Moving Forward

Ethan's doctor called a pediatrician and the ped. said he is 98% sure that Ethan and fine! YIPPEE! He said that Ethan is probably going through a growth spurt, and that children carry more of that hormone. As for his potassium, he is only .4 over what he should be...God is good to my family! Prayers work and there is Power in numbers! Thanks for all the support I've received about this! While we were going thru all of this, I went into panic mode and told Todd that until we know what is going on with Ethan, I will not be traveling across the country to pick up Baby Girl so I suggest not actively persuing anything right now...we have a clean bill of health. We are persing! I sent a list of important (and some not so important) questions to her adoptive case worker. I want to know if I can talk to Foster Mom and I want to know what the May re-exam said...I also want to know how big she is! What size she wears and how much she weighs...I have lots of questions but I want something to hold onto that has nothing to do with her medical and mental potential...I want to ask a normal baby question. I know that her foster family probably wants what is best for her...I hope we're what's best for her and I hope that she's the missing puzzle peice to our family. Lane Michael loves puzzles so any puzzle analogy I can use, he'll appreciate! He's one smart cookie...he can do 150 peice puzzles with minimal help. As long as I look like I'm stumped by the very confusing Sc00by D00 Puzzle, he'll finish it on his own and may even get frustrated with my presence and hovering, resulting in my being banished from the art of puzzle-try! Tee Hee Hee...I love that he's still too lil to catch on to Mommy's silly tricks! LOL

Let Me Just Say...

BUILD YOUR HOUSE UPON THE ROCK!!!
I love that verse, God tells us to build our house upon the rock, people often say that it means our house will stand, I think it also means that the storms are still going to come. With or without God on our side, the storms will come, rock or sand just determines how we will weather said storm. Ethan had another blood test yesterday and his potassium is still elevated, higher than last time. We took out all the potassium based foods we could and changed our diets 100% and his levels are still up...they are double what they should be...the doctors office wants to wait 2-3 months and re-check them...I want a second opinion. Not that I don't trust my doctor, I just won't gamble with my five year olds health! They will also be checking his urine again for kidney failure...they ruled out anything auto-immune, which is ok but not ok, diabetes and endocrinology is what I know, it's what I do well. I'm worried about his kidneys...the internet said that it is unlikely that a person with normal kidney function would have elevated levels of potassium...quite frankly this sucks. Does this crap really happen to a family? Seriously? 19 months ago, I had two healthy kids and was going thru the most normal pregnancy ever...today I have a dead baby, a diabetic 5 year old and Ethan...I am officially scared...which always leads everyone to God...I'm there!

Because I'm a Planner...

I have scheduled our entire vacation...I have outfits planned, days planned, meals planned...the WHOLE nine yards!
Monday: parade in Buckland (family tradition)
Eli's birthday party
head to Sandusky
African Safari
dinner out
swim until bed time

Tuesday: breakfast at the hotel (free)
Cedar Point
pack picnic lunch and eat on the grounds
Cedar Point for the remainder of the day
dinner at Cedar Point
stay through closing!

Wednesday: free breakfast
Todd golfs and I take the boys swimming
boys and I will eat a packed lunch
nap for Mom and Boys, Todd still golfing
dinner together

Thursday: free breakfast
Cedar Point
picnic lunch on the grounds
back to Cedar Point
dinner at Cedar Point
back to Cedar Point for the rest of the day

Friday: free breakfast
swim until we check out
lunch in the truck
Putt - Putt before heading home

I think that about covers it all...it's probably the cheapest vacation I've ever planned and I'm so proud of me! We will go this weekend to get tickets from AAA, so that we get the great discount...a couple of friends of ours are meeting us for one day (we think), it should be AWESOME! I'm very excited! Wish us luck on keeping enough carbs in Lane Michael to keep him from crashing!

Here We Again...

We are looking to apply to adopt another young girl...we don't know much at this time, just that she was born 16 weeks early, and has many delays from this. She's across the country and is 26 months old...we're praying very hard over what to do, and hope to make the best decision for all. I of course hope that the best decision is for us to go next week and pick her up...but the objective side of me says to slow down. I don't want to.

Ready for Something...

Do you know the look you give when you go to a funeral and a faced with a widow, or the child of the deceased? You half smile, give doe eyes, cock your head to the side and say "How are you?" I don't like that. Please stop it. Yes, my son is dead, yes my dad is dying, I know my Grandma just got bad news and my son has a chronic disease. Stop it. If I can live this life you can stop feeling sorry for me. I have a good life, my relationship with God and DH is the strongest it's ever been, my kids are healthy for the most part, my DH and I both have good jobs and my dad feels good enough to eat this week. STOP ASKING IF I'M OK...my support system takes care of me and I have really good friends who I can talk to if I need someone (Becca, Laura, Sarah Rachel, Heather Nicki Melissa - - as you can see the list goes on and on). Besides, if you've ever lost a baby you know that life is never again ok, so seriously stop asking unless you want me to answer and sob...I do a damn good job of hiding a lot of how I feel but the next time you ask me how I am, I promise you that I will let you know that the box of baby clothes in my living room should be used clothes and that I shouldn't be here, I should be at home teaching a toddling baby to talk, and my hair, that I spent an hour on this morning should be cut into a bob because that's all I should have time for, the rose garden planted beside my house in memory of my dead child shouldn't be there, because my son shouldn't be dead. But seriously, I don't want to say this to you, because I'm fine. Just stop looking at me like I'm going to fall over at any given moment. I won't, I swear. Because like I said, there are lots of great things happening in my life, lots of great people...and most of the time I'm going good, I'm excited about the things happening in my future, and my kids are at a really fun age, I have so much to be thankful for!

The Things That I Can't Say

I'm not expressive, and I don't interpret my feelings well but this Mommy obviously does, so I stole this from her

> What Makes a Mother>
Jennifer Wasik
> In memory of Zachery Wasik
> 1/29/98-1/29/98
> I thought of you and closed my eyes
> And prayed to God today.
> I asked what makes a Mother
> And I know I heard him say.
> A Mother has a baby
> This we know is true.
> But God can you be a Mother
> When your baby's not with you?
> Yes, you can He replied
> With confidence in His voice
> I give many women babies
> When they leave is not their choice.
> Some I send for a lifetime
> And others for a day.
> And some I send to feel your womb
> But there's no need to stay
> I just don't understand this, God
> I want my baby here
> He took a breath and cleared His throat
> And then I saw a tear.
> I wish I could show you
> What your child is doing today.
> If you could see your child smile
> With other children and say
> "We go to earth to learn our lessons
> Of love and life and fear.
> My Mommy loved me oh so much
> I got to come straight here.
> I feel so lucky to have a Mom
> Who had so much love for me
> I learned my lesson very quickly
> My mommy set me free.
> I miss my Mommy oh so much
> But I visit her each day.
> When she goes to sleep
> On her pillow's where I lay.
> I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
> And whisper in her ear.
> Mommy don't be sad today
> I'm your baby and I'm here."
> So you see my dear sweet one
> Your children are ok
> Your babies are here in My home
> And this is where they'll stay.
> They'll wait for you with Me
> Until your lesson is through.
> And on the day that you come home
> They'll be at the gates for you.
> So now you see what makes a Mother
> It's the feeling in your heart.
> It's the love you had so much of
> Right from the very start.
> Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
> Until their time is done.
> They'll be up here with Me one day
> And you know you're the best one!

Braden Michael I love you and miss you every day. I wish you were here, I long for first steps and baby giggles, for sleepless nights filled with inconsolable baby not inconsolable mommy! You make me a better mommy!

Pulled Our Application...

We applied for our first baby last week and told our social worker that we were interested in this particular little girl. Our social worker then contacted the county of the lil girl and was getting info for us. After hearing more about lil girls issues, we decided that she is probably more than we can handle...ever. She will most likely need lifelong medical assistance. She has a family history of mental health issues and has a sibling with a rare genetic disorder, she was also drug exposed. All very sad and I would more than happily accept her if I thought I was the best person for the job, but sadly I just don't think I am. I asked our social worker if lil girl will have a hard time finding a home and she said that there will still be hundreds of applicants for her and many more qualified for this sort of disability...I'm not discouraged, but hopeful. I feel bad for Lil Girl, that her mommy gave her such a rough start and from the sounds of it, she won't be the last the mommy does this to. DH and I applied for two other babies this weekend, one in Florida and one in California. Both seem reasonably healthy and both are just over a year old. We don't expect to be called on them. But it's always worth a try.