Monday, June 30, 2008

Adoption, Family and Fun...

Adoption: My family has been VERY supportive of our decision to adopt, since we first decided to start this journey 8 months ago. I truly appreciate their love, support and opinions. I feel that their opinions are valuable and should be taken into consideration when making decisions regarding my family. I have a few reasons for being what some would call a people-pleaser. The family members I talk to and consider are smart, they've been doing this a lot longer than I have and while every situation is different, they also have more experience with life in general. They love me and would only want what's best for me and my family. And combine that with their objectivity, they may be in a better position to see things more clearly. I see an empty nursery, lovingly painted pink, with a crib, clothes and a changing table. They see what chaos our life is in right now. I see my DH stand in the door of the nursery looking for a baby that may never come. They see the hardships we are welcoming. My grandma and aunt have both expressed concern about taking a child at this time. They aren't saying they think we should stop the adoption, they're telling me that they think we have too much on our plates and should consider putting the adoption on hold. My mom said that she would suggest actively looking and searching but not taking a baby who isn't very close to the guidelines we have set up. We know that there are some things we couldn't handle, or there is someone in the world more equipped to handle, so we would definately hold off ontaking a child with one of these problems. But I think I agree with my mom. But if it doesn't happen for awhile, I'm young, I'm 26 and have lots of good Mommy years ahead of me. I am missing not having a baby in the house but I also know that life is crazy right now. We're at the hospital 4 and 5 nights a week and still have LOTS of appointments to keep up with. Lane has his diabetic appointments to keep up with, we still need Ethan's final potassium test to have done, Todd and I both have surgery coming up soon (he's having wisdom teeth removed and I'm having some extensive dental work done - including wisdom teeth). So while we are still looking for a baby, we are not pushing the situation, and will pray long and hard before accepting a placement. But before all of that we know that God has a plan for us and I can't put my plan before God's!

This coming weekend, I will have a three day and Todd a four day weekend! We will be spending it at our friends lake house and it should be awesome! Aaron's family will spend the Fourth there and while I doubt my current social skills, I would like them to get to know my family, so I will try my best to hold conversations that don't include the words "death, funeral, hospital, colo-rectal, moron, idiot" or anything that may be construed as a racist comment! I ran into a high school friend's mom yesterday at the mall and as we were standing there she asked how everything was going and asked how the new baby was. I told her we didnt have a new baby, she said "yeah, you had a baby boy" I said "oh no I'm sorry, he died" she said " No, the new baby" I said "no he died" she said "no, the one after that" I said (maybe too loudly) "no really, he's dead." I got a few looks...I feel bad because I'm sure I would know if my child had died or not. So I tried to cover it with "we're trying to adopt, is that maybe what you were thinking about" But alas, she thinks I have a new baby boy at home. Maybe her son isn't the only crazy in that household. The situation was kind of comical!

While we were at the mall this weekend, we did get my funeral clothes so that I can concentrate on my mom and my children after my dad does pass. I got some beautiful clothes and I'm very excited to have new clothes and will be wearing them before the funeral so that I can wear them after without feeling like they are sacrid...they are beautiful clothes and I would like for them to be good for all occasions! I was especially excited by how slimming the clothes are! Yippee!! I got three new shirts with jewelry to DH was even supportive of the new clothes! Shopping is always better when it doesn't get my in trouble!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Treatment options...

Dad saw his doctor yesterday and they said that he's no longer a candidate for surgery because he's too weak. Today we will find out if he's a candidate to continue treatment for the cancers. I knew that he would be taken from cancer but I didn't expect it to be soon. I thought we had two years or more. I don't think we do. I want him to stay as long as he wants to stay but when he is ready, I am ready to let him go. Although I may be too close to know if I will feel that way in a few months. Mom said that things are starting to go down hill fast, so we will go up tonight and spend the evening with them. Todd may take the boys and slip out to see some Panda karate movie that I have no interest in seeing. It will be good times for everyone!

I talked to my brother yesterday. He and I used to be very close and spent all of our time together, but have really grown apart. He is selfish and I say hurtful things when I'm upset or angry which makes it hard for us to like each other. But yesterday something was different. He wasn't selfish. He said that I live 30 minutes away and he lives 12 hours away. I can't escape the stress so if I ever need to talk, I can call him. This is a huge step in the right direction for us. Now if I can stop putting my foot in my mouth, that would help. I told him that if I needed him, I would call.

This weekend should be a great weekend. I have cleared the entire weekend to do a whirl wind cleaning job on my house. I will start the day Saturday with weeding the flower beds. Inside I will rearrange the basement and put up metal shelves in the storage area. Then I will try to get rid of the stuff in the basement living room that we don't use (two old end tables). After that I'll rearrange and see what I can do to make the room flow better. I will clean my laundry rooom from top to bottom. Then I will hit the first floor hard and on Sunday I will hit the up stairs hard. I have a great game plan and hope to get it all done. Wish me luck. At some point in there I would like to go shopping. I need an appropriate dress if I need one, I don't want to have to do it when my mom needs me most. So I will clean and shop and hopefully get it all done this weekend. Phew, I'm off to help my aunt move furniture at her shop here in Wapak...hope I don't get dirty!!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

This week will get better...or not.

OK, so after Lane's seizure we've all been a little on edge and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. So we had the EEG done Wednesday morning and it went well, we should get the results from it within one week. It seems like a long wait but it has to go to a pediatric neurologist and I feel in my gut that he's fine. I just have a feeling that we're going to be OK...I almost have a weird peace about it. I'm OK. Does that make sense?

Tuesday afternoon, I was the only one working the office and was in the middle of an appointment with a very patient client when the pre-school called...Ethan tried to get a drink and hit the fountain full out, no catching himself and probably needed stitches, so I went down and it was deep but the bleeding had stopped so I didn't take him with me. Todd picked him up an hour later and took him to the doctor...he didn't need stitches but if he does it again before the first one heals, then he will...this sounds weird but Ethan has no fear so this kind of stuff happens to him a lot!

Wednesday afternoon my dad went to the ER because he was vomiting toe nails...not a good sign. So they did a CT scan and he has some blockage but I haven't really been able to talk to my mom a whole lot but she's a little weepy which is really unusual for my mom...we aren't criers and we're pretty tough skinned, so it kind of got to me when she cried...turns out they did a living will with my dad support and resuscitation...the whole bit. So I didn't ask questions but I was really struggling with it, so I called my Aunt Landa to see if she knew anything that my mom wasn't telling me and she said that her friends brother was given a month back over Memorial Day and he just died and had fewer kinds of cancer than my dad has...but she didn't know anything, so she just called back and said that this is actually standard procedure and may be should have been done well before now. That makes me feel better and I feel horrible for attacking my aunt with those questions at work but I needed to know. She has been a rock for my mom and her daughter has been a rock for me. God bless them for loving us.

On a better note, we weathered the tornado well. Ethan and Lane camped in the tent in the basement with Todd and I on an air mattress...we love having a finished basement...we felt so safe last night and Ethan didn't need to cry through the night because there was no window to be afraid of. We ate ice cream and watched Homeward Bound, it was a great evening and a much needed family night!

Today Todd called his parents to tell them about Lane's seizure and was told that his Dad's MS is so aggressive that he had to stop working. Todd is worried and scared and we aren't sure what to do. They live 8 hours away and we would love to go see them but I really can't leave my dad either...I know that I'm being selfish by not rushing him there but Dennis is in no immediate danger, I have a three day weekend in September so we may take a quick trip to Missouri then. It's hard to know when it is safe to leave Ohio.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Words Can Not Even Explain!!!

I have NEVER been SO scared in my ENTIRE LIFE!!! Today after church we sat down for lunch. Ethan was eating outside so that he didn't wake up Lane who was sleeping in my parents bedroom. We heard a cry and realized it was Lane, so Todd went in there to find him convulsing, his eyes were open and he was crying. He was having hallucinations and couldn't see us. Lane couldn't control his body, it was like a seizure except that his eyes were open and he was seeing something that wasn't there. We checked his sugar and it was 103, we called the EMS, tried to get a wooden spoon in his mouth (his mouth was too little but he did bite Todd). We took Lane outside to put him in the van but the ambulance had been called, so we (not so patiently) waited for the ambulance...Lane continued to convulse and hallucinate. He was later able to bring himself out of the seizure (it was approximately 15 minutes start to finish) and when the first responders showed up Lane was asking Todd "what are those?" pointing at the grass...there was nothing there. Later he told us that there were lizards in the grass and they had pinchers, when he talks about them he holds his hands about 18 inches apart, and tells us that he could hear us but that we disappeared and he couldn't find us. It was the MOST TERRIFYING thing I have EVER been through. We think that the seizure then caused his sugar to drop because in the ambulance, they checked him and he was 38, so they pumped some sugar into him and we left the hospital with no answers but a referral for an EG, or an EEG...a brain scan. This is my baby...I just want him to be ok! He calls it a scared fit...he struggles to remember the word seizure. I hate this and I don't want to be here...I want to be with him. I want Ethan and Lane in my house and with me all the time...what if it happens again...why seriously why. Why can't Lane lead a normal little life. Why does he have to know what carbs are, and why does he have to feel for whether he thinks he's low and why does he have to know what the numbers on the meter are...why does he need a meter! GRRR!!! Because God is taking care of us. God knows what he's doing and I trust him to have a plan for us. I am a strong person (most of the time) and I can handle this but I don't want Lane to have to live this life forever. I want him to be able to live alone if he ever wants to and not worry that he'll have a problem and be alone. But again, I do trust in God's Perfect Plan!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Going Camping

We are looking for someplace to go camping in July...but we're very picky! We have a list of requirements that this place has to meet before we'll agree to stay there! The list is as follows:
1. loads of fun
2. not too close to home (Lima, Ohio area)
3. not crowded (we don't do well with crowds)
4. not too camp-groundish
5. someplace to swim and fish
6. takes campers
7. allows fire rings

There's more...I'm sure, but this is what I can think of. We would like this camp-ground to be in one of the following states:
1. Indiana
2. Michigan
3. Ohio
4. Pennsalvania
5. Kentucky

This area...I think we should go to Missouri where Todd's Dad lives and camp in his woods...they have a HUGE pond in the middle of a large forest...but the drive is just too far!

Happy Fathers Day!!

I don't think I appreciate how lucky I am to have such an incredible man as the father to my children! We're spoiled (and yes we know it). Todd has made my job as Mom easier, he's loving and forgiving. He's grown to be this incredible Dad that has surprised us all with his perseverance and striking good looks. Todd grew up in Missouri with his Dad and Step-Mom and 4 brothers (part-time brothers). He was abandoned by his mother at 4 years old but luckily was give to his father. He lived with his Dad until he was 16, he left the farm then and moved to St. Louis. Todd moved in with some friends who were all bad influences but managed to get himself to church and school. He graduated when he was 20 years old...I'm so proud of him, even as a kid, he was a fighter and was determined to be successful. After graduation, Todd went into the Army, he served in Afganistan, Kuwait, Irag, South Carolina and Germany (I'm sure there are more that I can't remember right now). We met in Germany (his second tour and my first). I knew at first sight that I would marry him. He wasn't so sure...he dated my friend before realizing that we were better suited to each other...we married in Texas, where our twins were born. After Todd got out of the service he decided (with lots of pushing from me) that we should move to Ohio where we had a great support system. He started out a Drill Sergeant Dad and has become one of the best Dad's I know, we have great kids and I couldn't do this with out him. When Lane was diagnosed, Todd stayed in the hospital for the entire week, learning how to care for Lane's diabetes. It was a great learning and bonding experience for Todd and Lane. Those seven days allowed Todd to play a bigger part in Lane's care now...I don't know what I would do without him but I'm glad that he's my partner! We're best friends and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life goofing off with any one but him.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

What is this feeling and where did it come from?

Most importantly...when will it go home? Lately I've been self-doubting and strange. I find myself wondering if I talked to Lane and Ethan like they were little boys for long enough! What a ridiculous thought...I wonder if we're doing the right thing by adopting instead of just having a bio child...or just being happy with the perfect children God has blessed us with...I wonder if I should make the changes I've been wanting to make (becoming a SAHM) or if I should just keep life the way it is...I just don't know. Why can't I just know the way life should be going...I really want to adopt but I'm also impatient...yes I know I should leave it at the feet of the Lord and yes I know that God is probably teaching me patience and of course our little girl will come in her time...but on the other hand....are we cheating ourselves by excluding boys from our search...or am I cheating Todd out of watching a babies first few months by not insisting on a little bitty (or having a bio) - he left for Iraq when the boys were two months old and saw them only during leave until he moved to Ohio when they were almost a year old...Todd missed 10 mos of the first that fair to him. Is it fair to the boys to add to the family when we are so perfect...but I don't feel like we're complete...I'm ready to go home to cuddle a little bitty at the end of the day, I'm ready to clean up toys and kiss napping lips...I'm ready to rock a sleepy screaming baby to sleep and somewhere there is a little bitty screaming that needs rocking...but my county doesn't have any children coming into care (which thank God for no abuse in my county but the thing about abuse is that it will never fully go away)...our county has like two kids in care right now...seriously. 2. So there are homes that are full to capacity and beyond in other counties but here we sit waiting for our placement!

I just talked to a friend of mine who went through the classes with us and they just got their first placement last Friday! I'm so excited for them! They got two little girls (temporary care) who are 4 & 5 years old! It's nice to hear that we didn't sign up for a program that is going nowhere. That's how I was starting to feel but now I think it's just that we're picky...but it's ok because we're willing to wait for what we want! Phew...that phone call came just in time!!

PS My good friend Jesse just e-mailed me to let me know that she had Baby #2 on June 3rd, a healthy bouncing baby boy, Carter...everyone is doing well, Congrats Jesse!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Lane has a memory like an elephant...I'm pretty sure someday he'll reveal to me that he remembers his birth because Lord knows he remembers EVERYTHING else! Last winter he was talking about a scratch he got on his knee at Grandma Skaggs house when he was 18 mos old! Crazy good memory! But what I didn't expect was for Ethan to have such a good memory! Yesterday as I was laying on the couch, ready to vomit at the thought of anything scented (no I'm not pregnant) Ethan came to me and asked "where are those three boys we got from the church? Those brown kids? Like Nick?" (Nick is my VERY dark Caucasian nephew). I asked if he meant the African Orphans, and he said "yeah, those three boys" I told him that they went to stay with more families to show them what good singers the kids are. Ethan said that he missed them and would like to have them back. He even said one of them name...I said "Joseph, Ephraim" and he said "Edgar" he said he would like to have a big brother. What a cutie! I love my boys! They're sweet and smart...I am a lucky girl!

Friday, June 6, 2008


My friend, Sarah (see link on right side) told me months ago that I could have first pick of her baby girl clothes before they went on her garage sale...I told her to price them and call me as soon as she was ready for me to go through them...she's 8 months pregnant (and looking fabulous) with a 2 year old to chase, and still took the time last night to sit with me while I went through all of her SUPER CUTE, WELL CARED FOR lil girl wardrobe...she had clothes with tags, most of it was Tommy, Ralph Lauren and a few other big names! These clothes are SUPER CUTE! So we spent two hours going through clothes...and I didn't even look at anything under 12 mos.!! So when we loaded the 5 boxes, the garbage bad, and the grocery sack of clothes, socks, shoes and tights into my van, I asked what I could pay her. She said that this is what she wanted to do for me...WOW!!! She's amazing!! We've been good friends for a long time and I hope she knows how much I appreciate her friendship and of course her generosity...she said that so much of it was given to her...but seriously she could have had a garage sale and just let me go through and buy the stuff but I of course prefer this route!! Thanks Sarah! By the way, Emma steals my heart every time I see her!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

To Send Them or Not To Send Them...

I am a gut instinct kind of Mom...Every decision I've ever made regarding my children has been made on what I feel is right for them...I think I've used up my supply for the fiscal year already. We are debating on whether we should send our children to Kindergarten this year (they turned 5 in January) or to wait a year and send them at 6. I know that some teachers say to wait the extra year, but my DH wants to send them...I don't have an opinion yet. My gut is silent resting from all of the over-exhausting decisions it has obviously been making over the last 6 months or so. So, I come here today to do a Pro Con's what I do when the gut is on strike. So here goes

PRO for sending them
they will stay with thier friends
they know the information needed for kindergarten
money (we spend a house payment on childcare each month)
they may do well and blossom
doctor says to send them
they want to go
Lane is bored out of his mind in pre-school
Diabetic Aide
Kindergarten teacher with diabetes
504 plan will protect Lane's best interest
DH wants them to go
school offers Transitional first if they can't make it
if they don't go and get held back a second time then they are two years behind thier age group

CON for sending them
they may fall on their faces and be held back (harder than holding back this year)
preschool teacher doesn't think they'll be able to keep up next year
Ethan won't sit still
Ethan is significantly smaller than the other kids in his class
they are immature for thier age
Lane's diabetes still causes melt downs (full out temper tantrums)

Ok, so in the end, my pros list outweighs my cons list...we have all summer to work with them and try to get this resolved...DH is pretty insistent on this and in the end he has final say so...I just want whatever's right for the boys...I just don't understand why I don't have a gut feeling for this!! I'm hoping that kindergarten round up will give us a better feel for what decision we will make...I'm hoping Todd will go with me that day...*sigh* I love being a Mommy and I'm usually very intune to my kids needs but I just can't get a read for this one...I'm sure when the time comes I'll know what to do...otherwise it's back to the Pro/Con list...

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Vacation was AWESOME!!!

Ok, I will start with the bad news so that this post ends on a good note!

First we have my dad...the truly bad news. He was back in the hospital this week for treatment. He had two infections (UTI and staph - both pretty much cleared up), he had internal bleeding (we're working on this one), blood clots (will probably get worse) and to top it off they did a CT Scan on him and the results are's bad. very very very bad. It's always bad but this's bad. The doctor said that the cancer in his lungs has "profound growth" when talking about cancer profound growth are really bad words...really bad. They also found a mass surrounding his right kidney. He only has one kidney...once again, bad. So they are sending him home and we are going to can a turkey. He wants to teach me how to can before he dies, he wants to do pickles but we don't know that he'll live long enough for them to come in. My kids talk about my Dad in past tense. "He WAS a good Grandpa. He USED to play with me" "I miss him" It's very sad...yes I know they need counseling. I'm excited to can turkey this should be fun.

The baby we applied for has been adopted. We were never told that she had a family in the works. I'm very happy for her, every baby deserves a forever home and she found hers. My husband is angry that they let us think we were actually in the running. But alas she is gone and we are out.

Ok, onto the wonderful week of family togetherness! We started the week with a parade (family tradition) It was a lot of fun! We left right after the parade for Port Clinton where there is an African Safari...the boys LOVED it! Then we went swimming for a couple of hours, had dinner and went to bed. On Tuesday, we got up, ate breakfast and headed to Cedar was great! The boys loved the Kiddie Coaster (FYI Cedar Point has the biggest Kiddie Coaster in the Nation!) They had lots for everyone to do and even though it was 50 degrees, we had a great time! Wednesday Todd went golfing and I took the boys to play at this huge McDonalds, swimming and to get hair cuts (half of our vacation pictures have boys with long hair and half have boys with SHORT hair). Thursday we headed back to Cedar Point, the lines were longer because the weather was better but we still only waited 45 min max for a ride...that's really short (2-3 hours normally). Friday we went to Kalahari Water Park and it was awesome! Ethan was an inch too short for some of the rides which made him really sad but we made due with the 5 that he could go on safely! I went down a big slide and yelled up that it was too fast and too dark...I went up the three flights of stairs and as I stepped on the top step Ethan went down, I went flying back down to catch him and by the time I got down there, he was headed back up to go again because it was "so freakin awesome!!" So summary of vacation, I learned that I have big boys that I don't give enough credit or freedom...they are WAY more capable than I ever expected! It makes me so proud and sad that they're growing into such good little gentlemen! We even had someone at the Japanese Steak House comment on how well behaved they were! I love it when people (other than me) realize how good they are! People see them as one person (because they are twins) so it feels like they are twice as ornery as they are, so when they're good, it makes me remember that individually they are really good kids!