Three Posts in One!

Lane's Sugar Mystery Solved...Just Call Me PI!!
Ok, so Lane started going into the 500s last week...maybe two weeks ago, I changed insulin twice, I upped his insulin, took him to the doctor and have used every trick I know to get his sugar down...we've taken more late night baths and late night walks these past two weeks than in the last two years combined! Every night was filled with some kind of attack on his five year old body. He's cried and fussed (his sugar gives him an extreme PMS feel) he's handled it like a champ and then two nights ago when I pulled the needle from him little body I noticed something was different, there was no insulin on the end of the needle, there's usually a little drop of moisture, but not this time, so I dialed up another unit, sprayed it into the air but nothing came...no insulin was getting thru...five needles later, I found a good one...Lane was only getting insulin about 80% of the time...I have two boxes of bad needles...we could have had a problem on our hands, if not for that little drop of moisture that now tells me so much!! Since then Lane's sugar has been dang near perfect!

What Self Reflection Gets You...or rather me.
I had a lot of "me" time last week. Being in Columbus without a cell phone charger meant that my time wasn't spent talking to everyone from home...usually I enjoy our phone calls but this week I needed "me" time so I was grateful to have it. I came to a lot of conclusions. And it all boils down to a few things that will be changing for me. I am a high maintenance person who has been hiding behind a low maintenance "mom" And mothering is all I've been doing. When Todd went to Iraq, I became a single parent, when he came home (because I am slightly OCD and maybe a little controlling) I remained a single parent...except then I started trying to change him into a man I thought he should be...and it wasn't him. It made him miserable which in turn made me miserable. So this week I've decided that I matter too. I insist on being spoiled...a little. I insist on going shopping, I'm tired of my wardrobe. That will change. I'm tired to being the only partner in my home. I am responsible for the happiness of two people, both of which are under 4 ft. So, I will become more high maintenance, I no longer want reasonable gifts, useful stuff for my kitchen, or the likes...instead I want shiny expensive things that come in small velvet boxes. I want shoes that are cute and that my veterans won't approve of, and I will stop carrying this tote, and go back to a purse...I don't need toys, crayons, movies, shot records and the occasional bottle of OJ in there...I have a car for that! Another change I will make is accepting my DH as he is. I have always struggled with this...we married fast and didn't know as much about each other as we could have...but it worked out and I wouldn't change it...so I have to ask myself why have I been trying to change him. So Friday night we sat up talking about all of this (we are "feelings" kinds of people so this is a huge deal for us, and who knows how it will end...it went well, we were able to say how we felt...I don't talk about feelings and usually think they get in the way of happiness but we needed this one). The next day something had changed for Todd, he was different and I don't know how...it was a good change though...which leads me into my next post

Todd Cleaned House!!!
On Sunday after church, we came home and I told Todd he should take the boys fishing, a good Daddy/Sons day...I could tidy up, he could enjoy a day with his boys...no deal. He'd rather help me and we could spend the day together...*hesitant eye roll* ok, if you insist but it would go faster if you would just let me do it...and then my husband said something I've waited five and a half years to hear "Boys, you clean your bedroom and the basement, I'll get the upstairs bathroom, our bedroom, dining room and living room, and Bud you get the kitchen" that's right folks, on cleaning day, I did laundry and the kitchen...ONLY!! In an hour and a half my house was spotless! and the we headed to town where our boys spent half their allowance on a new toy, and then my men took me to the mall to look at jewelry and purses. I shopped until I was done looking...not until all three of them are yelling at each other and being uncontrollable! No, they were great, they held purses up for me to see, they pointed out shoes they liked and no one complained, it was a great day! And we needed it!

Change is Hard...

What do you do when you realize you've lost a part of yourself, you've become a mother, and a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter and everything that is important and everything that you are revolves around them? I'm good at what I do...I always have been, no matter what I choose to do, I'm good at it...in high school I decided to lose weight, I ended up very slender, beautiful and had an eating disorder. In the Army, that's who I was, I was a Soldier, nothing more, Soldier defined me. When I became a mother, it took over me...as it should...no matter what stage of life I am in, that's who I am...But the thing is, I don't know who I am. I don't know if I'm someone who appreciates long walks on the beach, I'm not witty and I'm ok with that, I'm a pleaser, I do things to please others...when I have down time, I clean, mainly because I have a set of twin five year olds, and a truck driving, weekend warrior husband and I'm a tad OCD. That's not good enough for me. I want to know what would please me...when I think of weekends, it involves playing cards with friends (not a negotiable activity...it keeps my sanity), church (also not negotiable) and cleaning. I don't think "this weekend we'll go to St. Louis" that was my parents. They would just go. Any where. We'd get off the bus from school and Mom would say "pack for four days, I've called the principle, we'll pick up your homework on the way out of town" and four or five days later we'd come home. My grandparents were partiers. They'd leave for an afternoon and come home to a party started, food cooking and who knows how many people. I'm neither of those. My mom, she's an artist, known for her work. She paints beautifully and that is beginning to define her. My grandma collects books, all kinds, she has a library...no really, she does. My Dad was a "Jack of all trades and a master of ALL"...he never tried anything he didn't succeed at and if he spoke to you, you felt important. But again, none of this is me, I'm not good with my hands, I'm not overly intelligent, I'm not an artist, or any of those things. And in the past few years I've lost myself. I think I once knew, but I may have lost that person...I want to be happy again...but (this sounds stupid) I don't know if I have time. From the time I wake up, to the time I go to bed, I'm on the go, and none of it is stuff for me...or stuff I want to do. It's work. All of it. So, how do I find me? I think I may have left me in Europe. I love Europe. Someday soon, I'd like to find me again.

Lane Michael's New Independence...

This morning, I got up, took a shower and went to wake the boys to get them ready for school...just like every morning...except Lane wasn't in his bed...he wasn't in his bed either...in fact I couldn't find him at all...he wasn't in the basement, or the living room, he wasn't out front on his bike...he was gone. I searched the house and was getting ready to call the police when I noticed his book bag was gone too. I ran outside, looked down the street...and there he sat, at the bus stop, waiting for the bus. Phew, He had gotten himself dressed and to the bus stop with his book bag and diabetes bag...I was so scared and it was so funny that I couldn't bring myself to punish him. We'll talk about it tonight before I leave for Columbus.

Then at 9:35 the school called...Lane's sugar was 318 and he has ketones...lots of them. They're the darkest possible...for those who aren't familiar with ketones, it's when the body has too much sugar and has to dump some of it...so it comes out through the urine, if it gets too bad, he could end up in keto-acidosis (DKA) It's very dangerous and we can't take any risks...the school didn't know what to do with/for him, so they called me and sent him home. His sugar has been running high lately but this is out of hand. I called the doc but he's booked up all afternoon, but Ethan had an appointment at 3:30 so I cancelled Ethan's appointment and put Lane in there. So Lane has an appt to see if we can't figure out what's going on!

Yesterday morning, Todd left for a week...he's at drill and will be gone thru Friday. Last night, my dog got hit by a car and my five year olds witnessed the whole thing (he's alive). Today I get to work and have an e-mail waiting for me. It's from someone I loved. I knew him in the Army, we went thru AIT together, became very close, agreed we would someday marry. He went to Korea, I went to Germany. I was too young, and we broke up. One year later, he showed up in Germany, we wanted to pick up where we left off...I still wasn't ready. But I did love him. His mother hated me, I wasn't from Equador. I wasn't tiny and pretty. But now, I am doing well, loving my life and my husband. And he wrote to me. He said nothing. He didn't tell me anything. He's a father now. But only offered condolences for Braden and reminded me of the person I was when I was with him. A far cry from who I am now. I will disappoint him. He goes by his first name now. I knew him by his middle name. I thought I knew him well. Until our last night together. Our relationship ending night. I've missed him. Our friendship. We made great friends. My parents hated him. He is five years older than me, at 18 that's a lot of years. I wouldn't be who I am, if I had stayed with him. I didn't know he had me so shaken up, until I tried to write this post.

What's In A Name...

In adopting thru Foster Care, one of the down sides is that your child comes with a name. Starting at 6 months a child knows their name. But what if it's a bad name with your last name, the child is old enough to know their name, but too young to understand their name being changed...what do you do? Pray that the name grows on you? Allow the child to keep this part of their old identity, the one thing birth mom did for them, that will last forever? Or bunker down and change the name...gradually of course. Slowly over a year, starting out by using it as a nick name, and choosing a name that is close but not exact...something you like, something you can live with and a name that will go well with your last name...We aren't sure what to do, if we adopt this child, who is older than 6 mos and too young to understand a name change, but we dislike her given name...how do you decide? What are the big battles and what's not worth the hastle? What is traumatizing the baby for no good reason? I know how I would feel about changing the name of a friends child, but I'm just not sure how I feel about it. I'm confused and my DH wants to change the name...

We Applied for A...

A few months back, Lane Michael had a seizure. We were also losing my Dad during that time. We decided then that lil Ethan needed a healthy sibling. It was time to face facts, Lane wouldn't always be healthy, a seizure disorder and diabetes, the combination is scary to say the least. So, we decided then, we would take the fastest route to a healthy child. Someone my boys could go through life with as a sibling. We had previously decided we would take a handicapped child, and would, if we thought we could devote ourselves knowingly to a child who may otherwise be too much for a family. But Lane Michael is enough for me right now. So, we decided that if we are placed with a child, we will take that child and not get pregnant in early 2009, but if we are pregnant, we would not accept any placements at this time. Biological or not doesn't matter to us; this child doesn't need to have my eyes and Todd's nose to be my child. A little girl came up today for adoption one county over, we're applying to be her family. We'll call her A. She's healthy, and one year old. She is beautiful, with black curls that sit on top of her head, in big ringlets.

I am praying for her to have the life GOD intended for her, if she is to be my daughter, to please bring her into my family safely, and if not, lay GODs hands on her family, bless them and keep them. Surround them with mercy and love. But protect A, as she searches for her family, which is no small task, especially for a sweet baby!

True Love...

I know that I don't speak of my job often, but it really is one of my true loves in life. I love what I do, the people I work with, and even my office. I work as an advocate for veterans, fighting to get veterans the maximum benefits they have EARNED through the VA...it's a constant battle with someone, for someone. I believe in what I do. Some of our service members come home beaten, some broken and others don't come home at all...that's when I'm fighting with/for a widow. Whether my client is 22 with a little one at home or 84 with grown children, they're MY clients and I love them. Their drama entertains me, their stories shock me, but their lives affect me. I've been lied to, threatened, cussed at and hugged. People who need an ear come and sit in my office for hours on end. I work and they talk. Each of my clients is more than a number, they're a person with a family, with responsibilities and a need. When they leave my office, I know them. I meet their children, get colored pictures from the kids, invited to family BBQs and sometimes take care of their children as they come home as veterans. They've made me a part of the community, and I love it. I've been offered a few jobs since I took them, big jobs, presitious with good benefits and pay. But this is my true love. My job, my community, my veterans.