Friday, July 25, 2008

What if's that we are crazy enough to laugh about...

I was told (while I was in the Army) that after the boys were born, I had a really good chance of having a second set of twins...

So last night, Todd and I were talking about what we want for our family *with special consideration to God's plan* and what we decided is this. We will talk to my doctors, my endocrinologist and see if he thinks my body could produce a healthy baby. If it can we will go looking for an OB that will induce me at 38 weeks (we would only do this if the baby will be healthy coming that early). I have very good reasons for refusing to go past 38 weeks. When I find this doctor, I will talk to them about vitamens and folic acid, which can't be taken with my synthroid because it would be cancelled out by the vitamen. Then I will present this doctor with my list of questions and if (and only if) I'm satisfied after all of that, we will start trying in January February and March (stop in April). I want a baby for first choice is a November baby but I'll take anything healthy. If pregnancy is not a choice, we'll look into what our insurance pays for surrogates...if anything. It's a very expensive procedure (egg harvesting, fertilizing eggs with DH sperm and planting in surrogate mommy plus the expense of adopting the baby after birth from SM...I think I have the procedure right and if I don't, someone should break it down better for me). If that doesn't work we'll be happy with the children we have. During this process, we will continue on the adoption process. If we have a child placed in our family before we get pregnant, we won't have the child removed. and this is where the twins explanation from above fits in...what if we then get pregnant with twins. Five babies! LOL!!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Starting Fresh...

my cousin is allergic to my dog, and she's staying with us. last night I stayed up all night sweeping, vaccuuming, dusting and cleaning...I haven't had time to clean lately and I don't want her to get sick because of our dog. I also vaccuumed the the car wash...yes I do know how hillbilly that is. tonight I will do the upstairs and the bathrooms. but what I'm most excited about is that Todd is going to let me remodel the basement. I'm going to put in a new shower and knock out some of a wall and set up a new wall and put in a sink...lots of fun stuff that I've been wanting to do...I'm also going to redo the living room in the basement. I'm painting the walls and moving the furniture around...I want it to appear bigger. so I'm taking the entertainment center and burning it (yes burning it) then I'm going to paint the walls....maybe. the walls look like real wood with varnish but really they're paneling...dark paneling. I might do something different with it. then I'm moving the tv to a different wall and the furniture is moving around. the toys will be moved and the end tables are leaving (they're hideous). the best part is that I don't have to be to work until 1 all next week so I can get a really good start on all of this. we'll also be doing some home decor shopping in the near future. mostly I'm looking for picture frames so that I can start hanging pictures of my family throughout my house. I seriously have no pictures of my family in my house. I have lots of pictures just none being displayed except in the basement, I have a large collection of pictures I used to display at the old house but didn't have the right place for them in this house. I would like a picture wall. I also want pictures of my kids on a covered bridge for the dining room because that room is done in covered bridges. I want to look at my house more before I do anything!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Never Expected...

When I think back five years, I remember a lot of the expectations I had...some of which were to have ruggedly handsome, super smart boys...done. Things I knew I would say to them at this age included:
"say your prayers"
"eat your peas"

the things I never expected to say (but have) are:
"don't kiss the pizzeria door"
"don't pick your brothers nose"
"get your hand out of that little boys pants"
"don't lick the neighbors car"
"Tyler don't sit on Ethan's head when you're naked"

the questions I didn't expect to answer (but have) are
"how big will this thing get?"
"can I drink from the toilet"
"what's my package for?"

and finally the statements I never expected to hear:
"even if I do cheat EVERYONE wants to play with me"
"sometimes I squeeze my wiener. sometimes I squeeze the dogs wiener. he likes it"

I used to say that we are the best birth control out...if only people knew what they were getting into! LOL! I love it!

disclaimer: I did put an end to squeezing the dogs wiener and anything inappropriate with 'packages'

I said it wrong...

Jessa left me a comment, reminding me that foster/adopt children do come healthy or can be nurtured into being healthy. Thank you Jessa for pulling me out of my slump. I'm up for the challenge, which is why we are still on the road to foster/adopt, but I have to admit that I am terrified of RAD. Especially for Todd and the boys. I know that it can be overcome. I don't know how much my family can take. I am out of sick time for the's only July, and Lane still has LOTS of appointments. How many first priorities can I have. Lane's diabetes is a first priority, so is his seizure disorder, the boys religious development is a first priority that often takes back seat, work/school is a first priority (I have to have insurance), I'm afraid of failing my children. I'm afraid that Lane's medical will be neglected because I also have lots of appointments to make with another medically fragile child and vice versa. These are all valid fears. I have the same fears with a bio-baby...I have lots of fears with bio's. I want to do what's best for my family and yet a lot of it boils down to my lack of patience. I have rarely had to wait for anything and often get my way. I'm spoiled and yes I do know it. I want a baby in my home. I have a need, and it's a selfish need. I am willing to work and even to wait, but my social worker said that we would probaly be placed within the first year and now we're learning that isn't true at all! She has even stopped answering my e-mails and phone calls. This makes me second guess myself.

Sarah, just the thought that you would consider being a surrogate for us amazes me! I couldn't ask for a better friend, and a chance of diabetes isn't a bad thing! Thank you!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Ethan told his first premeditated lie yesterday morning!! I was shocked and (don't judge me) PROUD! Ethan NEVER thinks ahead EVER! He flies by the seat of his pants so when he showed the ability to think up a plan and execute the plan, I was really proud of him! He wanted to take a toy to school yesterday and it's against the rules to take toys to school because they get lost/stolen or fought over and the school has plenty of toys to play with there so he knew the rule and asked to leave the toy in my van, that's always our compromise. So when he got to the van he had his back pack but no toy.
Me: Ethan, where is your toy
Ethan: I must have left it in the house
Me: Are you sure? I thought I saw it with you when you left the house. Did you leave it in the grass?
Ethan: Maybe, I really don't know
Me: We'll have to find it when we get home.
Ethan: I will
Me: Ethan, what's that bulge in your book bag?
Ethan: what bulge?
Me: the one shaped like your toy...
Ethan: *begin mad/sad WAILING now*

I was so proud that I couldn't punish him on the spot! This took lots of guts and lots of planning for him! What a good boy I have!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Our Options Are Open!

Todd and I have been talking and we have some options to work through. I have research to do, and lots of prayer but none of it is being decided yet. We are hasty to make decisions but this one is harder than most. The back ground of these options arising is a like this: we were at the lake house with some friends when they said they would do surrogacy for us, I thought that it was sweet but unnecessary since we decided to adopt. Then Lane Michael had his seizure and was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. My SIL (who happens to be a nurse) said that the medication for epilepsy is hard on the same organs that diabetes is hard on (I asked the doctor and that's true). Then Dad went into his coma and as much as I dislike my siblings at times, they were the ones that were there with me. My friends are great and they would stop with a cake or to take me to lunch but it was my sisters and brother that shared the rotation with me. I realized then that (please understand that I'm being honest with myself at this point and not trying to speculate on anything or predict anything) Lane may not always be healthy, that he may never lead a fully normal life. Ethan may someday be stuck doing this alone. So then I thought "not if we adopt" but there's a catch, foster/adopt is rarely a healthy child with no attachment disorders. Ethan would have to deal with all of us, alone. This isn't a commitment I'm making for me, it's a commitment I'm making for my family too! So the way I see it, we have a few options before us. and here they are in no particular order:

1. continue adoption only and wait for a healthy child with no RAD

2. stop adoption, start looking at having a bio-child with lots of assistance from docs (my thyroid makes it hard for me to carry a healthy child to term - hypothyroid causes miscarriages, still-births, and mental retardation - - none of which are good options!)

3. continue adoption and look at having a bio-child with lots of assistance from docs and end up with 4 or 5 kids (chances are good that I would have a second set of twins)

4. stop adoption and look into surrogacy (with Laura).

5. continue adoption and look into surrogacy (with Laura)...again that could mean 4-5 children because surrogacy is often multiples!

At any rate, these are our options...All of which are good options but all have thier own quirks...I don't know what to think but I think I'll start by calling my doctor to see what he thinks of pregnancy with no thyroid.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

What a Week...

It has been the week from hell and I know that this would be impossible if my God wasn't so strong. I had an old co-worker say to me that she didn't understand how I could be so strong. That's easy. I don't have to be strong, God takes care of it for me. He has truly carried my family thru this. I have a great support system and everyone would truly like to help in any way they can...there isn't much to help with because it's all still so new but I'm sure eventually I'll be ready to deal with the crap that goes along with losing Daddy. One of the hardest parts has been watching his belongings belong to someone else! My DH is not ok, my kids aren't ok and I most certainly am not ok. But life will start fact it already has. I have Bible study tonight, we took the boys to the park and got ice cream last night, we played on the Church softball team on Sunday afternoon and on Wednesday night we'll go get Chinese food. These are our normal weekly activities. This is stuff we would do mom and I are hoping to someday be fun again. We realized this weekend how not fun we have become. I don't have the tolerance for people and I don't want to be around them. My brother sees a therapist and thinks I should do the same. First of all I wouldn't talk to them and second I have very limited time off, and with Lane Michael's appointments (seizure disorder and diabetes) I can't chance not having enough time off!! Todd and I are still talking about adoption/surrogate/family options and we have several options on the table but we want to get through all of this before we do anything else! I'll keep you posted as we decide...but Todd and I are also very spontaneous people, so we'll see how this goes!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Dad is Gone

Last night I left the hospital and we went to our friend's house to play cards. At about 2a.m. we got up to leave but sat back down for a talk on 2:40 my Mom called to tell me Dad had died. Todd and I left the boys with Laura and Aaron and went to the hospital. We gathered around Dad's bed side and all said good-bye and a prayer. and then we went home. It was horrible. We got home about 4:30 and I slept until about noon when we went to Mom and Dad's to talk about funeral and obituaries...what we want and what we don't. I could go my whole life without feeling like this. Ethan teared up and puckered out his little lip and asked if Granpa had left him a good-bye. We said that he did and then Ethan was fine. Lane hasn't asked any questions but I don't think he'll really get the difference until everyone goes home and Granpa still isn't here. We as a family are too young for this. I'm 26, my Mom is 55 my boys are 5...this sucks. I want life to go back to normal.

Friday, July 11, 2008

We Are At War

My siblings are at war and I think I'm the cause. I don't know what to do. Mom fought with Gina, Louie and Andrea. I don't know what all happened but I don't think I want to. My boys got yelled at tonight so I took them and left, while I was gone there was a blow up. My mom is afraid that we will lose a couple of them and...I am afraid it's that I'm sensitive. My sister that wasn't in the fight says it wasn't about me. I appreciate that someone doesn't think I'm at fault...I don't know what to do for my mom. She's very sad and very torn...she doesn't know what to do, and doesn't know if the family will ever be whole again...we are all missing my Dad and we aren't pulling together.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


It's late and I've been busy wrapping my head around the events of the day. There has been lots to come to terms with. Lane is not yet epileptic. The doctor said that after two unprovoked seizures, then they will diagnose. Lane has had one. His first seizure was brought on by a fever and if diabetes or a fever causes the seizure, then it doesn't count towards epilepsy....they said that he will go on meds if they are more frequent but won't medicate for a seizure every two years because it will do more damage than good. She said meds are hard on organs...hard on the same organs as diabetes. Double whammy. We will have an MRI done in about 2-3 weeks and an EKG done soon for the episodes of his heart "beeping" so's happened 3 times in the last few months and it's beating so fast that we can't get a good count without a machine or some kind of real training on how to do it right. Then in 6 mos we'll get another EEG done to see what it says about his brain activity. They said the "spikes" in brain activity that cause the seizure or make it more likely to come on, is in the back right side of his brain. This portion controls the vision and that's why he couldn't see us and could only see his hallucinations. She also said that it starts there and then spreads which is why it's partial, because there aren't spikes in the left and right...I'm not 100% on that info but she called it a partial complex seizure. She gave us information on the med he is on for when a seizure lasts more than two minutes and she told us what to do during a seizure. All good info. Which brings us to the part of the day when I realized my little boy isn't healthy and Ethan may need a healthy sibling, so Todd and I are going to have to talk about some options we want to utilize.

Dad is still hanging in there but the doctors expect it to be tonight or tomorrow at the latest. I don't speculate but his blood pressure was something like 86/37 tonight before his bath. That just seems awfully low. I love this man but he's suffering so bad that I feel torn. I feel bad because I feel selfish that I don't want to let him go but I feel like I need to so that he can let go on his own. I don't want this to be more miserable than it already is. My siblings are here...well most of them. Lou is in from NY and this is really hard for him and his wife. They have there three kids here and it's just a hard situation for them. I wish this was easier for them. Gina is here and she has three kids here most of the time. This is equally as hard on them. Heather lives three blocks away and has been in the family for about 4 years now...she's missed out on a lot of time with Dad...I feel really bad for what she's missed out on. And my Dad's sister Dina is here from PA trying to do what she can for all of us. Her daughter and granddaughter also came to help and it's been nice having them around. I wish I could make this easier for everyone but I can't even make it easier for me, let alone them! I just wish I knew what to do!

A Week in the LIfe...

Ok, So it's been forever since I've blogged...So this weekend my dad took a turn for the worse. He's now comatose -ish and they think he'll go home to God tonight or tomorrow...I've been off work trying to be here as much as possible. There's lots of drama surrounding my siblings and what they want from this experience, but we're holding strong. he's been taken off all meds, all nutrition and his body is now starting to shut down. We're starting to make decisions and hoping that everything goes smoothly. I don't have much more to say on it than that but I'll update as there's more to tell.

Lane's EEG results came back yesterday and they were abnormal. He has a seizure disorder...they call it a partial disorder and the way I understand it, he is only partially affected. only half of his body siezes. I will get more info today when I go to the Pediatric Neurologist...I'm nervous and excited to be in this fast but I'm ready to have answers and I'm ready to just know that my sweet and perfect little boy is going to be ok!

I'm doing well but I'm not able to work...I'm at the hospital too much and my boss went through this with his brother so he told me to come back when I they are being very supportive and wonderful to me! I'll update as I can but prayers would be appreciated!

Thursday, July 3, 2008


Ok, MarthaVMuffin did a MEME and I figured I'd throw one in...after all it is "all about Me week" at my house.

Ten years ago I was...going into my junior year in high school, so I was dating...let me think...JD...bad choice at the time but he has made something of himself...we were a toxic couple but he was a decent guy...he served in Iraq last year...Go Army!!

5 things on my to do list today are...1.) get my thyroid meds...I'll blow up like a balloon in no time if I don't...2.) go grocery shopping for this weekends short get away 3.) laundry...2 more loads and I should be good for about a week 4.) pack for the much anticipated short weekend get away 5.) contain the 6 stacks of paperwork and claims I need to work on at work

Snacks I enjoy...Peanut Butter M & M s (nothing better) Diet Pepsi Baby Carrots and Rice Krispy Treats...oh and my new favorite is Aaron's popcorn...he makes the BEST popcorn...I'm not even a popcorn fan usually!

If I were a Millionaire I would...Ok I have a big family but this is what I would do, I would pay off our debt, pay off all debts for my parents, Todd's parents, my grandma and his grandma. We would adopt 2 kids instead of one, set up college funds for all the kids, and invest. I wouldn't change our lifestyle because I don't want spoiled kids. I want my kids to have a good work ethic and to earn what they have and want. I need them to work jobs that offer benfits and to raise equally good children. And I would give to the church. Phew, I'm exhausted. That's a lot of check writing! LOL!!

Ok, now it's your turn...write one up and leave me a comment so I can come and read it!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Allowance and Chores

Last week Lane and Ethan started chores. They are to clean the basement (i.e. playroom) and their bedroom when/if asked, feed the dog and carry their own dishes to the sink. They also might be responsible for any variety of small tasks asked of them throughout the week. This is a huge help to me and is only costing me $4 a week ($2 per kid). They are LOVING it!! Lane will jump at the chance to earn his allowance...Ethan couldn't care less until he his told he won't be getting the money for that week. So far in the first two weeks of allowance I haven't had to:
feed the dog 6 times
carry little boy laundry to their bedroom from the basement 3 times
take out the trash
bring dinner dishes to the sink
put the soap in the dishwasher
clean the toys up in the basement and their bedroom 4 times
carry dirty laundry to the basement
or tell them twice to do anything...they do it immediately as long as I call it a chore. Life has been great!! Behavior has been good, they are excited about spending their two dollars and even more than that, they're excited about saving it! This is a huge step because my children need to learn to save money...all children do but their Dad is really bad at money decisions so I'm hoping to teach them to save and to use it wisely...I want them to have a good work ethic, I want them to continually work and know that they aren't above any job, as long as they are supporting their family. I am not above any job. This is a problem I have with people in my line of work. My clients feel they are above certain jobs...this is not so mind you. If I was in a situation where I could not pay my bills, I would work any job until I found myself something I'm more suited for. OK I'm off topic. But the point of this children are no longer free loading!! WOOHOO!! They are earning their keep at five...I have good kids and I pray that someday they will be good men and good daddies and good husbands.

In Case You Thought My Life Was Normal...

When I was growing up, my family was one of the VERY few that didn't consist of Mom Dad and 3.5 children. We had Mom, Dad, his three chilren, two ex-wives, Mom's ex-husband and the two of us. So the break down is like this:
Dad married Nancy, they had Gina and Amy. Gina grew up married a man who had two children and they had three. Amy grew up and because of her lifestyle choice, never had children, she's a professional student (has spent more time as a student than most retiring professors). Dad and Nancy divorced and Dad started seeing Barney (yes, I know how bad that name is - it's real, the family is crazy), they had Heather but because Barney was crazy, she ran off before Heather was born. Heather grew up and had Dameron and Dakota with Tony (he always has and always will love her), then she had Devon with JR (he's a big butt, and kept Devon so that he could spoil him rotten), then she had Sanoi with Pat, I don't know about you but I'm exhausted. After that Dad was engaged to Joy but the B!*@& took off with his Elvis scarf, never to be seen again. So there Dad sat with an engagement ring. So he gave it to my mom for Christmas as a freindship ring, when they got to Christmas with her family, my Aunt Landa had an engagement ring, so my Mom's ring turned into an engagement ring...that's how they got engaged. They had my brother Lou, who grew up, joined the Army, married Andrea, who had Dillon, Cody, and McKenzie and they then had Andrew, they don't live close so it's hard for us to have a good relationship, that and they make me nervous, so I stick my foot in my mouth. And then they had me (by mistake- Dad was laid off and they didn't have insurance). I grew up, joined the service and came home with twins. When my grandma found out I was pregnant she said "I wanted her to go and see the world and all of Europe and Germany, I just wanted her to do it with her clothes on" When I was born Gina was 18 yrs old, Amy was 16 yrs. old, Heather was 6 or 7 yrs old and Lou was 3 yrs. old. Wait it gets better. We all have birthdays within a month of each Dad is only good for one month out of the calendar year. This was a very expensive month for my parents for obvious reasons...and still is.

Our relationsips are strained to say the least. Gina and I used to get along and on the surface we do. She once said (and I think this sums up how she truly feels about us) "I love Laura, Louie and Lynne, I just wish they didn't exist" (Laura is my mom and Louie is my brother). This doesn't bother me at all. She can only feel about us the way she feels. When I needed her, she stepped up. I mean, really stepped up. She was there for me when I lost Braden, and knew what I was going through (she's lost 2 babies). She has a little guy who is just two years older than my boys and her oldest step-daughter is one year younger than I am and her oldest is 10 weeks older than my boys but we don't see them at all. Amy and I haven't really spoken since January 7, 2001. It was the day I left for Germany. That's it, she has no use for me. She came to Ohio once and I was there to see her, and she was watching a movie, I tried to talk to her and she asked if I could wait until the end of the movie. The next day they decided to have a siblings day and Lou, Gina and Amy spent the day together. I wasn't invited. Heather and I have an off and on relationship. We're here when she needs us, and I call her every once in awhile to see how they are. If we're together, we're a dangerous pair, love being together but have very little tolerance for the men in each others life and very little time to get together. Louie and I were the closest growing up and if his wife liked me, we would be closer now but I've said some stupid things and he's slightly selfish, so she doesn't really like me. I'm ok with that. Lou and I have recently started talking again and he's been great and selfless and this is huge progress for us. His little guy and Lane and Ethan are only five weeks apart and should have a lot of potential to be good friends. I don't know what will happen with our relationship in the coming months but we will always be ok. We may fight and we may ignore each other but we'll always be there for each other and I know that if I need him, he's there, ready to be my big brother!

I don't know how my siblings feel about each other or me but this is the break down of how I see our relationships. It's not ideal and it never will be. I will probably see very little of my sisters after my Dad passes but I love them for who they are and what they offer to the world.