Thursday, December 31, 2009

I'm Expecting Fluffy Mail!

I was all set to order my cloth diapers yesterday. I had found the perfect diaper for us, all the reviews said that Smartipants work great for chubby thighed babies and Ryan does have the thighs that could feed Ethiopia! I even had $350 set aside to make this happen! I had checklists of pros and cons of different diapers, I refused to buy any diapers not made in the USA! I didn't want to spend the outrageous price that some seem to be and I wanted a one size fits all so I didn't have to replace them as Ryan gets bigger...since he's our last baby, he's the only baby we'll be cloth one size it is. I had it all in Smartipants...the price was right, they were cute, one size and they were pocket diapers, so I would stuff them and Todd would have little to NO work set before him. Then I read a blog (one that I read rather religiously - Keeping up with us) and she wasn't using pocket diapers, or all in ones and suddenly the prefolds didn't seem so scary. I read and re-read her post about the prefolds and covers. I came to the conclusion, Todd can do prefolds. And we saved $200. seriously. We still have our Kushies for when we leave the house or he has to stay with someone who is scared of cloth and if he outgrows those, then I can replace with a few pocket one size diapers from Smartipants! Ok, So what did I go with you ask? I got 24 red edge green mountain prefolds, I got 3 duo wraps size 2 ( in mango orange, white and storm cloud - -the orange is really for me, the storm cloud for Todd and the white in case we need it to not be seen under his clothes) and we got 2 Mommys Touch Wraps (one in cow print and one in camo - - cow print for my cousin and I and camo for Todd) and one 3 pack of snappis. The package should be here Monday. Are you as excited as I am? I think I'm obsessed...Todd KNOWS I'm obsessed and it's all I want to think about. It's exciting and new! I regret not cloth diapering the big boys...especially since some are saying that disposables may be the reason infertility among men spiked 20 years after the introduction of disposable diapers. makes you think. Did you know there are 48 different chemicals laying against your babies skin when you use a disposable diaper. I'm not judging, especially since I use disposables with Ryan and it's all I used with Lane and Ethan. It just makes me sad that I didn't do more research about this stuff with the big boys.

Monday, December 28, 2009

We Did It!!

We made a part time transition to cloth diapers! My cousin gave me her hand-me down Kushies and we LOVE them! Ryan was a little fussy yesterday but it wasn't because he was wearing cloth diapers! They are very little work and lots of fun! I was surprised how much I enjoyed NOT throwing away diapers that would sit in a land fill for CENTURIES! LOL! I also have saved 10 disposible diapers since starting (we've used each diaper twice and have 5). I think I might be a little crunchy or a little hippy at heart....which completely contradicts who I thought I was! LOL! Not the flowy, flowery, tie-dyed kind of hippy but I would like to be more gentle parenting, cloth diapering, baby-wearing, baby food making, free expressing, healthy eating, bicycle riding, compost piling, chicken raising, egg collecting, food canning, gardening kind. I think Todd would let me be those things too...if we had the time to garden a big garden, if we had the space to put the big garden, if we lived where we could have chickens. you know? OK so I completely changed subjects! Anyways, I think I'm going to extend my "stash" (I like that word) with a few prefolds/covers and smartipants diapers. And maybe a variety pack. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

What do you say?

A friend died.
She was a good friend in HS.
We graduated together.
We lost touch.
Life changed.
What do you say to her Mom at the funeral?
I asked how she was...then said nevermind.
Her husband seemed like he was in shock.
Her children weren't there.
Her brothers seemed like they were in shock.
I can only hope her Dad was in shock.
He joked with people.
I found it inappropriate, but will give the benefit of the doubt.
A few months back she was given 12-18 months to live.
Then last Saturday (12/12/09) she was given a week.
She died on Thursday.
Her children are 4 years old and 8 years old.
Little girls.
How does her husband explain something he probably doesn't understand.
This scares me.
It brings death to a very real point for me.
I don't want to make it all about me but I can't help but relate.
I can't help but think, we aren't so different, Nicki and I.
We were born just 2 1/2 months apart.
Our children are comparable ages.
I had nodules on my thyroid that was suspected tumors.
My nodules and her first bout with cancer happened within months of each other.
So why her?
Why not me?
So I have decided to write my boys a letter...each.
Maybe more than one.
One for graduation.
One for wedding day.
One for drivers license.
One for dating.
One for first baby.
One for hard times.
One for 18th b-day.
One for 21st b-day.
One for college graduation.
One for first job.
I know it sounds like a lot.
Not compared to what a living Mom would offer.
I have friends and family that would really step up for them.
There are things I want them to know.
Things I want them to hear from me.
Things I want them to know were important enough to me to write down.
Todd doesn't believe in this.
He thinks you're jinxing yourself.
I've said good-bye to 2 classmates in 3 weeks.
I'm scared.
I'm not afraid of dying...just afraid of not raising my children.
Wish me luck.
This will be one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Cloth Diapering.

I'm going to try it. My cousin has a 1 yo little girl and she cloth diapered for a period but is done. I texted her today to see where she got her cloth diapers and her response "bru and you can have them!" Yippee! That makes starting up less scary! I mean, I am flaky by nature...I like to start things but follow through isn't really my strong point. I have a desire to be crunchy, green and more gentle. Take a more gentle approach to parenting, a gentle effect on the environment and a gentle approach with Todd. Again, I'm good at ideas and intentions but the follow through. Not so much. Wish my luck! Starting Christmas, I'll be cloth diapering...I've already started baby wearing and LOVE IT!

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Could he look any more like his Grandpa Dennis? Holy Cow! Put a little pair of glasses and a miniature mustache on this boy and we have a little mini-Dennis! Well except (of course) for those Clementz cheeks - - I just want to squeeze them!

What a Daddy's boy! They sure are fond of each other!

My three month old baby! Look at those baby blues!

I love this far he's my favorite age he's ever been! Some strange things about him:
1. he gets way over stimulated quickly
2. he used to roll over but stopped
3. he likes to watch people but doesn't necessarily want to be held
4. he doesn't care to eat
5. he loves his daddy and is beginning to really understand who Lane and Ethan are
6. we call him Little Friend because otherwise we can't remember his name
7. he has brought our life back to normal
8. he loves his blanket as much as Lane still loves his
9. he loves his bottles....loves!
10. he studies people and when he just can't take it anymore he throws himself into them for a hug - I love his hugs

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

R.I.P. Matt

A friend of mine from school passed away this weekend.
We have his viewing tonight.
How does this happen?
How does a 28 yr old man die?
I'm very sad for his family.
I'm a little confused...having a hard time processing it
It doesn't feel real
We weren't "close"
But when there's on 70 in the class, you're friends
What do you do with this,
do you grieve?
Do you say "how sad"
I'm not good at grieving...
actually I'm really bad at it
especially to find the appropriate level of grief
we weren't good friends
but we were class mates
he's the first in our class to go
it's symbolic in a lot of ways
he was a good guy
always far as I remember
but he's also my age.
a man my age died.
he didn't leave behind a wife and children
for that I am thankful
on the other many want to leave their mark
leave an impression in the form of their genes living on
he never go to do that.
his brother's wife is expecting
will they feel obligated to name this child with significance to Matt
so often we do.
a tool, a grieving mechanism.
this is the 3rd personal funeral I've been to as an adult.
Braden, then my Dad, and now Matt.
A friend's Dad passed but that was different, I didn't know him.
I do attend the funerals of my clients but again, different
please pray for this family as they grieve for their loss.
Loss is always harder around the holidays,
RIP Matt
we're praying for you and your family!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Prayer Warriors.

My family needs prayer. Pray specifically for my brother. Things are happening and changing, some good, some horrible. It's a very personal matter that I don't feel revealing without his permission. But PLEASE, he is in need of prayers.

Friday, November 6, 2009

My Relationship with Christ

I'm judgemental. Imperfect. Sinner. I didn't know just how judgemental I was. But I am. I judge everyone. Good and Bad. I think that my way is the only way and if you aren't doing things my way then you must be wrong. Even more you must be a worse person than I...but I won't tell you, I'll tell my friends. I'll gossip about it. I'll think terrible things to myself...awful superior things. Things that hurt God. I want to change. I want to love not to judge. I think my hypocrisy, my judgements hurt not only Jesus but also the image of a Christian. I want to live as Christ lived. Christ doesn't shun the GLBT community. He didn't whisper about them but knew their struggles and loves them. He doesn't look down on people who have/had abortions, but knows their pain...the pain of losing a child. Jesus certainly doesn't hate those who have divorced, cheated, hated. Jesus doesn't hate. The Bible says the word love more than any other word. It doesn't command judgement. It commands prayer. It commands praise, not gossip. Am I truly living as Christ I showing the best representation of God through my actions my I love enough?

I don't feel that I'm a "religious" person and I'm not "spiritual" but I have a relationship with God, with Jesus and with the Holy Spirit. Each an individual relationship but all of them tied together as they are 3-in-1. I identify with each entity in very different ways. God is my Heavenly Father. My protector, head of the household, decision maker, master. I fear God....I fear seperation from God. My fear is more I fear or respect my earthly father. I love God, as my Father. Jesus I identify with as more human, but a perfect human...the words "what would Jesus do" are easier to answer because he had a chance to "do" here on earth. He experienced life as I experience life...temptation, pain, human feelings. Almost a brother...but so much more. He guides my actions. The Holy Spirit lives in me. A gardener, sculpting my heart, my soul to be the best I can.

Friday, October 23, 2009

A Day I Thought I'd Never See...

This morning was was a bad morning but it was perfect because it was mine. The boys wouldn't eat fast enough, the baby cried, my husband yelled but it was perfect. My children go to school, are able to learn and be functioning 6 year olds. I have a baby, and he cries, and he's spoiled, and always needs a diaper change and they're expensive and breast feeding is frustrating and confusing and my body doesn't always work the way I want it to. And Todd is my husband, and he's cranky and moody and I sometimes blame Iraq but he came home and he gets up with the baby at night. So my bad morning was perfect. So perfect that I was even able to step outside of the bad morning, the undone dishes, the vomit on the floor, the rain on the windows (2 months late) and realize what a perfect morning this was. While Todd was driving and we didn't have Baby Ryan, life was good, money in the bank and we plugged along but in the morning it was just me, I barely had time for a shower, let alone make-up. I would dream of the day when Todd would be home with us in the mornings, we would drink coffee and talk about what we'd do after work, I'd hold the baby, kiss this kids and be off to the I have that, and I wouldn't trade it for anything...even money in the bank!

Monday, October 19, 2009

A Submissive Wife...

I didn't know I had it in me until I started feeling the tug at my heart, to be submissive to my husband. Do I always "give it up" when he desires? No. Do I always make the decisions he would like for me to? No. But I notice that sometimes when I blatently ignore him when he has put his foot down it doesn't work out like I would like for it to. I have loaned things out when he has said not to and they never get returned...and it's usually something we need. My husband has our best interest at heart, and doesn't allow feeling to get involved. He can see things in a different light...I don't want to say a jaded light but he makes decisions based on facts and concrete evidence as opposed to feelings. I am better with financial decisions so he leaves most financial decisions to me but I discuss everything with him and involve him as much as needed, and if he has a question, he doesn't hesitate to ask. I take care of the stuff that he doesn't care about...what the kids wear, the shoes I get them. We've had several big decisions to make in our marriage. He's from Missouri, we had to decide if we wanted to live in Ohio or Missouri, I told him how I felt about it and he made an educated decision after a lot of discussions, and prayer. Decisions like that, decisions that will pop up later on he will have the final say because he is the head of my house appointed by God. Some decisions that he will make include when the boys can date, drive, when and where we'll move, when the boys can work a job, how much we'll help with their first car and college...I have very strong opinions about all of these things but ultimately the decision is his. I struggle with this daily but daily I make the decision to be submissive to my husband.

Six Things About Lane Michael

1. Lane Michael likes school, he's excited to go every morning and last year when I asked the principal how he was doing socially, I was told not to worry...he's a bit of a social butterfly...everyone knows him and really enjoys him!

2. He loves TV...loves it...obsessively! It's hard to make him turn it off, he loves it, he can't help it. He would rather watch TV than do anything! He would never turn it off if that was an option...he even fights me when I tell him to turn it's strange the love he has for TV

3. Lane loves to play board games...he'll take his turn and my turn both, he doesn't care if I'm actually playing as long as I'm sitting with him...and every once in awhile ask who's winning...he's pretty honest about it too! LOL

4. He's a morning person...up before any one else and very happy about it...he tiptoes past our door and heads straight for the watch cartoons of course!

5. Lane is really REALLY clumsy! He falls UP the stairs at least once a least! It's hysterical!

6. He's really sensitive...he doesn't want to be laughed at and it really hurts his feelings if he is but has no problem laughing at others. He's also easy to cry...Todd and I aren't so dealing with his sensitive side is hard for us...but I've noticed that if we don't brush him off but validate his feelings, he comes around much quicker!

That's my boy...6 things about his super sized personality!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Six Things about Ethan!

This seems to be the perfect time to record 6 things I want to remember about Ethan:

1. He's cute...not photogenic cute but handsome. He has dark hair, blue eyes, a crooked smile and will be an amazing man, at whatever he chooses to be amazing at.

2. Ethan has always had this amazing physical ability. He's strong and coordinated. He loves to skateboard and play ball but more than loving it, he has an amazing natural talent.

3. Ethan wants to be a scientist. He wants to study animals....he loves toads, snakes, frogs and turtles...yuck!

4. Ethan found every toad at Grandma Laura's house and loved them dearly...they all have names and spent the summer being toted around from one side of the yard to the other...RIP Butch

5. He's a good big brother...he loves Ryan, is helpful, kisses on him, holds him and can soothe him when no one else can! He's protective and loving...we saw a whole new wonderful side to Ethan when Ryan was born.

6. He jumped off the roof this summer. Srsly? Yeh for real! He was aiming for the trampoline and missed it, but his foot hit the metal frame...3 broken bones! But since he doesn't feel much pain, he seemed to be

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Baby wearing

I love baby wearing! Ryan loves it too! I can still do all my daily activities while he rides along, happy as can be! Ryan gets overstimulated very easily, wearing him helps to minimize how much others hold him and even talk to him, he still gets to be held but isn't constantly being stimulated by others wanting to hold and play with him. He's much younger than he looks and people tend to expect more from him...trying to coax a constant smile (he's a very smiley baby so this is easy) but they also expect babbling, and he's just now getting there. He's a happy baby but truly enjoys his down time...his "me" time! LOL! Anyway, baby wearing helps...a lot! People in stores, on streets and other random places, don't seem to "talk" to him as much, they respect my personal space enough to leave us alone...don't get me wrong, I LOVE people admiring Man Cub...but he doesn't appreciate it the way I do...and if he doesn't appreciate the attention, then we all pay the price! LOL! A couple of weeks ago, we were with my family (lots of loud women trying to all talk over each other passing around Alexis and Ryan - - the two newest babies in the family) and Ryan was fed, changed and still grumpy...I set him in his car seat in the next room, where he could see us but wasn't being held...he loved it! He had just had too much! I wish now that I had just scooped him up and kept him close! Lane Michael is easily over stimulated and when he gets to that point he needs down time...time to sit, relax and calm down...sort out his's very sad because people don't always get to see the "real" Lane Michael...if there are new people around, it's the worst...Ryan may just be a lot like Lane Michael in that way.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Ryan's Birth Story

August 17th we had dinner on the living room floor, watched a couple of movies and then drove Lane and Ethan out to my Mom's house...we had an early day the next day and didn't want to make it earlier by adding a trip out to Mom's, so off we went, we stayed late, talking on the porch about the day we had ahead of us. On Tuesday we woke up at about 3:30...not because we had to but because we couldn't sleep...our minds were racing with the possiblities...the fact that Baby AC wasn't out of the woods was not lost on the end, we gave our fears to God. We lay awake until 4 when we resolved to just get up...we took a shower, dressed, checked our bags to make sure we had everything and off we went. We stopped at the donut shop down town for treats for the nurses and some moon rocks (if you're ever in Wapak, stop at the Downtown Bakery for moon rocks...they're creamed filled donut holes...AKA a small peice of Heaven that explodes in your mouth when you bite into them!). We got to Lima about an hour early so we wandered through WalMart looking for a nursing bra...I didn't have one yet! Then we were off to the hospital. They got us into our room, started the meds and left us to our devices. We watched TV, played on the laptop, updated people and just hung out. At about 12 they checked me and I was 4 cm, at 3 they checked me again and I was 8. Todd called my Mom and she and the boys came to the hospital, they walked in the room at 4:15 we hugged and chatted for a few minutes, I had 2 contractions while they were there and at 4:30 they were shewed out so I could be checked...17 minutes later we had a baby Boy! Ryan Michael was born at 4:47 pm on August 18th 2009 weighing 9 pounds 5 ounces and was 20 1/2 inches long. He was perfect...not really crying but pink and just checkin' us out...cold and confused. Two hours later I was in the shower and we were a family of Five! We called him everything but Ryan! We called him AC, Daron, Aaron, and Braden but never Ryan...slowly we've gotten better but we still hesitate before calling him by name....he looks like a Ryan though and that helps! He was hungry and was great at latching on but I didnt' make enough milk to feed him so he's being supplemented with formula and I'm now taking meds to help my milk's frustrating and angering! You want to feed your baby but your body won't cooperate and you're hungry because he's taking your calories but you don't want to gain weight AFTER the baby! It's just agrivating but SO worth it!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Look Who Dropped in on Lane and Ethan

Introducing our newest addition...Ryan Michael! This sweet boy was born August 18th weighing in at a whopping 9 pounds 5 ounces! A good boy with really REALLY bad sleeping habits! LOL! That's ok though I only get a few months to get up through the night with him...even if he gets up for the first year, I still only get a year! And since Todd says this is our last baby, that means this is my last chance to get up through the night! Ryan is 7 weeks old now and everyone is still kind of in a honeymoon...including Lane and Ethan...neither of them has been jealous much but both have been just wonderful helpers and are constantly doting all over him! It's the cutest thing! I'll write Ryan's birth stories over the next few days and will post it as soon as possible! Nothing like living at Weeny Ranch!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

How is it possible....

I am truly amazed at God's timing. Losing half of our income right before a new baby may seem stressful but actually it hasn't been stressful or hard at all. It's been nice having Todd home with the boys...and we all are enjoying our summer more! We're saving money on daycare and it has pushed Todd to get ready for doing so he's also preparing the boys to go back to school. We looked at our finances and decided that this wasn't financially a bad thing...we looked at our upcoming expenses and found that we have a few big upcoming expenses...the first is of course school supplise...we bought them before Todd stopped working...we weren't really planning ahead, we were just excited....they have new book bags, lunch boxes, glue sticks, crayons, markers, tissues, baby wipes, ziplock name it, they have it. Another big expense was going to be new school clothes....Ethan needs 4 pairs of jeans, socks, 6 long-sleeved white/gray/black t-shirts to go under his short sleeved shirts that we bought at the start of school but still fit perfectly and a new hoodie, he'll also need a new winter coat, Lane will need 3 pairs of jean, socks, 6 long-sleeved t-shirts, new shoes and a new hoodie....but nothing is pressing and Todd got 2 large checks from his retirement fund for way more than they will need for school clothes. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays...Lane wants to be a vampire this year, Ethan just can't decide and we already have Baby ACs costume...Lane's vampire can easily be made from the batman cape we have...a little white face make up, blood streaming from his mouth, and fake teeth....we're soon as Ethan decides what he wants to be, I can get to work on his costume! And the BIG expense coming up? Christmas! We're lucky to have a medical expense account...I have paid lots of medical bills recently out of pocket that I haven't redeemed the money for, so I'll redeem that money and have nearly $500 for Christmas...which is more than we usually spend...we cut back on Christmas this year and that's helped tremendously! I've started a list to give me an idea of how much we'll need/want to spend this year. And in January we will hopefully be paying off one of our 2 credit cards, which will free up money for the boys birthday...each year we take the boys out to eat and give them $50 to spend on whatever they want...or they can save it for a time when there is something they REALLY want...we encourage saving but don't push it on them at this age...we talk about saving and living with what we have but I don't want to push it down their know? Anyways, I think sitting down and discussing upcoming expenses and where they'll come from has really helped to reduce the stress of losing Todd's income. Not to mention having a stock pile of diapers is a huge relief!

Why doesn't he sleep?

Last night at bed time everything went as normal, the boys went potty, stripped out of the days clothes, washed up, brushed teeth, said prayers, good night kisses and laid down quietly...and I went to bed in the next room...not another sound was heard (I have good bed goers). So why at 2:30 am was Ethan still awake....and why at 4:30 was he back up...and why won't he sleep past 9:00? Which means that at most he got 6 hours of sleep! WHY ISN'T HE AS EXHAUSTED AS THE REST OF US!?!? I think this is a symptom of ADHD but he's a happy little guy...he has to be sleep deprived though! Lane Michael can and will sleep through anything and when he's tired he goes to bed....he asks to sleep, and loves it....he's our early riser but enjoys an afternoon nap when possible! He'll be the one up with long as he doesn't try to lift the baby! LOL! The good thing is we'll all be home for the first few weeks to get into a good schedule...the boys are going back to school on September 9th and it seems so soon but hopefully we'll get lots of good time in together before then and hopefully we can find a way to get this boy to sleep!

Monday, August 10, 2009

What Will I Feel?

How will it feel to hold a new baby that isn't Braden? A baby that will scream at me because I'm the Mom...a baby who will sleep in Braden's room, a baby who will fill Braden's spot at the dinner table...people have often said that "this isn't you replacing Braden" yes it is. I'm not having a 4th baby because I want 4 children, I wouldn't be pregnant right now if I had a 2 1/2 yr old sitting in my living room wrestling with his brothers...I'd have a complete family. I wouldn't have to search my dreams for that red-headed, freckle faced boy. I wouldn't have to hope that this is a girl so that I don't compare, and see Braden in the babies every move. I wouldn't have to tell Todd that we can't name Baby AC Holden because I already call AC Braden from time to time, especially when we can't get him/her to move for hours on end. But again, will I be sad that my "middle child" isn't here to kiss the baby...will I stop searching for Braden in the Vacation Bible School Program? Will there still be a space in family photos where Braden should be wiggling (at this age)....and when my friends little guys go to school, will I look for Braden to get off the bus after school with his big brothers? Or will life feel normal at last? Not that I'll ever forget him but sometimes I wish we weren't that family....I wish we didn't have 3 pregnancies to compare...not that I would wish Braden away but the stigma...the hurt....but mostly the sympathy and awkward silences that go along with people realizing we have a sweet baby boy waiting for us in Heaven. We don't feel awkward about talking about Braden or how much we miss him, we don't feel awkward when the boys have questions or when our friends wring their hands and ask questions. We feel awkward when other people feel awkward. Ethan has already started being a little jealous of the baby....but he'll always have a place...where is Braden's place after this? Yesterday we were unpacking bottles that came from my cousins house, and Todd mentioned bringing down the other bottles to sterilize them this week....and my first thought "don't open them before the baby comes home in case we have to return them"....followed by a rush of guilt and even more embarrassment. I haven't thought much about this babies survival....I think out of self-preservation but sometimes it sneaks up on me and for just a split second let my guard down. In those few seconds I always feel a sense of removal from the baby, from Braden and from reality. The reality of the situation is that we will probably bring a baby home this time...a happy baby, who we've waited a very long time for...a baby we want very badly...but that's only a probably.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I take so much for granted...

How easily I have forgotten how fast things can go bad. This week is Bible School and while I'm not involved, my Mom is the director. And as goes tradition, she has all the kids she can pack into the house there for Bible School. She has my niece, my nephew, my boys, 3 cousin's and my nieces friend (who doesn't speak great English since she's Russian) my adult cousin and aunt. Last night at 10:30 we tucked our boys in and headed for home. We had just dozed off when I heard Todd's phone telling him he had a message. I asked him who was messaging him at this hour, he looked at his phone and it was my Mom...Lane's sugar must be off....he called the house and Cathy answered she said "Lane's having a seizure" I can guarantee you've never seen this fat girl move like I did last night! I was dressed and in the car WAY before Todd and really mad that he wasn't waiting on me! We could see the ambulance lights from 2 roads over....there's nothing an ambulance can do for him, they could transport him to the hospital where they'd run some tests, and tell us he had a seizure....which we'd tell them! Lane continued to seize for a total of 40 minutes (his longest yet) but the situation was handled beautifully! His sugar was checked, the kids were contained and cared for but everyone had so much adrenaline at that point that no one slept well after that! It was interesting how he came out of it, he was eating an ice cream bar (to bring his sugar back up) and after he took the last bite, he swallowed, looked at me, smiled and said "Hi Mom" Oh there is nothing like that first "Hi Mom" when you're baby leaves you and finally comes back! The worst part was that he knew we were there but he couldn't see us, he could hear us but couldn't make out what we were the beginning of the seizure he was screaming "I want my Mom, I want my Dad, but I'll miss my Grandma" then when he could hear us he'd yell "help me help me" and he couldn't understand that there's nothing we could do to help him! That's the worst part! To be standing with him and not be able to reach him. Sorry if I rambled through this, I'm very tired! I can't stress enough how important a family support system has saved our lives! Cathy was with us for the first seizure and immediately knew "the scream" that Lane screams during a seizure, my Mom was able to delegate jobs to people and my aunt and uncle came over to help, my other aunt sat with the kids and watched cartoons, and when it was all over, all the cousins gave Lane Michael a big squeeze....even though he wasn't sure why everyone was looking at him! The human body amazes me! I may add to this later as more details from the evening come back to me...

Friday, July 17, 2009

Winds of Change....

Life is changing, hard and fast changes. Changes that make life....changes that make me trust God. And I do. I trust that God has a plan. That there is a reason Todd was let go from this job. Financially we are fine, making it easier to trust God. We were planning for Todd to quit his job in September when he starts back to school. Every time there has been a job loss, it has worked out for the best. The most recent being Lane Michael's diabetes diagnosis when Todd had to spend 7 days in the PICU with him learning to care for him outside of the hospital. I had just started a new job and was pregnant (5 months pregnant) so I trust that there is a reason for us to start this new chapter early. Whether it was to avoid an accident or because life will change again, I trust God's plan for my life. He started looking for a different job immediately, I asked him not to. I want him to stay home with our kids for the summer, enjoy them, enjoy his time with them, bond with Baby AC and then when he goes back to school, go back energized and ready, relaxed and fresh. And then after a few months of being back, if he can handle a job, then find a job...if he can handle it. Don't jeopardize school performance for a few hundred dollars if we are ok financially.

And today we went to the doctor....she asked when I would be 39 weeks, I told her that August 18th was 39 for me....she said that August 18th sounds like a good day to have a baby, so on Tuesday August 18th at 6:30 am we will check into the hospital and I will leave there not pregnant. The doctor examined me today to see if she thinks Baby AC will "fit" through my bone structure....if you know me, you'll agree that the idea of me NOT being big enough for something is laughable...I have a large bone structure, but she said that while she thinks it's worth a shot, she also thinks it'll be a bit of a struggle, longer harder pushing, some tearing and we still may end up in a c-section....the baby is just that big! Which means I won't get to go natural like I wanted...I don't want to chance not having the epidural and then having to be knocked out if they do a c-section...I'm not willing to miss this just so I can have the experience that I want. That would be selfish and closed minded of me. But the 9 month questions "what is Baby AC?" will be answered in 32 days!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

YIKES....oh WOW!

I went for my bio-physical profile today. They were making sure the blood flow through the placenta and umbilical cord was healthy and that Baby AC is developing and growing like he/she should be! So I plopped down in the chair and she readjusted me to a good position, we warned her that we didn't want to know the gender and she began. She started out by measuring the babies head circumference and then she stopped and re-measured....she hesitated and asked "how far along are you?" I'm 34 weeks today....she looked back at the screen and said "Yikes...oh WOW" Todd asked what that meant and she said that we have an over achiever! She then continued to measure the baby and said several more "yikes" and "wow"s Then she showed us on the screen how big they're calculating the baby to 34 weeks the baby is 7 lbs 5 oz! HOLY COW! So she played a little longer, looking at this and that, the baby has both kidneys and a good size stomach (obviously) and was practice breathing! Then she was looking to get a good picture of the babies face but since the baby is face down and STUBBORN as all get out, he/she wouldn't roll over and actually crossed his/her arms over the face (Todd sleeps like that) so no face shots! but we did see LOTS of LONG hair! LOL! Too fun! So everything looks great but maybe a little plus sized! This should be my biggest baby by far! Blood flow through the umbilical cord and placenta was VERY healthy and looked great! Everything is functioning as planned! And we of course have only one to thank for that! So Thank God for BIG miracles! We only have about a month left, lots can happen in that month....I have faith that everything that will happen will be good things!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Nesting is frustrating! It doesn't matter right now how clean the freaking house is because I have 2 six year old boys and a 30 year old man living there and it's going to be a mess again, even if I vacuum and dust and do laundry and it doesn't matter if they mess it up I have this need to clean it again anyways! Or I really want to clean it and can't because there are too many chemicals in too small of a space to clean the bathtub and toilet! I've been using the Lysol wipes on it but really I want to use the 4 in 1 cleaner and get down there and do it right, or what I'd really like to do is clean my kitchen floor with a tooth brush but I think Todd will put his foot down and say no! But he doesn't understand! I can only Lysol wipe the counters SO many times before I start to take the finish off! (do counter tops have a finish) I asked Todd to change clothes last night so I could WASH WHAT HE'S WEARING! I'm insane! I have my hospital bag packed (underpants, comfy coming home outfit for me and baby, toiletries for me and Todd, diapers for the ride home, camera, a nursing gown, and boob pads...I still need to buy a couple of nursing bras but I think I should have everything....yes? think ladies think! what am I missing?) So I've cleaned everything I can and now I'm going nuts! I even took to swimming the last two nights (yes we got a pool) just to keep myself occupied! My mind is racing! I've washed the boys sheets and am waiting to change ours for when our new bed gets put up...which should be any day now (if Todd would just do it)! I also have this desire to shop ALL THE TIME! And for the most random stupid stuff! Like a melon ball er! Yesterday I got all emotional because Todd didn't get home first! Seriously? What is that about? I'm not that girl! I'm not this girl! This clean freak, emotional ball of energy that can't sit still but has pajamas on before supper! UGH! Save me from myself! Please tell me this is normal!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Well It WAS the Most Blissfully Boring Pregnancy!

Yesterday morning (11:30 a.m.) I started noticing mild contractions...very mild, just some tightening here and the time I got home from work last night (4:30 pm) I was noticing they were coming stronger and with a rhythm so we timed them....7 minutes apart and pretty strong....they didn't hurt, I just couldn't catch my breath. So off to Bible study I right? Not so much....had 2 on the way out there (15 min drive) and 2 bad ones while I was there, I left early, came home and called the doctor...and she of course said to go to Labor and Delivery while drinking the largest glass of water I could find (LOL She cracks me up). By the time we got there the nurse laid her hand on my stomach (during a contraction) and told me to get comfortable! After 2 bags of fluid, 3 doses of meds and 4 hours, we were finally released with an RX for something to stop the contractions to take "as needed"....I felt silly going in but after hearing that they had contacted the Special Care Nursery because they thought we might have a baby....and who wouldn't with contractions 2 minutes apart...well needless to say I didn't feel nearly as silly! Makes for a good night! The goal is to keep baby baking until 37 weeks! You cross your fingers and I'll cross my legs! LOL!

PS contractions are back this morning! LOL! Here we go again!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Random Thoughts I have Today...

Sometimes my life just seems rather that fact that this weekend I realized I have the best family and friends in the world. My kids are such good boys, they listen when told to do something, they eat when it's time and they definitely go to bed like champs! I'm so lucky to have such good kids! They're brave and adventurous, and loving! Todd is a good man, he treats me like a princess even when I don't deserve it! (OH who am I kidding, I always deserve it LOL) This weekend, after a long day of getting up early, going to church and having my family over, Todd had to get to bed (needed up at 4) but he still took a walk with us, no complaints of even hesitation. Afterwards he put our boys to bed...he's a good dad.

In 8 weeks there will be a baby living in our house. We've been waiting for a baby since we started trying for that was a long time ago....March, 2006. More than 3 years. It doesn't seem that long ago that we decided to "try again" Life has changed so much since then. We lived on a 5 acre farm with 5 horses in a house that was old and cold, but it was home. It was comfortable and quite frankly I knew walking the front door the first time that I was home...of course the house became too much for us and we had to soon move on, the boys still ask to "go home" and we still have to explain to them that we don't own the house anymore....they're slowly adjusting to this house though.

Ethan has been sleeping through the night since he got his tubes and people who aren't with him consistently say they can finally understand him when he talks (my sister, brother and aunt are all with him enough to know that they can hear a before and after difference and can talk to him finally) but people who are with him all the time (our best couple friends - - the M family and the H family) say they can't understand him as well (which is where we kind of are but it's slowly getting better). Ethan has also started sound spelling and counting...he's doing beautifully with it. It was a sudden and wonderful change in him! His personality is also starting to change a little bit with the confidence that he's gaining....he's becoming sarcastic and funny! Wanting less and less to be the "little" boy in the group and more of a leader! I love a lot of the changes we're seeing!

Lane has become my brother in so many ways! All last week and today he has been awake, dressed and downstairs before I'm out of bed! He also has his sugar checked, his shoes on, his shots ready and the dog fed before Ethan and I get downstairs! I think he's gearing up for the "big brother role" He's so helpful but sometimes his mouth gets him into trouble....and not so much what he says as how he says it! I'm sure it's a phase....that's a lie, I'm not sure it's a phase but maybe more of his personality....more attitude than some kids have and a snarkier tone....he might get that from me and Todd though! oops! LOL!

Oh how I love these boys! And if you made it this far (sorry so long) I have a really fun story to share as a's like story time! LOL! Ok so while we were in San Diego my Mom had the boys and one day she walks in and Ethan is in Lane's face giving him the "what for" and shaking his finger at him....the whole nine yards when my mom comes to the door and catches him. She looked at him, raised one eye brow and as if on cue Ethan smiles this bright smile and says (without hesitation) "welcome to the Happy Hotel, Your room will be ready in 30 minutes" and SLAMMED the door in her face! LOL!!! That cracks me up! LOL! I'm not sure where he picks this stuff up!! LOL!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Too Tired to Post!!

So much has been happening! We went to San Diego last week and had a great time! Todd got to go and do and see everything and I got some good training! We've had a terrible time readjusting! But while I'm exhausted, Todd is cranky! He's been hard to live with and I think it has to do with hating his job. The boys have been angels for us lately! Lane has gotten himself up 2 mornings this week and was dressed before I was even out of bed! This morning he got up, got dressed, put his shoes on, tested his sugar, got his shot ready, fed the dog and got the lunches out of the frig, all before I was even downstairs! He's such a morning person! I used to be, but I'm too tired lately and I have pregnancy insomnia now! I lay in bed for hours and never sleep! My mom asked me today (while I was having my SECOND melt down of the day) what she could do to help! I wish there was something she could do! I'm just too tired to function! It's just this week though so hopefully it will pass! I want to rest as much as possible this weekend (which seems forever from now) and see if I can't get back to myself! But on a good note, my house is clean, my children are well behaved, laundry is pretty much caught up on and other than exhaustion, I feel great! We're pretty much ready for the baby, just have to wash some clothes and we'll be completely ready! My boss is off until July 6th so a day off is out of the question but as long as I can get through this week then I should be ok!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Blissfully Boring!

I would do a pregnancy update but there isn't one....there's nothing happening! We have a good strong heartbeat, the baby is on my left side, kicking at regular intervals, I go for my glucose test today over my lunch, but had my thyroid checked earlier in the week...I'll get tested for Group B strep because I have an elevated PH level but other than that everything is good...I'm not gaining an excessive amount of weight and after I get back from San Diego (we leave for a week on Sunday) I'll start my weekly visits for NSTs! Very exciting! That means that after San Diego, I'm on the 9 week countdown! CRAZY how fast it's all going!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Weird Dream...

Last night I had a drowning dream...but I wasn't the one drowning. In the dream, Lane Michael wasn't with us, Ethan was, he was sitting on the dock....Ethan hates water! But we had a 7 year old foster son and a 18 month old foster daughter....they were in the water, and I was holding the girl in my arms and holding the boys hand....he went further and further away from me until he let go of my hand. At that point, I handed the baby girl off to Todd and went further out to get to the boy but instead of taking the baby girl to shore and come back to help, Todd held her while trying to help...we were forming a chain and the waves were getting too high....we eventually got to him and got back to shore...but in the real world, Todd is a much better and stronger swimmer than I am and I would have taken baby girl to shore while Todd got to little boy, I'm not sure how I feel about my dream...but I can't seem to get foster care out of my heart...and usually I'm not that person....Ethan was 6 years old in the dream so other than being pregnant it was as if it was this summer....I can still see their faces....usually when I dream, I don't see faces. Thoughts on the dreams meaning? Pick it apart....what do you think?

Monday, June 1, 2009

A Servant's Heart...

Todd washed my feet. It was intimate and intense. The act is selfless and humbling. The experience is incredible. We were reminded that we are devoted to God (first) and to each other (second), and everything else will fall into place. We cried and laughed, I don't remember what was said and none of that is important. It wasn't about the words spoken but about the gesture, the devotion, the act. It was amazing. I walked away feeling more connected to my husband than I maybe ever have. It was a great reminder (right before our roles begin to change again) that we are first and foremost married to each other!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Dancing in the Kitchen...

I don't often think if my actual childhood....I had the best childhood a kid could ask for! My parents were wonderful and fun! We traveled (sometimes too much) and my Mom was home with cookies in hand when I got off the bus! My cousins around the corner and friends in town, I wasn't popular but I was last night when I was watching "You've Got M@il" there was a scene, she's closing her store and looks back and sees the memory of her and her mom dancing and twirling, laughing and just dancing...I suddenly could hear myself saying "Dip me Mommy Dip me" and remembered the MANY MANY times my Mom and I danced in the kitchen, late at night before bed. She would turn on music and we would dance for what seemed like hours...I'm sure it was more like 20 min but it was wonderful. One of the very few times I didn't come second.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

never enough!

I carry our insurance and trust me, we need the insurance! I love my job, the pay is decent and the hours are good! I couldn't ask for a better position to be in! but on the other hand, Todd's job leaves much to be desired! He has often talked about going back to school, visiting many different avenues and discussing different careers....the bottom line, he'll never be happy where he is. The 2 career options he visits most often are teacher and law enforcement. I'm not sure which he would prefer, I'm not sure I even have a preference! We've also visited the idea of him being a stay at home dad...I'm not sure he has the self motivation to do that, I'm afraid he'd spend his days playing in his garage and watching TV instead of doing homework, making dinner, cleaning the house and doing laundry (which he claims he doesn't know how to do). I'm afraid my life would get no easier and maybe even harder because we would then have the money here we are at a cross roads of sorts....Todd paid into his GI Bill, so he's eligible to go back to school for whatever he chooses as long as he goes to an accredited school. We just aren't sure which route he wants to enforcement is what he knows, what he loves but I don't think he hips and knees will take that for much longer, and teaching is great but there are certain types kids that he struggles to bond with...Oh what a difficult decision!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Best Mothers Day EVER!!

Yesterday was the best ever, I woke up at 8:30 and laid in bed listening to all the men down stairs talking and giggling....I love that sound. The sound of Todd and his boys interacting, before Mom (Miss No Fun) interrupts and insists everyone get ready for church, I don't get to listen often, usually someone spots me before I can get close enough to listen to them. After about 10 minutes Todd came up to see me, laid next to me for a few minutes and said that whenever I was ready to get up, they'd be downstairs, so I dressed and followed him down. There were my boys, ready with hugs and handmade cards and gifts. Then came my big gift. Todd put a movie in, it was the boys telling me why they love me and just talking to me in general. It was sweet and funny, Lane Michael got so frustrated trying to say what he wanted and kept forgetting what he wanted to say to me....Ethan of course was a natural in front of the camera and did really well, it was the best gift I've ever received!

Church was wonderful and the sermon was spoken directly to Todd and I, it was a sermon on the needs of men vs. women which we'd actually been struggling with this weekend! I couldn't believe how wonderfully it fit into my life at this moment! God does this for us sometimes...and sometimes it's someone else's turn, this Sunday it was ours! It was amazing what we learned and how different the rest of our day was because of this even carried over into today!

After church we went to my Mom's house, I gave her the Mother's Day basket that my aunt had ordered and filled for her and I think she may have teared up a bit! She said that since this was Dad's thing she thought her day's of Mother's Day baskets were over....far from it!

We went to lunch at my Grandma Sweet's house and spent much of the afternoon there, the boys played football and everyone took rides on Todd's 4-wheeler (even Bailey got to go) was a fun afternoon.

At home I pulled the weeds in my rose bed....Braden's Memorial Rose Garden and realized that half (HALF!!!) of my rose bushes had died this winter! They will get replaced soon! And for supper we walked to Max's Dairy for hot dogs and ice cream. It was truly the best Mother's Day I've ever had! Which is good because I leave for Cleveland tomorrow afternoon for training and won't come home until Friday (yuck)!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I have nothing nice to say today....

I've been trying to post how I feel about socialist gov't programs but since I can't say anything nice (and trust me I can't....I tried but it was nasty) I won't say anything at all! So there.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Pregnancy post...

This is going to be boring so dip out now or forever hold your peace! LOL! I want to document how I'm feeling during this pregnancy.....I feel like I'm cheating, this pregnancy has been so easy and smooth that I don't' even feel pregnant. I'm not stressed, I'm not tired (at least not all the time) I haven't really been sick or had back aches or's just boring. I haven't gained a ton of weight (7-9 lbs) and am 24 fundus (sp?) height (the top of my uterus) was measuring 30 weeks when I was 22 weeks and Baby AC was measuring 10 days ahead at 21 weeks! Yet there's a lady at my church who sees me twice a week bar none and just figured out last night that I'm pregnant LOL! There's a little boy at the after school program yesterday that asked if I had a baby in my tummy and when I told him yes, he pulled my shirt up to see! LOL! It was so funny! No one else was there except him Mom who freaked! LOL! It really was cute though! He was just curious....glad it was me and not someone who would get angry over it! LOL! I'm sure he and his Mom had a nice long chat last night! So if I don't write much about this pregnancy it's because there's nothing to write! I feel great, and my appts are truly boring! I've learned to love Love LOVE boring! It means everything is good and that I will take! Todd has been super helpful lately too! Last night while I went to Bible study, he took the boys to the grocery, got everything on my list and then helped put the groceries away before he took out the trash! Lane even went up to get the bathroom trash without being asked! I have such good boys! Then Ethan went up to bed without being asked, I'm sure he was looking for the same praise Lane got for doing the trash, and trust me he got it! Tonight Todd's going to help A work on something, tomorrow he has Explode and then Thursday he and the boys have Boy Scouts! Way fun and lots of down time for me to work in the babies room! Which really needs to be done. Last time Todd had it set up in September, but with the boys he had to go home from the hospital to set it up because we were NO WHERE near ready! LOL! I'd like to participate with the set up this time! Oh wish me luck!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Words Escape Me...

Though not completely of couse. Yesterday afternoon Todd missed a call from the Dayton Children's Hosp asking us to call back immediately. I called back, and left a message. Today over my lunch I received the call from DCH.

"Hello, this is Cathy with DCH regarding Lane Skaggs. Is this the mother of Lane Skaggs"

it is

"Hi, we got the results back from Lane's biopsy" dramatic pause "and I'd like to go over those with you now if this is a good time"


"I'll read for you the doctor's notes, please try to follow along"

"the biopsy shows an infection called __________________________________ and it is located in his small intestine, the biopsy finds no evidence of celiac disease at this time"

wait, no celiac?

"correct ma'am"

so Lane Michael doesn't have celiac?

"no ma'm, now if we could continue, Lane has an infection which ate away the lining of his small intestine, he will need to take 2 medications faithfully for 7 days, and have a second biopsy in one year"

I blanked out after that, I'm pretty sure she said to pick up the meds at CVS but the point is



Thank you Lord, we praise you, lift you up and worship you for you have loved little Lane Michael more than I ever could, you touched his body and cured him. You are so good! Thank you Lord for blessing my family in more ways than I can thank you for! You are truly amazing, thank you for loving us, sinful as we are.

Modern day miracle!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Still No Results....

On Friday Lane Michael had his stomach was very scary and as a Mommy I would never want to send either of my children thru that ever again....that being said, I'm glad we did it. When we arrived they took us back to pre-op and we waited what seemed like FOREVER, finally they got the IV started and whisked him away. An hour later he came back, he woke up from the anesthesia and was feeling pretty good....really grumpy but good nonetheless....the doctor then came in to tell us what they'd found...his esophagus looked great! the lining of his stomach was decent but the lining of his small intestine was gone. There were no lesions but there was no lining either, veins were sitting on the surface and it was irritated, so they took the biopsy and said that there's a 90-95% chance he has word yet on the results but we've started the diet at home and we're actually enjoying it....the rice pancakes last night were SUPER yummy! I'm shocked at all the things that we have to change, even our cooking oil! But I'm not scared like I was, my Mom and my cousin C is changing her family over to this diet for convenience and because it's just healthier! My mom and I wanted to do this last summer after my Dad passed but for some reason we just never did, now we will....the hardest part about the biopsy was hearing the gravity of the situation. the doctor explained to us that if we didn't put him on this diet it will cause cancer in his stomach and small intestine....I can eat gluten free to keep from causing cancer in my little boy!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Now I've Seen It All!!!

Have you ever been some where that accentuated every reason you don't live in that city? This weekend I went to a wedding. A family wedding. With normal family get togethers I go and stay as long as they aren't kicking me out....I expected this to be no different. I love weddings, it's a night of free entertainment as people make complete fools of themselves and where my kids wear themselves ragged. But this, this was special. Immediately upon arrival the family lines were could see who belonged where. I'm saying any of this to be snobby or stuck up, but to paint this mental image for you. Anyways, the keg was tapped, the kids were running, I was surrounded by some of my favorite people and the other side was putting on a show worthy of watching. The heals were taller than the skirts were long, yes folks it was quite a show! And it was 6:30. *sigh* Lane was impressed, not sure where to look first, the 15 teenage girls all dressed in black or the mini-skirts....both were fascinating but I don't have to say which won his attention! Then the bride and groom showed and Ethan asked "yes but where is the bride" my response "she's the girl in the black shorts, black heals and a black flower in her hair" (the shorts were shorter than the heals). But none of the bothered me. I was having a grand time (other than feeling like poo from some mild braxton hicks). So after much begging I took the boys outside to play, I sat with my Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, her DH and Todd....we were having a nice time watching the kids run in the yard but I couldn't understand what the 3 yo little boy was saying to my niece....and then I heard it, clear as day, he was finally close enough that it stuck "Blow me" WHAT!?!?!? Hm. well. hm. What do you even say? What do you do? It's obviously not the little boys fault but you can't allow it to continue....wait a minute, those older boys (9 and 10 maybe) are teaching my boys how to play "drunk robbers" ....what is he holding....Holy Cow it's a flask! "Lane and Ethan, come away from those can't play like that, it's unacceptable behavior and I wont allow it" But then out came the pocket knife, not a kids pocket knife but a man's pocket knife with a 4" blade....time to go....yes I know it's only 8:30 and the dancing hasn't started, it's time to go. Breathe a collective sigh of relief that the 10 yo didn't stab us for insisting our children behave acceptably!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Tubes, Adenoids and and Ultrasound, all in one day!

Yesterday was the busiest day we've had in a very long time! Todd got up at 11:45 pm to go to work, was home by 7:30 to get Ethan to the Hospital by 8:30 to have his adenoids taken out and tubes put 9:30 the wheeled him into surgery and at 10:34 I had news that he was out, feeling groggy but good! The Dr. told Todd that Ethan could resume eating and activity as tolerated (returning to school on next Monday), so Todd offered Ethan a Happy Meal, Ethan said "no thanks, I just want Lane" it was the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my whole life! After that he decided he would like some spaghetti and meatballs but then changed his mind and took the Happy Meal with a milk assured he got spaghetti for supper last night!

Then at 3:15 I left the office to pick up Lane, and head to Lima to meet Ethan and Todd for my ultrasound. They took us back rather quickly, I hopped up on the table and after finding the initial heartbeat the tech turned the screen slightly towards Todd and the boys (I didn't see anything), she found the measurements she needed, checked the umbilical cord and as Todd asked questions she would show him different things....I still couldn't see. At one point I wiggled so that I could see but it was too uncomfortable so I would just look up when she mentioned something interesting...I got to see one face shot, and we got a great look at one foot (5 toes and all), then as she was looking around I happened to look up and in trying to see what I was looking at, I realized, I was looking at the gender....dang it, I didn't' want to know....I'm only 80% sure but that leaves about 20% doubt....only because once I realized what I was looking at I looked away and didn't look back...this just adds to the excitement though! After that Todd got a piece of paper that was taped shut with the gender written inside...I don't think he's peaked at it yet but we'll see....and we left....with no pictures in hand! *sigh* that makes me sad. But Baby AC is measuring 10 days ahead of schedule and looks very healthy, she said he probably weighs about 1 lb 8 sweet big baby!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

busy busy busy!

I have so much going on that I don't even know what to write! Work is busy, the kids are busy, Todd is busy! As the job market and the economy get worse, my job gets busier and harder...much harder! I'm tired at the end of the day, often emotionally drained! Lane and Ethan are both having medical procedures done next week (one on Monday and the other on Friday) that's a lot of work to miss in one week! Todd has tested for a new job and is hoping for an interview, he's stressed about it because it would be the perfect job for him! It's a job he's wanted for a very long time, and a job he'd be great at! I have my big u/s to make sure things are going as they should with Baby AC on May was April 21st, they changed it to the 23rd (which I can't make) so I had to change it again! I go to Cleveland may 12-15 for training, have the boys Spring Program on May 19th, their last day of school is May 22nd, a friend is coming to town May 21st-24th, and June 7th thru the 13th I'll be in California for training! Where did the time go!? I can't keep up with life! When will I do the laundry? LOL! At least life is good!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Waves of Change!

With Kindergarten came lots of kids learned to dislike veggies, learned to say horrible things (little boy horrible but still horrible), and have learned of all the things in the world that they aren't getting! Ethan learned that other kids have video games that they're allowed to play at leisure (not the case at our house), that other families don't go to church (not something I was ready to explain) and that life isn't fair! (teeheehee) Lane learned many of the same things but what he really learned is that other families eat candy and sweets....that dessert is often a staple after dinner and that he was missing this year, things will change...I've stuck to my guns for as long as I can....but in trying to keep our family life as normal as possible, I'll be putting a small amount of candy in the Easter Baskets this year (go ahead, get the shock and awe out of your system)...done? Good....SO....what kind of candy do you put in an Easter basket anyway? My kids by so little candy that I dont have a CLUE what kind of candy they like....I don't know if one likes chocolate and the other starbursts? I just don't know....I have the logistics of dividing the candy up all figured out and how they will get a peice after dinner and all that but really....I wonder what they like....hmmm....I may have to do some research!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I'm not sure what to say....

Last Thursday I got a call from the school....Lane was dropping hard, fast and often. Hm. Growth spurt? Friday we went to PA so he wasn't in school....he dropped hard and fast (when I say hard and fast I mean being 130 and 40 min later being 39) So Saturday night we called the on call doctor because it wasn't getting better....we lowered his Lantus (24 hour insulin) from 10 units to 7 units! I will continue to flood the gates of Heaven!

Thursday, April 2, 2009


We are praying for a HEALING! Complete and Total! Every night until Lane, Ethan and T are healed we are praying for a complete healing! We are praying for Lane to start creating insulin, stop having seizures and to process gluton properly! We are praying for Ethan to hear and for his ADHD to be healed! We are praying for T (I don't want to reveal his identity without his parents permission) he's 4 and has autism! We are thanking God for all that he has done and praising him! We are asking that if it is God's will that he would heal our children! He loves them far more than we ever can! So we are flooding the gates of Heaven with prayer! Knocking down God's door and making it impossible for him to ignore us! We need a miracle! In the Book of John he tells of all the healings that Jesus performed! He brought Lazarus back from the dead, he gave the blind man sight, he CAN make Lane's body produce insulin! If it is his will! Join me as I flood the gates of Heaven....this isn't a request, I am begging you!

If you're interested in a good read, read the book of's the story of Easter but it only takes about 3 hours and gave me so much appreciation for what Jesus did for us! My husband is 30 years old....Jesus walked the earth for just 33 years, and then chose to die for us!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I went and got checked (thank you for the encouragement) and everything is fine, it was just my paranioa and a front lying placenta making me so nervous! I'm up 1 lb since the beginning of this pregnancy and I'm ok with that! LOL! The heartbeat is 177 (the nurse made a comment about this being a girl! LOL) Thanks again for your encouragement to go in to be seen, it took no time at all and made me feel 100% better!

In other news, Ethan has a confirmed diagnosis for ADHD. I'm still processing this information and slowly coming to terms with it...

Monday, March 30, 2009

Not feeling pregnant....

I haven't felt the baby kick in about a week....and this morning when I woke up, I was down 3 lbs from last week...I lost 3 lbs the week I lost Braden, that's when I knew I had lost him. I don't "know" anything about this baby. Except that I don't feel next appt isn't until April 21st. I feel foolish walking around like I'm pregnant, "looking pregnant" talking about having a baby in August when I don't really believe it myself. It's like "stupid girl, you actually think this will end with a baby!? right! didn't you learn your lesson last time!?" I'm not sad, just feel silly, like I'm pretending.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I Know What People Must Think...

He can't have all of these going on....he can't be this sick, he looks normal, he runs normal, he eats when he's told to, he's smart and goofy, HE LOOKS NORMAL! Little did we know that inside this perfect little body is a poorly functioning pancreas, a stomach that may not be able to break down gluton, and an overactive brain. So when people say "stop looking for things to be wrong" how do I answer....I've been where they are...doubting. I've thought it of can't really be as bad as they say/think....I'm eating my words/thoughts. Lane had yet another seizure on Wednesday afternoon....this was for him the scariest....the first seizure he had hallucinations of "lizards with pincers" he held his hands about a foot apart to show us how big and he said they were on the ground. The second seizure was on March 20th...he doesn't remember that one, he was scared but he fell asleep after the seizure and doesn't remember it at all, so we aren't sure what he saw. And then Wednesday I arrived as he was coming out of it, he didn't see me or hear me come in but he knew I was there when I held him...afterwards I was looking at him (he was crying nearly uncontrollably and I asked if he was scared and he said he was scared of the dark place, when I asked if when he woke up he could see Ethan, he said no, if he could see his bed, he said no, and Daddy, No....he was terrified! I called the neurologist on call, this means he will need to be medicated for his seizures from now on....this is a good step if he continues to have seizures. We can't continue to allow him to seize just waiting to see if he'll outgrow this. Oh I pray he outgrows this! Then Thursday we had an appt with a gastro Dr....they did a blood panel on him a few weeks back and it was determined that he has 11 markers for Celiac disease (normal is 3). The doctor was WONDERFUL! We loved him! He was upbeat and didn't think of celiac as a bad disease, he would require no medication if ever diagnosed with this! So yesterday they did a more definitive blood work up that will give us a positive or a negative...if it comes up negative we go back 6 mos later for another blood draw to see where we go from there, if it's positive they'll bring him back and biopsy the lining of his stomach/small intestine. This sounds very scary but really it's not as bad as it sounds. *sigh* I'm tired. But I'm not the one doing the work, Lane and God...they're in this together!

On an unrelated note, the pregnancy is the most boring and wonderful pregnancy EVER! I'm 18 weeks 3 days, blood pressure is great, I've gained 3 lbs and the baby is starting to move around a little bit! The books say that baby is about the size of a can of soda from the top of his/her head to his/her little rump! LOL! and next Tuesday will be about the size of a grapefruit or large mango! Getting so big so fast! LOL! I LOVE IT!

In case you're curious what celiac would mean for my family. Lane could no longer eat pasta, bread, cake, pizza....processed's all off limits. The carbs he would be able to eat are potato carbs and rice carbs....the saddest part of all would be that he could no longer eat lo mein....his absolute FAVORITE meal EVER! oh the thought makes me cry....

Monday, March 16, 2009

Yet Another Seizure.

Friday was a good day, it was pay day (which is always just good) and the boys were behaving, everyone was in a good mood and we were heading to my Mom's for the evening....we were bummed that we weren't going to the lake but it was still good...we had promised the boys a new toy if they could take all the old, broken and unused toys from their toy boxes and throw them away, they did a killer job and have maybe half the toys the originally had so to Wal Mart we went. I had a baby shower gift to buy and they had toys to buy....they each took $15 from their saved up allowance, they went with their Dad to pick their toy, Ethan went with me to pick the shower gift while Lane chose his toy, then Todd brought Lane to me to help with grocery shopping while Ethan chose his toy, it was going well. After getting the last of the groceries Lane and I headed to find Todd and Ethan in the toy department. Ethan finished up quickly and we were ready to go. Walking to the check out, Lane started to swerve as he walked, walking into Todd and into a rack at one point. I held his hand as we walked to the restrooms, I thought about sending him in but then thought better of it and took his hand, we walked together and even then he nearly ran into another customer and the bathroom stall....I knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it at that moment....when he made a mess trying to use the restroom it hit me....he was seizing. I was able to walk him back to the check out where Todd was paying. I took Lane to the van to wait out the seizure and Todd and Ethan followed, his body began to jerk, he couldn't walk, talk or see us. Todd held him, Ethan ate candy and I went back and forth. Ethan was scared, Lane was out of it, Todd and I had so many emotions running thru us that it's hard to say what we were feeling...I was relieved. Don't crucify me for that statement. I was glad to have Todd with me for his second seizure, glad to have it over with and glad to know I could handle this one better than the last. I wasn't scared....I was in shock but mainly I was annoyed that my poor perfect little boy was seizing. Annoyed that he had no control over himself and that my poor sweet Ethan has to be so scared for his brother. After 20 minutes of this, he was able to see us, he cried and wasn't able to speak properly, it came out as gibberish but even that subsided. As soon as he was able to identify his blanket, we let him sleep. He slept from Wal Mart to my Aunt Landa's woods, and when he woke, he remembered nothing, he smiled and for him, life was good. He's been cranky and moody since Friday night, but they say to give him 3 days to reset and become his old self again. I called the neurologist on call that night and he said we can consider this our diagnosis for epilepsy. This makes me sad...Lane will never know life without doctors poking and prodding, he'll never know life without medical intervention and he'll always appear to be perfect. I wouldn't have it any other way...but I would give everything for him to know "normal life"

Monday, March 9, 2009

Calling ALL Moms!

The temper tantrum has returned to our house and has taken up residency in my children! My normally calm, fun, easy going children are suddenly not fun calm or easygoing! They are easily over whelmed by noise and commotion, they want what they want and will scream at you to get it....Todd and I haven't spoiled our children, they have all the normal behaviors but I thought we were past this stage for sure! Ethan has become fussy and sad and Lane angry if denied their wants....I was hoping this would be a short lived stage but it's turning out to be a very unwanted house guest. Life has been mildly crazy for a few weeks and I'm hoping that soon life will go back to normal and maybe my children will follow....but until then, they must stop screaming, crying and fussing at me....I insist! If anyone has any suggestions, I would REALLY appreciate them! How did you get rid of the temper tantrum when it came to live at your house....please remember that my children are WAY TOO OLD TO BE TANTRUMMING!!!!

Friday, March 6, 2009

This post has a point, I swear!

Before the boys were born, Todd and I decided we would like to try and keep the boys from sucking their thumbs, we knew it would be a struggle to break them of this habit. Over the years I've gone back and forth on this issue...Lane Michael never wanted to be a thumb sucker....he would much rather someone else pacify him so he gladly took the pacifier and gladly gave it up at an appropriate age. Ethan would have like to be a thumb sucker....he tried very hard in the beginning and when he would start looking for it, Todd or I would replace it with his pacifier, it worked like a charm and we never had a problem after that, he too gave up his pacifier at the same time Lane gave his up. The problem we're having now is that Ethan would still like to be a thumb sucker, when he gets scared or nervous, the thumb goes in the mouth instinctually. He has a problem with security, I think it has to do with a lot of different factors, he's had an interesting life. We moved from Texas to Ohio when they were 2 mos old, back to Texas at 6 mos old, back to Ohio at 9 mos and lived with my parents until our house was ready to move into when they were 11 mos....I went back to work part time when they were 12 mos and full time when they were 18 mos. We lived with my parents for a short time just before they were 2, and and again when they were 3, Lane was diagnosed with a very scary disease when they were 3 (almost 4), this had a huge impact on Ethan. Braden died right before they turned 4, and we moved to town soon after that. He has so many reasons to be insecure. I don't know if sucking his thumb would have been better for his security or worse because he would still be sucking it consistently. Which brings me to the point of this post....I'm not sure if I should allow this baby to suck his/her thumb....people always talk about babies sucking their thumbs on the ultra sounds and none of our children have ever been caught sucking their fingers, hands, or thumbs, so maybe I won't have to make that least I have a few months to mull it over!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Winter Blues to Spring Fever....

I don't actually get the winter blues...I don't prefer one season over the others...I enjoy them all individually...but just about a month before each change of season I get the itch....a desire to see the change and do all the things that go with the upcoming season, so as you can imagine there are a few things I'm ready for....spring cleaning and (a new found interest) gardening! So much needs done in my house that I've been too tired/busy/lazy to do lately and with Spring right around the corner I'm ready to get started...I'll make my list and this weekend I'll begin with the rooms we don't use often or the rooms that I can get done over this two day period (I haven't done my list yet but I'm thinking the basement storage room, laundry room and bathroom and then also the nursery). As for gardening...well this is a first for me! I've never had a garden of my parents used to put out a large garden that fed us all summer long and provided pickles for the year....I have lots of goals but this year I'm starting small....I want to put out tomatoes (plenty of tomatoes), melons, pumpkins, squash, zucchini, green beans and maybe some strawberries. My yard isn't big enough for a garden but my Mom's is....I'm not up for tearing up her yard so instead I'll put it behind her barn (out of sight and good soil). Our first step is to clear the berry bushes and weeds from back there, then we'll rent a tiller and I'll bribe Todd into tilling up the land for me (I would do it but I'll be pregnant and not up to it)...after that we'll put in the posts for the vining plants to climb and then we'll plant....some of it is already started in my Mom's kitchen by the window....I have a perfect place to start my garden in boxes and then transplant but I'm rather cheap and (quite frankly) don't want to heat the porch for the rest of winter...maybe someday I can figure something else out but until then I'll buy starts from the local garden center. I know this is a big undertaking this summer and with having a baby right in the middle of it, it'll be interesting if I actually get to work in it very long but this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time now....besides with the help of Lane and Ethan it may go very smoothly....otherwise we're just wasting lots of time, money and energy! But boy am I ready! I've started my research, now all I need is the weather to give long enough to get out there and start working!