Obstacles

Before writing anything I should update my last post, the title Permanency may have been misleading. There has been no new news in the girls case. We are just no longer ABLE to have children of our own. and that is a good thing. onto my regular post. Todd and I feel lead to be right where we are. We feel like we are working God's plan for our life. We feel as though His hand is in our lives right now, sculpting us for....something. We don't know his plan, won't pretend to, but what we do know is that we feel right about what we're doing. Others who have foster, adopted or ever stepped out of the boat may know what I'm talking about. What I didn't expect is for our family to be so....opposed to what we're doing. Especially my family that has always been so open to new and more people. My family is resentful of us for fostering. It not only took me by surprise but it hurt. Like HURTS still...I thought this person would not only support us but even...enjoy this, embrace it...something. Everyone is wonderful to the girls, please don't get me wrong! They are treated like absolute princesses but from a few people, its just surface...sad but you can't change other people.

Permanency

I will not go into details but I'm rather excited that as of today (SQUEE) there will be no more pregnancies for me! YAY!! that is all.

How Visits Affect our Life

Visits is by far the best and worst part of foster care. Sometimes from this end it seems like the cons outweigh the pros. I know that they are necessary, I wouldn't have it any other way. I want the girls to remain bonded to their mother, and I want them to get to see her, again I wouldn't want to change that. But visits are for so many reasons exhausting. First of all, twice every week we have to drive 20 minutes to visit, entertain ourselves for 2 hours and then drive another 20 minutes home, once we are home, Little Miss is usually fine but Girlfriend, oh what a hard night she has. Last night for instance she spent her entire evening laying on my chest whining while we played on the computer, watched TV, folded laundry or whatever it was we were trying to do. While cooking supper she either spent her time sitting at my feet whining or crying or she sat on a stool beside me holding my shirt....and if we weren't doing that, we were holding hands. Then at bedtime she is terrified and I spend probably 15 minutes reassuring her that we'll be there in the morning, that she will sleep in her bed and I will sleep in mine. When she finally drifts off to sleep, I tip toe out of her room, usually waking her and starting the process over. As if she isn't sad and miserable enough, she is still hurting/confused the next day while she acts out, becomes aggressive and still borderline clingy. None of this is meant as a complaint, I just feel so bad for Girlfriend, she's never her usual spunky, active confident self...and all of this was avoidable.

Challenging Myself

I think this year I'll challenge myself. I want to take time and make some Christmas gifts for my children...pinterest has been kind enough to provide some ideas for the girls such as an owl pillow, princess crowns,and a run around bag (which I've been wanting for me for sometime so I'll be making mine at the same time), and for Ryan I want to make a sleeping bag, and maybe a sock money...but for the big boys I'm struggling a little more. They're harder in general because they're so into all things technology...I just don't know where to go from here for them. I need some ideas! I'm hoping Pinterest will help me out over the next few weeks!

Boys of Fall

My Boys of Fall. Oh be still my heart! LITTLE MONSTER

Sweet, kind, handsome, funny and look at the size of those hands! He has my Dad's hands...My Dad's hands were square, muscular, strong. And never once raised to us. And in comparison to the rest of Ethan his hands are massive, square and thick. In football they call Ethan "Little Monster" we're told it's because when the coach tells him to blow through the line, he blows through (he's first string on the line and second string running back)! They underestimate his power because he's so small. But then he surprises us all and takes on even the biggest boys! At church the other night, a big kid (probably middle school) stopped Ethan on our way out the door and said "you're the beast at football right?" Ethan's been beaming for days! TACO

Smart, funny, lives in his own show tune, this boy...my oh my! At football they call him Taco...we have no idea why. Lane plays first string on the line and is second string Center. And in recent practices he's been the Tackling Taco! Known to bring down the big boys during a scrimmage and very rarely sits the bench! It's such a big difference from last year when they only played a few plays during the last quarter. I'm sad to see football come to a close but so excited to get a good schedule going!

Adjustment Time

I went to this blog today:

http://chazleydotson.blogspot.com/

and found this list:

from the day they arrive to the day they leave, and our experience goes something like this:

1. Aliens - That's what they are when they first arrive, strange little people invading our home and snatching away all our free time. The most commonly heard sentence around our house is I can't take one more hour of this.

2. Armageddon - Chaos ensues as our schedules conflict, or rather, as they reveal that they've never had any kind of schedule and throw hour-long tantrums at the words "bath time" and "bed time." The phrase of this stage is I can't take one more day of this.

3. Acclimation - We're getting comfortable now, which means that the day progresses more smoothly, but it also means that they are testing their limits, trying to tell if we really mean that they will get a time-out for throwing toys and hitting their sisters. I can't take one more week of this.

4. Alignment - Schedules and personalities begin to smooth, mostly. For the first time, we're more stressed about upcoming court dates than the end of their daily nap. I can't go on like this forever.

5. Attachment - This is a lie because we've been getting attached to them and they to us from the very first hour. But now you can really see it. Now we're not just strangers, not just babysitters, but something that resembles of family, and the phrase that embodies this stage is the most difficult one: I can't stand the thought of letting you go.

When the girls first arrived, I didn’t think our family could take the stress they’ve brought to our life. Today I confided in my mom that I’m having panic attacks, and she says it’s the girls…it is. And it isn’t. It’s the girls plus football. It’s the girls plus a job change. It’s the girls plus….life. I think I’m right now inbetween Armageddon and Acclimation because I’m still adjusting to them and our new schedule but they’ve adjusted to our home and our schedule. I’m hoping by next week we’re in full blown Acclimation and by Halloween to being well on our way to Alignment!

All About the Kids

Of course I've never posted about my girls so I'll start with them!

Little Miss is so spunky, and cute, she's the smaller of the twins and is just beautiful! When she laughs, her whole face lights up and you can't help but laugh with her. However she only has 3 ranges of personality, laughing, screaming and sleeping LOL This girl can go a mile a minute and I'm so excited to get her into gymnastics. Last night she was laying on my kitchen floor on her belly, she brought her legs around and sat up into the splits and then finished bringing them around to have them straight in front of her. I think she'll really excel in tumbling! Little Miss at first really took to men, she was leery of women but with men she'd spot one in a crowd and that would be her buddy for the rest of the day. She would lay her head on their chest and just sigh, pat their back and snuggle in for the long run. But slowly she's coming around, I try hard to bond with her since she seems a little more resistent to me. After spending some time with her and her mom though I can see that Girlfriend eats up lots of Mom's attention so I try very hard to help her bond with me. Little Miss loves playing with babies, loves getting all dolled up and LOVES going outside to play! She hasn't discovered TV yet and we kind of hope that's a ways off. When she came to live with us, she had NO words, she couldn't say please, thank you, eat, more. nothing. In the 3 months we've had her she has started saying please, thank you, I want a cup, no, and so much more! I'm really proud of the progress she's made! She also goes to bed easier now! She used to lay in her bed and scream, so we started letting them watch a show and fall asleep in the living room, then move them to their bed, we now start getting them ready for bed about 8:30 and they are in their bed by 9, asleep within 20 minutes. I love this girl, she reminds me of Ethan when he was an itty bitty!

Girlfriend...oh how do I describe this girl in a way that you can get a real picture of who she is? hm. She is a bull in a china shop, a tank, a moose, loving, sweet, rambunctious and funny, oh this girl is funny! While walking the other day she decided it would be fun to walk like an ogre or....a hunchback. she bends down, closes one eye, limps and makes a noise like a yetti! It's hysterical! She's much more vocal and aggressive than her sister, loves the boys but is kind of rough with them! Graceful she is not! but she does keep us laughing! OH how I love her! This weekend my step brothers girlfriend asked Girlfriend if she'd like to come stay with them and she shook her head no. In an effort to make a joke I asked Girlfriend if she wanted to come home with me and SHE SAID YES! Haha not the answer I was expecting so about an hour later step brother's girlfriend asked again "Girlfriend, do you want to come to my house?" and Girlfriend shook her head no and pointed to me! I think she's starting to bond and even developing some stranger danger!

I guess I'll just continue backwards up the chain.

Ryan is such a little man! So much like my father! I can't believe how much he's like my dad...every day there is something that I think "man dad, really?" Ryan is funny, sarcastic, smart, and kind. We need to work on him standing up for himself though, he has such a tolerance for others, won't push back, won't hit back, won't stand up for himself. But we're working on it, I'm hoping before preschool he will better about it. Ryan has an amazing vocabulary for a *just* 3. He's protective of his siblings, and loves his dad! Ryan doesn't really play with toys, he rides bikes, fixes things around the house and spends much of his time snuggled in my bed watching his show (trying to escape the volume of the girls). Ryan is the perfect middle child because he's confident enough to tell us his needs and not allow himself to be pushed aside. He also adores his older brothers, wants to be just like them, wants to do everything they do! Thank goodness they adore him and allow him to follow them where ever they go!

Ethan oh this boy! He definitely keeps us on our toes! He's such a good boy! Strong and independent, wants to be a leader, a good friend, a good person, Wants to be just like his dad, talks often of growing up and having a family, this is new, just since the girls arrival has he recognized that he wants kids. His world right now revolves around football, he plays football as often as he can, throwing the ball around with his Lane Michael, or his dad. Ethan is one of those boys who sleeps with his football and wants to wear cleats to school! But there is NO denying how much he loves his little brother (and sisters). Last night while I was doing one the hair of Little Miss, he snuggled with Girlfriend to help her get calm for bed. And it's Ethan I find snuggled in with Ryan when Ryan wakes through the night. This boy never ceases to amaze me.

Which brings me to Lane Michael, who is...goofy, and easy going, kind, and has such a heart for Jesus. I just can't wait to see what God has in store for this boy! Lane Michael is so smart, I never worry about his school work but encourage him regularly, reminding him stay on top of his grades so that he can get into medical school. He has decided he wants to be either a chef or a doctor, and as an adult I'd like for him to have all the opportunities in the world because this boy can do ANYTHING he puts his mind to! I'm excited to watch him grow up! I'm sure he'll make me proud!

Have you ever felt inadequate at something? Yah parenting is my thing! I feel like any other parent could/would do such a better job! My kids have the potential to be great, I just hope I'm doing enough to help them get there!