Bad Day but Feeling Good!

Last night was trick-or-treat and walking with my cousin gave me a chance to talk to her about a referral we got for a little boy in Asia, he is 13 months old with Downs. We got the referral yesterday afternoon. Todd was very resistant but we have one week to give our answer, then he will go to a different agency. We have pictures, medical info and the "getting started" paper work. We decided to pray for a few days before giving an answer, we aren't really talking about it, monetarily it would take me just days to be ready, emotionally I am ready, my heart has been softening to downs lately, it is no longer scary for me, it's something my family and I could do...but...there are oh so many reasons not to accept the referral...and just one reason to take it...but the one reason to take Azar into our family is a big one, a good one, an important one. Then today we found out that the little girl we applied to adopt won't be ours, the agency narrowed the 300 applications down to 5 and we weren't among them. As long as she goes to a good home then I'm ok with it. The thing is that I'm at peace with all of this. it's exhausting and sad but I'm ok with all of it. It's been a rough day but I feel good about it.

Trick or Treat

Tuesday night was the Halloween party at my Aunt Luann's house, followed by trick or treating around Cridersville and then last night was trick or treat in Wapakoneta, my kids went out for both and we now have a house full of candy...aren't I a lucky girl. Last night my cousin told me about the candy her daughter got while t-or-t ing in Cridersville, and after getting home for the evening Pacey found a candy bar (full size) in her bucket...like a good little six year old she asked her Mommy if she could eat the Sn*ickers bar...of course she could, eat one thing and then be done for the night. Afterwards Cathy picked up the wrapper to throw it away when something looked different about the wrapper...Sn*ickers....ENERGY BAR! Pacey had eaten an energy bar at 9:30 pm HOLY COW! She bounced off the furniture until 2 AM!! It was hysterical! She was like a bouncy ball that you can't get control of! Cathy of course wasn't nearly amused as I am but it was so funny! Moral of the story...check the Halloween candy!

Scarlet Letter

Growing up, I used to sit under the arm of the couch and listen to my parents talking at the kitchen table...I vividly remember feeling very sneaky and knowing I shouldn't be there. I remember hearing from a very young age that I had two specific uncles maybe three that were cheating on my aunts. I remember thinking that they should divorce, that my cousins would be okay, if only my uncle would come home or my aunt would change the locks. Later in life, I had another uncle cheat, this time the whole family knew it, we all wanted him to come home and make things okay, be the man we expected him to be. Just come home. This shaped my mind, my thoughts, my feelings on adultery. It wasn't something women did, it was those icky men who would do anything for a piece! So when a wave of women (in my family) started straying, I was shocked to say the least! I didn't understand and everything I knew about adulterers was shaken and challenged! Starting with the most basic facts, gender and motive. I didn't get it, why would a woman cheat, why would she stray...women aren't driven by the same motives as a man...or are we? Are we missing something...each of us. And no matter what we aren't satisfied....so what would satisfy us? I have never bought anything stood back from my prized possessions and said "now I'm happy and will never need anything again" I've never had someone come into my life and known they were all I needed to be happy for the rest of my life (sorry Todd, not even you), I've never eaten anything that would sustain me for the rest of me life. But God...he sustains me. I will never need to go anywhere else for salvation, for answers, guidance, love and forgiveness. If I have everything stripped from me, my home, my family, my food, and my dignity, it doesn't matter. This is all so temporary...I used to say, I can do anything for a week....then it turned into two weeks, I could do anything for a year. But no...I can do anything for a lifetime because it's so short in the scheme of things, it's a blink of an eye and my happiness waits for me. I'm not saying that in a bad relationship you should stay because you can do anything, I'm saying that don't do it just because you're bored and when you have, don't wear your scarlet letter, I've done wrong in EVERY relationship I've ever had, so I won't throw stones, and neither should anyone else. Don't let people determine who you are based on one act. If you should, go home and try to make your family whole again, if the relationship wasn't healthy and died, then stop, step back, fix what happened, sever the ties that need severed and then move on, but don't wear your scarlet letter for all to see. That's between you and God.

Today.

Today has been two years. Two years since life was turned upside down. Two years since my little boy grew up, all in one day. Two years since life changed forever.

I have a confession.

I don't let too many people know this about me, so I'm letting you in. My secret is...I love holidays. I love everything about them, I love the smell, the sound, the anticipation and of course the taste! Every year we have traditions that we keep up and some years we make new traditions. Traditions keep the kids coming home, and are the memories we carry. I don't remember what I got for Christmas and when, but I do remember the special things, the traditions and knowing what we'd be doing, anticipating those special days. When I was growing up, we spent every holiday (EVERY HOLIDAY) at my Gramma Sweet's house, no one went out of town and no one planned much with their husbands families on those special days. We spent all day Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas with my whole family. We'd eat and nap, play games, and talk, open gifts if there were any to open and just have a great day! My cousins and I are all very close, we're very active in each others lives, as active as we are with our siblings. It never mattered who we were with, it was like being with our own parents because they loved us all equally. Last year things changed up a little bit, my Dad was too sick to go to Thanksgiving for long and to Christmas at all...so just Todd, the boys and I went. As adults and family in our own respect, we're still forming our own traditions, still deciding what we will continue to do in the coming years, what will keep our kids coming home. We have basics, the important stuff, but it's the little stuff too. It's waking up to a certain smell that screams "it's Christmas" going to bed with a certain thought in mind. For me, it's spending the night at Gramma Sweets house on Christmas night with my cousin Tim (my birth year twin - we all have one - another post) and maybe my brother. Now having kids of my own, I realize how special that time must have been for my parents to have that night, just for them, and how much it may have helped my Gramma not be too lonely on Christmas night. But alas, we have to figure out what works for us, and because my siblings are so inconsistent we can never count on them to do the same things twice for a holiday so none of our tradition can revolve around them...so it revolves around the people who are a constant. And the things that I can count on. I love holidays for the constants, for the traditions and for the surprises.

Do I really want to start over?

Sometimes I doubt myself. Not my abilities or my capabilities, but my real desires. Do I really want to start at square one? Do I really want to go back to the beginning? I'm good at beginnings, but I struggle in the middle, I get "lazy" or complacent. So do I really want to start over? Do I really want one more person in my house to whine at me? Ask when supper will be? Hand money to every Friday night? And Monday morning? Do I want 3 more years of too little to do? Do I want to mess with the dynamics of four? Four is a good number, my friends stopped at four. Four is what the world is made of. A booth or table at a restaurant. A Disney land vacation package, for a family of four. Roller coasters were made for even numbers, not for five. The world was made for four. So why would we want to battle against all of that. Pay for one more, feed one more, clothe one more. Because my family isn't complete. Not because of my "idea" of a family but because of my idea of MY family. I went through phases in my life and for a short time in my early twenties I didn't want any children, but that's not me. For as long as I can remember I've been mesmerized by mega families. I've never wanted one for myself but I find them fascinating. I don't have the patience for more than 5 kids but am not opposed to as many as 5. Life, the economy, healthy and God will of course determine where we stop, but 3 is right for me. Todd goes back and forth, but for now, 3 is my number. Lane and Ethan will be nearly 7 when we have baby number 3...if we don't adopt. We will know in about a week if we'll be adopting, and if not, we will start TTC #3 in January.

I of course know that I already have 3 children, but we've done all for Braden that we can.

A Couple of Firsts...

When you go away and leave your child
in the "capable" hands of your husband,
this is what happens...they get their first
lesson in shooting. Nice Todd, thanks.



P.S. This is not a picture of them actually
shooting. This is a picture of them after
they had already shot and were taking
pictures to commemorate the occasion.
He doesn't take pictures of the birthday
parties, or the milestones, but he wouldn't
dare forget the picture of their first time
shooting!


First day of school, aren't they cute!