Tuesday, May 31, 2011

New Development

We will not likely be taking in my cousins daughter. LM probably isn't taking the job. I'm watching her life spin out of control, and Lex is the innocent bystander. Without giving too much information, all I can say is that I'll pray for safety for everyone and a good stable home environment for Lex...whereever she ends up.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Complete Honesty, right?

My disconnected, struggling feelings have passed. Life is good, I'm feeling better in my marriage and in my relationships. Todd and I had a "get it all out" session and now we're working on the repairs that need to be made. The communication in our marriage usually fantastic so when we don't get to connect about things that are weighing on us, then other areas start breaking down too...we fixed (are fixing) the communication aspect and the other areas are falling back into place. Team work, respect and consideration are all things that had started breaking down with the breakdown in communication.

The boys quit the Buckland Baseball team...and joined the Wapak baseball team. Astro Lanes. They've been doing so much better on Astro Lanes! It was a great change! Their confidence is up, and they look forward to every game. We really liked Buckland but Wapak is more our speed and our level. Neither one of them has struck out yet, and both are playing positions other than left field. It was a good change for all of us.

And now for the meat of the post, the complete honesty. My cousin called me the other day. I'll call her LM. LM was married to a nice enough guy and last summer he died. They have a daughter together. Lex. Lex is just over 2 and beautiful. She's spunky and fun. She was the light of her Dad's life. LM and J (dad) worked opposite shifts to keep Lex out of daycare. LM makes no secrets about her lack of maternal instinct. She loves her daughter(s) (she has an adult daughter also) but enjoys the fun stuff...and struggles with the mundane parenting aspect. She has said this herself. She currently is still working her same job, works very early in the morning and is home before Lex is up and her adult daughter is in the home so she still is able to raise her without the use of daycare. It's a very good system. LM called me last week and in the course of the conversation she said she had applied for a new job. As a train conductor. Over the road for long, hard hours. I asked "what about Lex?" she said that's why she called. If she gets the job, she'd like us to have Lex stay with us while she's over the road. I didn't immediately answer. Todd wasn't home so we couldn't talk about it. We've agreed to it though I'm not sure how I feel about it. I love LM deeply, and love Lex's adult sister and I love Lex. I want what is best for all of them and if this is what is best, then I want this to happen for them. They're all in a weird place of transition right now and none of them are sure of their next move. Losing J has really affected all of them.

Todd and I talked today, because LM's application is under review and she has met all of the pre-req's for the position, about what we need in writing (medical, visitation with extended family, discipline and crossing state lines) and how to cross that bridge. It's a very delicate situation because there are other people who will feel entitled to Lex. I want it to be very clear that only LM makes these decisions and that while Todd and I did not ask for this, we are happy to have her as long as she's with us.

I'm nervous about a few things. The families reaction. Losing Lex once she's been with us long enough to see her as a permanent fixture in our life. Lex feeling juggled from home to home.

I will trust that God has a plan for my family, for LM, Adult sister and for Lex. and we'll just pray for guidance.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The New Big Boy Bedroom!

This is what I came home to the other night:

All the furniture (2 dressers and 2 bed) had been removed from the room (taken to my Mom's shop and put up for sale). Then we spent the rest of the evening doing this:

The boys all love their "new" room! And honestly, so do I! They have so much more floor space than they used to! It's a good change...the only thing we need to work out is where clothes will go. The dresser under the loft bed isn't big enough to hold all their clothes...we're still working on that though!

Ryan obviously LOVES sleeping in a big boy bed! He hasn't had any trouble adjusting and loves going to bed at night! Sweet baby!

These beds were bought seperately but couldn't match better if we'd bought them together. We paid $180 for the whole set (what the guy with the bunk beds was asking for just the set of bunkbeds!). I hope these last us a good long time!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I am struggling.

I don't feel the connection with the people in my life that I'm used to. Things in my life are changing right now and somehow I've removed myself (or been removed) from the equation.

Todd and I are struggling to stay connected. I've found myself not fighting with him, instead, I don't care enough to fight any more. He's become aloof and complacent in our relationship. Neither of us is really at fault...more both of us are.

My Mom is seeing Jack and while I'm so happy for her and want this for her, it's been an adjustment. When she used to call me to tell me any news, she now talks to him. As it should be. I'm just still adjusting. We all are. I'm not hurt by this, I want this for her. It's just coming at the same time that I'm also not feeling connected to Todd.

My family in Tennessee are slowly pulling away...not intentionally but they have houses to build, they're busy. They aren't here as much and I can't be there right now.

Ryan has been sick for a couple of days...and only wants Daddy. I'm not his primary parent. It makes me sad.

Lane Michael and Ethan are never home, and when they are, they're outside on their bikes.

I'm feeling alone and to find the solution.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Happy Mothers Day

Biopsy results came back clean! It was a cluster of capillaries under the skin! YEAH! Thank God!

Mothers Day was nice...uneventful for the most part....actually, it was very eventful, it just was also a normal day.

Lou (my brother) took a job in Arizona...he leaves on May 22nd. My Mom is so sad.

Lane Michael had an endo appt went well. The doc said we're doing a great job, his numbers are right where we want them...she tweaked his lunch number and his bed snack but left everything else the same!

Baseball is going well! They played Tuesday night, Lane Michael was in the outfield, Ethan 2nd base and each scored a run...although they were walked (the other boys are much bigger than ours so it's hard to pitch to such small strike zones).

Ryan is so sassy lately! On Mothers Day he walked up to Ethan, who was standing at the kids table while eating a bowl of fruit, Ryan hugged him from behind but started walking backwards, after he had moved Ethan out of the way, he ran and grabbed his fruit and ran off. Hysterical! He's also taken to calling me Honey (hahaha) so often I hear "oh Honey, stop it" LOL goof! He's still very shy and doesn't speak in front of people...last night a friend asked if he ever speaks, so I called him over and he said a few sentences but painfully shy!

Thursday, May 5, 2011


I was expecting to go into the doctors office, have him scrape a few cells off the area and send me on my way, he'd call me in a week to tell me the results. No big deal, so in anticipating this "no big deal" I went alone...well not completely alone, Ryan went along. That is not what happened.

Instead the nurse took me to a small room, on the door it said "minor surgery". She set out her instruments, handed me a sheet to cover myself and left me to get ready.

Pretty soon Dr F came in, I laid back, he gave me a shot of pain meds, Ryan tried to climb up with me so I asked him where all his body parts were, by the time I got through all his body parts, Dr. F said it was all done. I have 4 stitches and they didn't hurt right away.

I took Ryan to Cool Aunt Becca, and headed to Cleveland for training. But by the time I was in Lima, my jeans were hurting my stitches so I stopped at penneys to get some yoga pants have spent all non working hours in those this week (so comfy).

It's ugly but doesn't hurt too much.

After Dr. F was done I asked what to expect, the nurse said I'd come back in 10 days to get the stitches out and get the results. When asked about the spot on my ankle Dr F said "if on the off chance it comes back normal, we'll then biopsy the spot on the ankle, but otherwise we'll send you to a derm who will look at your whole body"...yah as optomistic as I am about everything coming back normal, I wish Dr F would feel the same!

But my grandma is pretty bad so we're definitely in prayer for her!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Bin Laden Killed

Osama bin Laden changed my life. He changed who I am, how I think, what I believe. He changed how I view the world and he changed how I view Muslims.

On September 11, 2001 I was 19 years old. Green behind the ears. Thought I had it all figured out. I had just come back from a 3 day weekend spent in Switzerland. I was living in Germany. My barracks room was on Patton Barracks and I worked a couple miles away on the shopping complex. It was the end of our work day when we were pulled into the lobby for our end of the day briefing and dismissal. Our First Sergeant suddenly burst into the room, followed by 2 soldiers who were weeping. He was a solemn man but this time it was different...almost stunned and angry. He turned on the TV, stood against the far wall and quietly told 6 soldiers to go to the roof and start making fighting positions from the sand bags in the basement, he told the pregnant soldiers to start gathering supplies, those from NYC to call their loved ones, and do so until they got through, and the rest of us were to control traffic. In the hours that followed, we were put on lock down. A very pregnant woman went into labor, and an older gentleman was having heart trouble. We were able to get them off post and into a cab that would take them to the hospital across town where they would be met at the gate by an ambulance. I was in a cast, I was put on guard duty at the PX where the manager had forgotten (in all the chaos) to lock up before closing for the night. We didn't sleep that night, it was probably 32 hours before any of us were able to rest. The next day I was sent to the hospital to have my cast removed. After removing the cast, they gave me a steroid shot and some pain meds, and sent me back to work. It was an amazing time in history, and to this day, I've never seen the footage. I can't imagine what those days must have been like here in the states. In Germany we were kept busy, there was so much going on and so much to do, it left little time to slow down and think of the ramifications of what had happened. Life just seemed to stand still. Within a month, help arrived, units from Chicago came to help pull guard duty. We were able to resume our previous duties but life never went back to normal. I was so angry with him. I didn't understand him, or his religion. This religion of hate. His willingness to kill.

And then I met a Muslim. And she wasn't angry. She wasn't packing heat, waiting for the next White Christian American to happen along. She was funny. She was kind and beautiful. Full of life. Full of willingness. She was able to debunk so much of my fear. She asked if I was willing to blow up an abortion clinic in the name of God. Of course I wasn' the same way she wasn't willing to fly a plane into the next sky scraper. Horrible things have been done in the name of religion and I have struggled to separate the act from the religion. A little research has shown me that the Muslim religion (as a whole) does not advocate violence and murder, they are peaceful (for the most part) and like any other religion or large group of people they have a few bad apples, a few extremists and they're the ones drawing the most attention. I do not fear Muslims, I fear Muslim Extremists, just as I fear Christian Extremists.

I worry for the hate this will stir up, the retaliations.

I am sad for this man....these men. These extremists who are have so much hate in them. I pray for their souls. I know that God would love to be able to take them home with him.

Biopsy Tomorrow

This week is crazy! Everyone has something big happening at different times in different cities.

Monday (today) I have to work all day and then this evening I'll go to Otterbein where our office is being presented with an award for our service to their clients (really cool since I'm the only one that goes over there)

Tuesday I'll work till noon-ish, then finish packing and getting ready to go, get my Mom, go to my Dr appt (biopsy - - there's a 2nd spot being looked at on my opposite ankle) then take Ryan to Rebecca, the twins will go home with the H family who will get them to their ball game, Todd has his math and german finals tomorrow and will pick everyone up when he's done. I will leave after taking Ryan to Rebecca for Independence (Cleveland) until Friday afternoon.

Wednesday the boys have church

Thursday is the Mothers Day Tea at the boys school...Todd will bring Mom and Grandma Sweet in for it, Mom will go with Lane Michael and Grandma Sweet with Ethan, then they have another ball game that evening

Friday I'll get home and we might hang with the H family

Saturday Todd works

Sunday is Mothers Day

Are you tired yet? I am!