Wednesday, December 5, 2007

surgery and adoption

So if you've ever wondered what surgery is like, stop wondering, just stop! It sucks...there is not one good thing about the day of and after surgery! And let's face it, I had an EASY surgery and recovery! Good news is there is NO cancer! YIPPEE!!! We can finally move on to the next phase of our lives together!

My husband and I decided that with everything else going on it wouldn't be a good idea to have another biological child. I first of all couldn't stand losing another baby, I couldn't go through that again...a person is only so strong, and with my thyroid now being gone, a pregnancy would be hard on me because my medication would have to be checked, I would have to go 45 minutes weekly to have hormone tests, missing SO much more work than I would be ok with, and there are so many children that need good homes why would we not open ours, we both have a need...I need a girl and she needs a's like magic! Really it is. But waiting is SO hard, we figure it takes the average couple one year to get pregnant, so if you add that one year to the 9 months of pregnancy you get 21 months until a baby is safely snuggled in your arms. For us, our social worker has 6 months to get us adoption ready and that leaves us 15 months to be placed before we are behind everyone else! So, August, 2009 I hope to have a baby snuggled in my arms before then...after that I will start to yearn for the baby... I do already, don't get me wrong...there will be 4 new babies in my family this spring and I would love to be one of those but I'm not and I truly believe God will deliver to us a baby that is meant to be in my family...I've never been one to believe in meant to be but I do believe life has brought me to the place I'm supposed to be in, raising my children in Ohio, married to Todd and beginning the process to adopt a baby girl that may otherwise never find a home...a forever family! And just so you know, we're going through Adopt's adopting through the state foster care system...we decided that we don't want to fight for a child that won't get skipped over, we will take the less traveled path because while we don't mind the fees and the wait to be picked by some pregnant woman who is looking for the best life possible for her baby, we want to take the baby who would otherwise bounce from foster home to foster home looking for a forever family...we aren't sure what kind of things we could accept in a child but we're working on that!

Lane and Ethan are starting to understand what adoption is and will mean for our family, but Ethan cries for his baby brother a lot...almost as much as I do, which surprises me because initially he didn't really want another baby...he said that he was my baby but now they both ask to go to the old house because in the old house we were going to have a baby! Poor little things, I wish there was something I could say to them so that they understand that Braden is happier where he is than we could have ever made him...losing Braden also put some much needed perspective on life...I had lost track of just how great God is! In the beginning of our marriage I used to pray that if we could just bring in a decent income that I would be happy...I wish we were broke again just to have my family healthy again and my baby back!! But I also think God waited until we could financially afford to have these things happen so that we could afford Lane's doctors and medications, my surgery, Braden's funeral, casket and stone. His stone sure is beautiful. But I have to start concentrating on all the wonderful things happening in my life.

My boys are getting so big and I love every minute I get with them...if I'm yelling, they're crying and I would like to pull my hair out, at least I have my boys...I love the chaos they bring to my home, I love playing Candy Land and watching Christmas movies, I love watching their little eyes sparkle when they talk about Christmas and Santa Claus. I love listening to them playing upstairs, but I especially love their differences and individual qualities.

Lane is my emotional train wreck, but he's also such a lover, and he's smart and thoughtful. He likes to use his head and work out problems. He loves to do puzzles and play thinking games, he's always been very sensitive, when people need sympathy, he'll listen and give a hug and kiss...he carries people in his heart. Going to my parents one day after school Lane told Ethan that God wants us to be good people so that someday we can go to Heaven and I said Well Lane actually God wants us to ask Jesus to come into our hearts, Lane responded with "so that Jesus can make us pure and perfect, right Mommy?" My four year old has a stronger faith with a better grasp of his religion than some adults...God wants us to come to the gates of the Kingdom of Heaven like a child because just like Lane they keep it simple and don't confuse themselves with adult like issues! I wish I was more like Lane in this way!

Ethan is my care free, fun loving, everyone's friend. Ethan loves everyone and if he's angry, he gets over it immediately! He loves people and sports...I love his giggle because it's still at four years old a babies giggle not a big boy laugh. He skates through life in a happy fog because that's where he's happiest! But he's smart and when he gets it he really gets it! It took him the longest time to potty train but when he finally decided to get it he did! He does things on his schedule, not because he's stubborn or lazy but because he's laid back and just loves life. That's what I'm trying to say, Ethan just loves life like no one I've ever known...We've often looked at Lane and Ethan together and you can see my brother in everything Lane does and I can see myself in Ethan...although I may have been less free spirited and care free...

Monday, November 19, 2007

my tumor

I went to the doctor a couple of months ago and was expecting to hear "congratulations, you're pregnant!" I was having EVERY pregnancy symptom under the sun...I was skipping periods, lactating, and I was ALWAYS nauseous! But I couldn't convince the pregnancy test to come up I went to the doctor and she looked over my stuff and said 'we'll do blood tests but let's also check for any thyroid she felt around on my thyroid for awhile and said oh have a I went to have an ultrasound done on it and then to have a scan done on it, after that they did a biopsy...which was inconclusive. So I went to the endocrinologist and he says that there are two large (size of a bouncy ball) tumors in my throat and then one the size of a dime and another 7 small nodules or tumors growing there screwing up everything my body is trying to do. So that my body is working against itself! So, don't diet or exercise (it will discourage you), don't get pregnant (wasn't planning to anyways) and go get my thyroid removed. So I attend a Bible study on Monday nights at my church, last Monday they did a healing prayer for me and it was the strangest thing because as they preayed my throat felt ENORMOUS like it was going to pop open at any minute...something I've never felt before...I almost wonder if I'm going to go down to the hospital and they'll send me home because the tumors are gone and my body is functioning again! STRANGE! So I will have my surgery on the 28th of November....I'm not nervous and I'm sure that at this point it won't set in for awhile but I'm SO ready to have it over and done that I wish it was this week!