Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Moral Compass

Preface this by saying I would like to be nice but I'm hurting for someone else so this may not sound nice or loving at all!

I think people are not only born with but also raised with a different moral compass. I think bad homes produce good people so I don't think we can always judge a person based on their family. In the same way we can't always expect a good home to produce good people. As parents, I think we carry a lot of guilt over this when sometimes the term "bad egg" rings true. But when someone you've known for years, someone who you know is capable of making good choices makes a catastrophic decision that could break up families and hurt children, it seems/feels like it's a choice to be a bad egg. Do you stand back and watch the destruction or do you step in, say something and wash your hands of the drama? I want to essentially erase people out of my life because of the drama and energy needed to maintain these relationships. I also know that I am high maintenance and offer little to a friendship (don't worry, I accept this as a temporary truth). But some behavior is unacceptable! I mean, what makes people act like they're the only people on earth who matter or who have feelings! Even the children don't matter!?!?! AH! Seriously, who does she think she is!?! I guess some people are just bad eggs and she chooses to be!

Monday, March 15, 2010


This is my favorite picture from the day! It was a wonderful day and the service was great! Very fitting of my family and esp from this pastor! We all had a great time and are so glad we did it...I've been waiting a very long time for this day and it couldn't have been better! Look how big my boys are! They are all 7 in this picture! 7 years, 7 years and 7 months! LOL! Very fitting for dedication day!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ryan at 6 months

What a big boy! Ryan weighed 22 pounds at his last appointment (actually nearly 23 pounds but he had a cloth diaper on so we're guessing he didn't weigh quite that much). Anyways I wanted to remember all the things he's doing at 6 months that he wasn't doing 6 months ago!

He sits up, and would like to crawl, he can get his butt in the air or lift his torso but not both at the same time! LOL! Whenever he wants to go somewhere he leans for it and kicks his feet as fast as he can! Too cute! He would love to be able to go with the big brothers! He also will reach for Todd and I if he wants us and will reach for people who reach for him...although he's becoming hesitant if he's with Todd or I or if he doesn't know the person!

Ryan can hold his own bottle if it isn't if it isn't too heavy and he's on an incline then he feeds himself. He also has figured out how to get his pacifier into his mouth but doesn't usually want it for more than chewing on the side of's SO funny to watch! Ryan has 2 teeth already (seems very early to me), loves his toes and says Mama (first word) and Dada (but not in context of course).

Ryan has lots of 'nervous tics' he pulls his ears and rubs his eyes if he's tired, scratches his head while he's eating and scratches his belly if it's exposed! (Scratching his belly is probably the funniest).

Ryan eats 2-3 meals a day, he eats oatmeal on the mornings that Todd is home with him, and eats any of the following for his other two meals: carrots, sweet potatoes, green beans, broccoli, squash, peas, peaches, applesauce, bananas, or mashed potatoes.

He's getting big so fast! But man its been fun!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

If I Could Do/Buy One Thing

I keep a list in my head of things I would do if I had the time and money. The first thing I would do is redecorate my home. The boys room is about where I want it...I would like a few pictures to hang on their walls but I can't think of anything I would do to their room right now (someday I would change the carpet but they're still too young and have a little brother coming in). Ryan's room is pink and when he moves out of the room I will make that my room (a guest room full of girl things). Our room has the potential to be beautiful but I haven't put anything on the walls, I would like to put something on the walls (pictures and such). I would like to take the wall paper out of the bathroom and paint it and redecorate it in similar colors to what it is now and maybe get a few decorations for it. I love my hall way wall paper (LOVE) and have it the way I like it. My kitchen is basically perfect for me right now. My dining room needs work, love my furniture but it needs painted and the carpet needs changed and new decorations. My living room needs work too...I'd like new furniture, carpet and paint which would lead to new decor. None of this can be accomplished any time soon but it's a dream! I think I'll start small and work my way up (or down actually since I will start with the bedrooms...the small projects). Lots to think about. Although I'm rethinking the new furniture in the living room. Our furniture was bought in Texas so we've had it for about 7 years and looking at furniture on line I can't find anything I like better than what I have. One thing I HATE about my house is my dog. He sheds CONSTANTLY and no amount of vacuuming will get it up! It's so frustrating! We plan on the vet shaving him this summer! So I think we will paint and when Ryan is bigger we will change the carpets. Todd wants a sectional so someday when we move we'll get a sectional, and until then we will make do with what we have! I wonder where I should start shopping for decorations for the boys Kohls? I can't wait to have their room organized!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A Cure

My cousin e-mailed me yesterday and it was such a thoughtful e-mail talking about a day when Lane Michael will be cured. A day when we won't have shots, finger pokes, blood work, highs and lows. I appreciate her thought and I understand the families that have clung to the hope of a cure. Families who only get through the day because they know someday they will be cured. I'm not one of those girls. I hate the thought of a cure. I don't hate the cure, but if I don't find out about the cure until the day it's given to him that'll suit me just fine. Three years ago my life changed. Flipped upside down, spit me out kind of change. I didn't see it. It wasn't that big of a deal at the time because I was still controlling snacks, meals, everything. Now I watch my nephews go to the kitchen and grab an apple or marsh mellows...and I realize what Lane Michael is losing out on. That kills me, so I love Cure Day but the thought of it rips me apart. As long as Diabetes is our life, I'm good, I can do this as long as this is just life but when I think of all the things Cure Day holds for him...I can't write this post. I thought I could but I can't. So here are my thoughts. Will the damage be so extensive by the time we get the cure will it even matter? Will he have feet? Will his heart still be good? His kidneys? The list goes on...but will diabetes be the problem by the time we have a cure? What will it cost? What if the test strip companies and insulin companies ban together and buy it and it's never made available? (I know big conspiracy theory but my fear nonetheless). What if there isn't enough testing done and it causes more damage than it helps? My list goes on but I can't do this. Sorry.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Still on My Heart

I'm not sentimental. I grew up in a family of hoarders, and so I don't keep anything. I fear this disease. When my house is cluttered I go crazy in my head, I have to remind myself that we have 3 boys who have stuff and just because I fear this doesn't mean that my family does. But it's my fear, and I cling to it. I'm also afraid that if I let my guard down that I will begin to collect stuff. I will fill my spare basement room and attic first. Then slowly I will fill the closets, then the spare bedroom and then my room. At any rate, I will have stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. This is not how I want to live my life. So I choose to not be sentimental about anything. I have kept some of my kids keepsakes...they each have one box of stuff from when they were babies. A special onsie, a special toy or book, and other random things that have a story behind them. But what does hold a certain sentimentality is the house I grew up in. It was built in 1979. My Mom laid the concrete slab, and worked side by side with my Grandpa to build this house. She was pregnant with my brother when she laid the concrete. It was the last house she built. My Grandpa only lived another 7 years after her house was built. He died when I was 2 years old, I have no memories of him but I think I would have liked him. He was funny and loving and drew people to him. I'm told he's the kind of guy you wanted to be liked by. So this house holds a lot of sentimental value for me. It's where I grew up, it's where my kids spent a lot of their first 3 years and it's close to the cemetery where Braden and my Dad are and where Mom Todd and I will be. So when it came up that Mom didn't want to live there forever Todd and I decided we'd like to live there, someday we'll buy it from her. The home was originally a 3 bedroom, 1 bath ranch with an attached garage. But anyone who knew my Dad knew that no wall was safe. My parents remodeled more than any one we know. So they took the garage and made bedrooms for my sisters. But my sisters were grown so when they moved out they took those bedrooms and made a family room and a play room, then a family room and a bedroom, and finally they put the kitchen and living room in there. So the old kitchen and dining room are now storage. Todd and I would like to put a master suite in there and let the boys share the old master bedroom (currently a play room). And that leaves 2 open bedrooms. I will fill those bedrooms with foster children. I don't know that I want to adopt but I do want to foster. I want to fall head over heels with children who are not my own. I feel God working in my heart, teaching me tolerance, teaching me patience and discipline. Teaching me to love the people who will fail to protect children I will love. Todd is on board. We want our children to be significantly older, old enough to understand, old enough to protect themselves and each other from the children who were victims. Old enough to say "no more" when it's becoming too much for them. My family doesn't all agree with this. In fact some have told me things like "well I don't know if I can love a child that isn't white" seriously? I'm offended by that statement, as if I need you to love this child, as if this child chose to be non-white, as if it matters what color they are. Someone else said "just have another bio child and be done with it" seriously? That's not how my heart works. Even if we had another bio baby it wouldn't stop this yearning I have to foster. To essentially sign up to have my heart broken. I have hurt as bad as a person can hurt in losing Braden. And recovered. Maybe God was preparing my heart for this, but at any rate, Fostering is still on my heart. We also decided that even though we will live in one county (a small farming community) we will foster for the neighboring county....there is a larger need in this bigger county, and we are almost guaranteed to have children of all races from this county. So my prayer is that God will work in the hearts of my family. Prepare them for this journey that we will embark on. I also pray that God will work in the hearts of my children preparing them for what is certainly a hard road to travel.

Man was that the most round about post ever!? It took me forever to say "we still plan to foster"