures of my family in my house. I have lots of pictures just none being displayed except in the basement, I have a large collection of pictures I used to display at the old house but didn't have the right place for them in this house. I would like a picture wall. I also want pictures of my kids on a covered bridge for the dining room because that room is done in covered bridges. I want to look at my house more before I do anything!

Never Expected...

When I think back five years, I remember a lot of the expectations I had...some of which were to have ruggedly handsome, super smart boys...done. Things I knew I would say to them at this age included:
"say your prayers"
"eat your peas"
"tickle-tickle-tickle"

the things I never expected to say (but have) are:
"don't kiss the pizzeria door"
"don't pick your brothers nose"
"get your hand out of that little boys pants"
"don't lick the neighbors car"
"Tyler don't sit on Ethan's head when you're naked"

the questions I didn't expect to answer (but have) are
"how big will this thing get?"
"can I drink from the toilet"
"what's my package for?"

and finally the statements I never expected to hear:
"even if I do cheat EVERYONE wants to play with me"
"sometimes I squeeze my wiener. sometimes I squeeze the dogs wiener. he likes it"

I used to say that we are the best birth control out...if only people knew what they were getting into! LOL! I love it!

disclaimer: I did put an end to squeezing the dogs wiener and anything inappropriate with 'packages'

I said it wrong...

Jessa left me a comment, reminding me that foster/adopt children do come healthy or can be nurtured into being healthy. Thank you Jessa for pulling me out of my slump. I'm up for the challenge, which is why we are still on the road to foster/adopt, but I have to admit that I am terrified of RAD. Especially for Todd and the boys. I know that it can be overcome. I don't know how much my family can take. I am out of sick time for the year...it's only July, and Lane still has LOTS of appointments. How many first priorities can I have. Lane's diabetes is a first priority, so is his seizure disorder, the boys religious development is a first priority that often takes back seat, work/school is a first priority (I have to have insurance), I'm afraid of failing my children. I'm afraid that Lane's medical will be neglected because I also have lots of appointments to make with another medically fragile child and vice versa. These are all valid fears. I have the same fears with a bio-baby...I have lots of fears with bio's. I want to do what's best for my family and yet a lot of it boils down to my lack of patience. I have rarely had to wait for anything and often get my way. I'm spoiled and yes I do know it. I want a baby in my home. I have a need, and it's a selfish need. I am willing to work and even to wait, but my social worker said that we would probaly be placed within the first year and now we're learning that isn't true at all! She has even stopped answering my e-mails and phone calls. This makes me second guess myself.

Sarah, just the thought that you would consider being a surrogate for us amazes me! I couldn't ask for a better friend, and a chance of diabetes isn't a bad thing! Thank you!

Premeditated!

Ethan told his first premeditated lie yesterday morning!! I was shocked and (don't judge me) PROUD! Ethan NEVER thinks ahead EVER! He flies by the seat of his pants so when he showed the ability to think up a plan and execute the plan, I was really proud of him! He wanted to take a toy to school yesterday and it's against the rules to take toys to school because they get lost/stolen or fought over and the school has plenty of toys to play with there so he knew the rule and asked to leave the toy in my van, that's always our compromise. So when he got to the van he had his back pack but no toy.
Me: Ethan, where is your toy
Ethan: I must have left it in the house
Me: Are you sure? I thought I saw it with you when you left the house. Did you leave it in the grass?
Ethan: Maybe, I really don't know
Me: We'll have to find it when we get home.
Ethan: I will
Me: Ethan, what's that bulge in your book bag?
Ethan: what bulge?
Me: the one shaped like your toy...
Ethan: *begin mad/sad WAILING now*

I was so proud that I couldn't punish him on the spot! This took lots of guts and lots of planning for him! What a good boy I have!

Our Options Are Open!

Todd and I have been talking and we have some options to work through. I have research to do, and lots of prayer but none of it is being decided yet. We are hasty to make decisions but this one is harder than most. The back ground of these options arising is a like this: we were at the lake house with some friends when they said they would do surrogacy for us, I thought that it was sweet but unnecessary since we decided to adopt. Then Lane Michael had his seizure and was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. My SIL (who happens to be a nurse) said that the medication for epilepsy is hard on the same organs that diabetes is hard on (I asked the doctor and that's true). Then Dad went into his coma and as much as I dislike my siblings at times, they were the ones that were there with me. My friends are great and they would stop with a cake or to take me to lunch but it was my sisters and brother that shared the rotation with me. I realized then that (please understand that I'm being honest with myself at this point and not trying to speculate on anything or predict anything) Lane may not always be healthy, that he may never lead a fully normal life. Ethan may someday be stuck doing this alone. So then I thought "not if we adopt" but there's a catch, foster/adopt is rarely a healthy child with no attachment disorders. Ethan would have to deal with all of us, alone. This isn't a commitment I'm making for me, it's a commitment I'm making for my family too! So the way I see it, we have a few options before us. and here they are in no particular order:

1. continue adoption only and wait for a healthy child with no RAD

2. stop adoption, start looking at having a bio-child with lots of assistance from docs (my thyroid makes it hard for me to carry a healthy child to term - hypothyroid causes miscarriages, still-births, and mental retardation - - none of which are good options!)

3. continue adoption and look at having a bio-child with lots of assistance from docs and end up with 4 or 5 kids (chances are good that I would have a second set of twins)

4. stop adoption and look into surrogacy (with Laura).

5. continue adoption and look into surrogacy (with Laura)...again that could mean 4-5 children because surrogacy is often multiples!

At any rate, these are our options...All of which are good options but all have thier own quirks...I don't know what to think but I think I'll start by calling my doctor to see what he thinks of pregnancy with no thyroid.

What a Week...

It has been the week from hell and I know that this would be impossible if my God wasn't so strong. I had an old co-worker say to me that she didn't understand how I could be so strong. That's easy. I don't have to be strong, God takes care of it for me. He has truly carried my family thru this. I have a great support system and everyone would truly like to help in any way they can...there isn't much to help with because it's all still so new but I'm sure eventually I'll be ready to deal with the crap that goes along with losing Daddy. One of the hardest parts has been watching his belongings belong to someone else! My DH is not ok, my kids aren't ok and I most certainly am not ok. But life will start again...in fact it already has. I have Bible study tonight, we took the boys to the park and got ice cream last night, we played on the Church softball team on Sunday afternoon and on Wednesday night we'll go get Chinese food. These are our normal weekly activities. This is stuff we would do before...my mom and I are hoping to someday be fun again. We realized this weekend how not fun we have become. I don't have the tolerance for people and I don't want to be around them. My brother sees a therapist and thinks I should do the same. First of all I wouldn't talk to them and second I have very limited time off, and with Lane Michael's appointments (seizure disorder and diabetes) I can't chance not having enough time off!! Todd and I are still talking about adoption/surrogate/family options and we have several options on the table but we want to get through all of this before we do anything else! I'll keep you posted as we decide...but Todd and I are also very spontaneous people, so we'll see how this goes!