Friday, May 23, 2008

Moving Forward

Ethan's doctor called a pediatrician and the ped. said he is 98% sure that Ethan and fine! YIPPEE! He said that Ethan is probably going through a growth spurt, and that children carry more of that hormone. As for his potassium, he is only .4 over what he should be...God is good to my family! Prayers work and there is Power in numbers! Thanks for all the support I've received about this! While we were going thru all of this, I went into panic mode and told Todd that until we know what is going on with Ethan, I will not be traveling across the country to pick up Baby Girl so I suggest not actively persuing anything right now...we have a clean bill of health. We are persing! I sent a list of important (and some not so important) questions to her adoptive case worker. I want to know if I can talk to Foster Mom and I want to know what the May re-exam said...I also want to know how big she is! What size she wears and how much she weighs...I have lots of questions but I want something to hold onto that has nothing to do with her medical and mental potential...I want to ask a normal baby question. I know that her foster family probably wants what is best for her...I hope we're what's best for her and I hope that she's the missing puzzle peice to our family. Lane Michael loves puzzles so any puzzle analogy I can use, he'll appreciate! He's one smart cookie...he can do 150 peice puzzles with minimal help. As long as I look like I'm stumped by the very confusing Sc00by D00 Puzzle, he'll finish it on his own and may even get frustrated with my presence and hovering, resulting in my being banished from the art of puzzle-try! Tee Hee Hee...I love that he's still too lil to catch on to Mommy's silly tricks! LOL

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Let Me Just Say...

I love that verse, God tells us to build our house upon the rock, people often say that it means our house will stand, I think it also means that the storms are still going to come. With or without God on our side, the storms will come, rock or sand just determines how we will weather said storm. Ethan had another blood test yesterday and his potassium is still elevated, higher than last time. We took out all the potassium based foods we could and changed our diets 100% and his levels are still up...they are double what they should be...the doctors office wants to wait 2-3 months and re-check them...I want a second opinion. Not that I don't trust my doctor, I just won't gamble with my five year olds health! They will also be checking his urine again for kidney failure...they ruled out anything auto-immune, which is ok but not ok, diabetes and endocrinology is what I know, it's what I do well. I'm worried about his kidneys...the internet said that it is unlikely that a person with normal kidney function would have elevated levels of potassium...quite frankly this sucks. Does this crap really happen to a family? Seriously? 19 months ago, I had two healthy kids and was going thru the most normal pregnancy I have a dead baby, a diabetic 5 year old and Ethan...I am officially scared...which always leads everyone to God...I'm there!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Because I'm a Planner...

I have scheduled our entire vacation...I have outfits planned, days planned, meals planned...the WHOLE nine yards!
Monday: parade in Buckland (family tradition)
Eli's birthday party
head to Sandusky
African Safari
dinner out
swim until bed time

Tuesday: breakfast at the hotel (free)
Cedar Point
pack picnic lunch and eat on the grounds
Cedar Point for the remainder of the day
dinner at Cedar Point
stay through closing!

Wednesday: free breakfast
Todd golfs and I take the boys swimming
boys and I will eat a packed lunch
nap for Mom and Boys, Todd still golfing
dinner together

Thursday: free breakfast
Cedar Point
picnic lunch on the grounds
back to Cedar Point
dinner at Cedar Point
back to Cedar Point for the rest of the day

Friday: free breakfast
swim until we check out
lunch in the truck
Putt - Putt before heading home

I think that about covers it's probably the cheapest vacation I've ever planned and I'm so proud of me! We will go this weekend to get tickets from AAA, so that we get the great discount...a couple of friends of ours are meeting us for one day (we think), it should be AWESOME! I'm very excited! Wish us luck on keeping enough carbs in Lane Michael to keep him from crashing!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Here We Again...

We are looking to apply to adopt another young girl...we don't know much at this time, just that she was born 16 weeks early, and has many delays from this. She's across the country and is 26 months old...we're praying very hard over what to do, and hope to make the best decision for all. I of course hope that the best decision is for us to go next week and pick her up...but the objective side of me says to slow down. I don't want to.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Ready for Something...

Do you know the look you give when you go to a funeral and a faced with a widow, or the child of the deceased? You half smile, give doe eyes, cock your head to the side and say "How are you?" I don't like that. Please stop it. Yes, my son is dead, yes my dad is dying, I know my Grandma just got bad news and my son has a chronic disease. Stop it. If I can live this life you can stop feeling sorry for me. I have a good life, my relationship with God and DH is the strongest it's ever been, my kids are healthy for the most part, my DH and I both have good jobs and my dad feels good enough to eat this week. STOP ASKING IF I'M support system takes care of me and I have really good friends who I can talk to if I need someone (Becca, Laura, Sarah Rachel, Heather Nicki Melissa - - as you can see the list goes on and on). Besides, if you've ever lost a baby you know that life is never again ok, so seriously stop asking unless you want me to answer and sob...I do a damn good job of hiding a lot of how I feel but the next time you ask me how I am, I promise you that I will let you know that the box of baby clothes in my living room should be used clothes and that I shouldn't be here, I should be at home teaching a toddling baby to talk, and my hair, that I spent an hour on this morning should be cut into a bob because that's all I should have time for, the rose garden planted beside my house in memory of my dead child shouldn't be there, because my son shouldn't be dead. But seriously, I don't want to say this to you, because I'm fine. Just stop looking at me like I'm going to fall over at any given moment. I won't, I swear. Because like I said, there are lots of great things happening in my life, lots of great people...and most of the time I'm going good, I'm excited about the things happening in my future, and my kids are at a really fun age, I have so much to be thankful for!

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Things That I Can't Say

I'm not expressive, and I don't interpret my feelings well but this Mommy obviously does, so I stole this from her

> What Makes a Mother>
Jennifer Wasik
> In memory of Zachery Wasik
> 1/29/98-1/29/98
> I thought of you and closed my eyes
> And prayed to God today.
> I asked what makes a Mother
> And I know I heard him say.
> A Mother has a baby
> This we know is true.
> But God can you be a Mother
> When your baby's not with you?
> Yes, you can He replied
> With confidence in His voice
> I give many women babies
> When they leave is not their choice.
> Some I send for a lifetime
> And others for a day.
> And some I send to feel your womb
> But there's no need to stay
> I just don't understand this, God
> I want my baby here
> He took a breath and cleared His throat
> And then I saw a tear.
> I wish I could show you
> What your child is doing today.
> If you could see your child smile
> With other children and say
> "We go to earth to learn our lessons
> Of love and life and fear.
> My Mommy loved me oh so much
> I got to come straight here.
> I feel so lucky to have a Mom
> Who had so much love for me
> I learned my lesson very quickly
> My mommy set me free.
> I miss my Mommy oh so much
> But I visit her each day.
> When she goes to sleep
> On her pillow's where I lay.
> I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
> And whisper in her ear.
> Mommy don't be sad today
> I'm your baby and I'm here."
> So you see my dear sweet one
> Your children are ok
> Your babies are here in My home
> And this is where they'll stay.
> They'll wait for you with Me
> Until your lesson is through.
> And on the day that you come home
> They'll be at the gates for you.
> So now you see what makes a Mother
> It's the feeling in your heart.
> It's the love you had so much of
> Right from the very start.
> Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
> Until their time is done.
> They'll be up here with Me one day
> And you know you're the best one!

Braden Michael I love you and miss you every day. I wish you were here, I long for first steps and baby giggles, for sleepless nights filled with inconsolable baby not inconsolable mommy! You make me a better mommy!

Pulled Our Application...

We applied for our first baby last week and told our social worker that we were interested in this particular little girl. Our social worker then contacted the county of the lil girl and was getting info for us. After hearing more about lil girls issues, we decided that she is probably more than we can handle...ever. She will most likely need lifelong medical assistance. She has a family history of mental health issues and has a sibling with a rare genetic disorder, she was also drug exposed. All very sad and I would more than happily accept her if I thought I was the best person for the job, but sadly I just don't think I am. I asked our social worker if lil girl will have a hard time finding a home and she said that there will still be hundreds of applicants for her and many more qualified for this sort of disability...I'm not discouraged, but hopeful. I feel bad for Lil Girl, that her mommy gave her such a rough start and from the sounds of it, she won't be the last the mommy does this to. DH and I applied for two other babies this weekend, one in Florida and one in California. Both seem reasonably healthy and both are just over a year old. We don't expect to be called on them. But it's always worth a try.

Monday, May 5, 2008


We all have one, and every now and then it creeps in to haunt us. The reality is never as bad as the story, it always sounds worse than it was. We're never proud of it and when it does come up at get togethers, parties and BBQs, we always try our best to change the subject before the worst of it gets out...but there's always that one person who knows too much about us. But then there's the history that no one seems to remember, the part of our history that says we over came, we stopped clubbing, we don't drink and by the way we pulled ourselves out of this mess! I have a history, it has it's good and it's family, the people who claim to know me best, don't know most of my history...I'd like to keep it that way. I was a good girl in high school, I kept myself pure and left parties that had underage drinking, I never smoked and never even knew people that might have drugs...I was a good girl, but only becuase I was biding my time. The summer before my senior year, I joined the Army and three months after my 18th birthday I left for South Carolina for training. After graduation I did the unthinkable...I went to Germany. I found one of the few places on earth where I could go and wouldn't know anyone...and equally as important, no one would know me. I got there and had total freedom...problem was, I didn't know what to do with it! I had never had this freedom, this lack of responsibility! So I babysat...a lot. I didn't charge much, they couldn't afford much...I babysat on my birthday, and on Christmas...I always had someone with me, and when I wasn't babysitting I was traveling...I went to Paris first...I was hooked...I wanted to go, to see it all! So the next weekend I went back to Paris, after that I went to Italy, Switzerland, Spain, Amsterdam...It was beautiful and intoxicating...I love it, and miss it. I will someday go back...someday. Never in a million years would I give up those memories for anything. I forfeited a college eduacation for the military, and had planned on making a career of it...and then there were twins. I recieved an invitation to West Point Military Academy two weeks after I found out I was pregnant...I didn't go. I would have been an excellent officer, fair but tough, caring but professional. My unit would have known me, I wouldn't be the person in the unit that remained a mystery. They would have known me. We would have traveled and my family would come second. My husband would have stayed home with the twins, changing diapers and cleaning house. He couldn't work, we'd move too much. But he loves me and he loved the military, he'd understand. I would have been the job. But as it turns out, I didn't go. I got out, went home, and have since then spent every day being a mom. I've watched first steps and laid in bed on Saturday mornings listening to my boys giggling down the hall...I've watched my dad scoop them up for a hug and change the batteries in their toys...I made the right choice. This weekend I watched as a little boy I know was scooped into his grandpa's arms for a hug, but his other grandchildren had to compete for his attention but it's not Grandpa's fault...he doesn't know them. They weren't around for the first years and still are only occasional visitors...bringing my boys to Ohio to grow up, to know Grandma and was the right decision to make. Consistency and doesn't get better than that!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Heard from the Social Worker

Yesterday I e-mailed back and forth with our social worker. She had some questions but had been diligently working on our case. She wanted me to clarify some things (our military service and address history - Todd's is quite extensive), and stuff like that...she asked a question about one of my sisters (the one I haven't seen or spoken to since January 7th was the day I left for Germany, I had a lay over in PA and she met me for a soda during that time. It's the last good memory I have of her. But I wonder why our social worker is curious about the one person in my family that I can't identify with. Everyone else, I've been close to at one time or another, but not Amy. Back to my social worker....I told her that Todd and I were nervous because this is the first time we've ever done this...she said that we'll probably do this hundreds of times before we get our match...but to not be discouraged, we have as good a chance with the baby as anyone. But she also said that hundreds of people are applying to adopt her.

Todd will be buying a laptop this weekend...I'm excited to have a computer in the house...I'm not excited to have to pay for an internet connection...I'm so cheap, it's not funny! But that does mean that while I'm in Cleveland next week, I'll be able to keep up with everyone...which has always been a challenge before! Yippee!

I got the final coat of pink paint on the babies room last night! That is one VERY pink room! WOW! Next my cousin and I will put black pin stripes in...I'm hoping the furniture and some lacy white curtains will tame the pink a little...we're also putting glitter butterfly and dragonfly stamps all over the room, they will be the same color as the paint except with glitter mixed into the paint...I'm very excited!

I hit a GREAT sale at JC Penney yesterday...I got all the boys summer clothes bought and I even got all thier jeans bought for next year! Yippee! So I will need new shirts for them but other than that we are good to go for school jeans and book bags for next year...they will be waiting until they are 6 to go to Kindergarten, we'll be holding them back a year but I think it's for the best...and after Todd saw their standardized test results he agreed that they aren't ready. It's not that they don't know this stuff...they just don't tell the teacher. They told her they don't know thier address and birthday...which is bull. They've known that stuff for at least 3 months! Grrr!! It all boils down to their maturity level, they aren't willing to cooperate. On a good note, I get to keep my little boys little for one more year! YEAH!