Thursday, March 27, 2008

Feeling Better...

I am feeling better today! Things are getting better for all involved! A lot of it might have something to do with the beautiful flowers my good friend Sarah sent me (thank you!), some of it might have something to do with eating artichokes last night (YUM!) and some of it might have to do with the NEGATIVE pregnancy test I took last night....but mostly it's because my dad finally had a GOOD night! He was even feeling well enough to hold baby Sanoi! He still hurts but he's healthier! They found an infection yesterday and had to put a drain worked and today his body is less poisoned! And my Grandma Sweet is being moved to a really good nursing home's close to my work/home and I can visit lots and lots! Probably on my lunch for the most part, and lots of my family live close to Wapak, so we'll all be able to visit more often...I will not be able to visit today though because I have to buy my manicotti ingredients becuase last night it was decided that we would have a Schwieterman Family Fun Night at my house...I still don't have all the Easter mess cleaned up! Oops! LOL! At least Todd will be home tonight to help! He's so good to me!

In other news...My mom said something strange yesterday! She laughed when I said I was nauseous and said that my next set of twins would be even more different than the set I have now because they wouldn't even be biologically related...she didn't say we should stop the adoption....I thought she would be against having 2 more because we're so busy as it is...I wouldn't though be upset if we adopted 2....only because there will be about 4-6 years between the boys and Baby...that's a lot of age difference and it makes it hard for them to have anything in common with each other...on the other hand, 4 is A LOT of kids to keep up with, especially when one is Diabetic and we have no idea what Baby will bring...I've never had one baby...I'm not sure what to do with I'm excited to experience this...I'm really excited to watch the boys be big brothers! They're so excited about a little sister and they're getting to the age where they want to help and they're ready to not be my babies any more! Although Ethan says he'll always be my baby...Lane says 'well when I was a child, I wanted to be your baby, but now that I'm not a child, I don't want to be a baby.' LOL! It's funny to watch them grow at such different paces! I never thought being a mommy would be this much fun...and this HARD!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


I have nothing to anyone. I can listen to what you're saying and if I catch it I may respond...but I really just feel empty. I have no desire to talk...or listen for that matter. I just want to sleep....or not. My dad has given up. He said he's done. I'm ok with that, so I don't know why I feel this way. Could it be that I might be pregnant. I bought the test but haven't taken it. I have a head ache all the time, I'm nauseous all the time, and I just Will my second set of twins be biologically related? Why can't I just do things normal....I don't want to do this in a big way. I've never done anything the normal way. When I left home, I went to Germany, when I got pregnant I had twins, when I married, I eloped right before he left for Iraq. I've never done anything in a small's always a production. My aunt Luann and my sister always say that life changed forever when I came home...I didn't mean to change's just how it happened. So if I am pregnant...what does that mean? Am I excited? Yes. Am I ready to be pregnant again? NO! Do I even think that I am? No, probably not. I'll keep you posted...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Happy Easter

Please know that Jesus died for me. I am a sinner. Every nail that was brutally forced through layers of skin, every drop of blood that fell, every tear shed, was for me. For sinners like me. For every soul willing to accept Jesus as their savior. He wept and hurt, he was betrayed and senselessly killed...all for the sinners...but even the power of man...of all men, can't keep Jesus down because 3 days later, Jesus rose into Heaven and now sits beside God, looking down lovingly saying "forgive them Father for they know not what they do"

Easter was particularly interesting this year. On Saturday, DH and I took the boys to an Easter Egg Hunt at the church (lots of fun and lots of eggs). Well at about 11 o'clock, my mom called Todd's phone and needed to talk to me, something was wrong with Grandma Sweet. Aunt Landa was taking her to the ER. After that, we went home and DH went to work at my great aunt's house. When I got home I realized I didn't have a house key so I took the boys to McD's for lunch...a good friend of mine just happened to have her family there, so we decided we would have an afternoon playdate until Todd was done working. Just as we were packing the kids into her car (they all wanted to ride together) Todd comes running in, something was SERIOUSLY wrong with grandma! So I gave Laura a crash course on diabetes thanked her, and headed to the hospital. Upon arrival we hear that we were so close to losing grandma that the social worker was calling the family in, but that after a few minutes/hours of treatments from several doctors, she had pulled through. Well last night at Bible study, B approached me and said
B: how was your weekend?
me: Horrible...maybe the worst so far...
B: I know...Saturday noon thru 5 o clock
me: yeah....were we on prayer chain?
B: I had the over whelming urge to call you, but thought you'd think me crazy, so I prayed for you, ten minutes later I got the same urge to pray....I ended up spending 5 hours praying for your family and at 5 o'clock I felt you were out of the woods.
me: I left the hospital at 5 on Saturday...(told the above story) THANK YOU!

B has only known me for a year or so but obviously has known God for a vey long time. God does not work in mysterious ways!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Wait Hasn't Even Started!

I have good friends...really good friends, that are always there for me. One of those really good friends asks really insensitive questions...she's usually very diplomatic and careful with what she says so these questions always catch me off guard. I'm an open book, I live my life very openly, if I haven't already told you what you want to know about me...ask, I'll tell you because that's what I poor children have NO secrets. So I'm also not it also catches me off guard that I'm holding onto these questions as insensitive. When Lane Michael was diagnosed with diabetes (type 1) my friend said 'he doesn't look over weight to me.' And I think I've a few people say things about just taking away all the candy and soda that I give him...these don't bother me...first of all my kids were never given candy, soda and sweets....second of all people just aren't informed about type 1 diabetes...I didn't do anything to bring this on....if I did his twin brother would have it too. So a few weeks ago I told my friend that we were pretty much done with the licensing and that we would be licensed within a month. She said to me 'do you have a baby picked out yet?' Once again, not terribly insensitive...just not an informed question...I guess I just expected more of her, as much as we talk and are together...just for reference people, we don't get to go to the orphange and pick a baby...not how it works! There is no Cabbage Patch nursery...there isn't even an online store, with babies just sitting in a wear house waiting to be ordered. And we haven't been our waiting hasn't even begun. But I'm ok with that! Because at home I have these to amazing and beautiful and fun little boys that I get to appreciate as my only children until we are called to come pick up our daughter...who will need lots of loving which will take away some of the time I spend loving on the boys now. But they're as excited about this as we are...I just hope they know what we're in for...then again, do I know what we're in for!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Busy Busy Busy

Someday I will have to face that this is our normal. Todd's grandpa died this weekend. He was old and ready and had been on hospice for a very long time! So when we got the call that he had passed on Thursday of last week, we weren't surprised, but still sad. After many long debates as how to handle this, we decided that Todd would take Lane and Ethan to Missouri and I would stay behind, work, and get ready for Easter which is at my house this year. We have annual dinner Thursday night, so I'll have to find decorations for that, and try very hard to have my house (which is infested with many many baby to be items) ready for a bazillion people...this sounds very negative but the truth is I truly enjoy hosting the family! The kids can relax at my house and just play and be kids because it's a kid friendly house and not everyone has a kid friendly house...or a place for the kids to even go! So my house makes sense and the only problem is that my g-ma can't really do stairs yet and my only two bathrooms are on the second floor or in the basement. I'm sure we'll figure it out but she' so weak right now...hmmm...this could be a dilemma!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Goals are good...

I have two goals in my financial life. I would like to pay off all debt (excluding the mortgage), living a debt free life and I would like to have 6 months pay saved in case of emergency. There is history behind these husband is daring...very daring, so the summer my boys were 2, he wanted to fix the rope swing in my parents front yard. one of the ropes had snapped near the tree branch and Todd was going to re-attach it. So he got his trusty gloves out, and (mind you we own three ladders) climbed the other rope. He got to the top of the rope and reached for a tree branch to pull himself up with, this tree branch broke...he fell...18 feet! He sat up and first words out of his mouth 'I didn't break anything!' YEAH RIGHT! He broke his wrist, his hip and his pelvic bone IN TWO PLACES!!! So my fear is that my daring husband will do something else that is daring and get himself into a bind...So in my attempt to save money and pay off debt...I would like to start with medical bills and credit cards. At the drop of a hat my family could live off of one income or the other. If one of us stops working, we will pull the boys from daycare (leave them in pre-K), turn off our cell phones, and cable, reduce our vehicle insurance and change our lifestyle...but it would be nice if we didn't have to panic. I don't feel it necessary to tell how much our income is but I'm also I save 6 months of income or 6 months of bills. My husband and I are on two TOTALLY different financial fields...which is why I do all the finances! I make all decisions...I'm kind of controlling...only because (I love my husband but...) I make better decisions than he does...but he knows it and is man enough to relinquish control...I do make sure that his wants are met...he got his ATV last month and it was something he's been wanting for a VERY long time! So I'm not just the money Nazi...although it would be nice if I could have that kind of strictness. Hmmm...that's a thought...Money Nazi...I could get used to that! lol

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Deciding to Adopt

Back in October, Todd met a young woman who was pregnant with a baby girl due December 17Th...he and I had talked a lot about adoption in the past and this seemed like turned out to be our first failed adoption. Alicia couldn't handle the baby living so close...we understood but it got us talking about adoption again. It opened a door, and we decided to do some research. Shortly after that we found out that I had a problem with my thyroid resulting in my thyroid being removed. Hypothyroidism raises the risk of miscarriage, still birth (and if you make it past those) mental retardation. We aren't really willing to take those kinds of chances so we decided we would adopt. We had always wanted a girl and had always been blessed with boys so we decided we wanted a girl. I did the research and to break it down there are three categories of adoption.


The first is Domestic. Domestic is where a couple makes up a life book, picks an agency or agencies and after completing their home study waits for a birth mom to pick them to be the parents of her child. The adoptive parents pay for their lawyer, her lawyer, her hospital bills, and lost wages. At the end of all of this, if she keeps the baby, the parents go back on the waiting list. Now this is a good option for people who need the newborn experience and are willing to wait/pay for it...worth every moment and every penny! But for us it wasn't the best option, Lane's medical bills are extensive and I know in my heart that there are enough homes for all children placed for domestic adoption...people are competing for those babies...and they should, but for us, it just didn't feel right.

Then there is International. International adoption is when the couple chooses the country they want to adopt from, goes through the home study process, jumps through some hoops, gets the dossier, and waits to be matched. At any time the country of choice can (and has been known to) close all adoptions from the country for an unknown period of time, no matter where you are in the process. I'm not willing to take that chance, and besides, we have children in our own country...our own backyard in need of good loving these are the children I will concentrate on.

Last is Foster to Adopt. This is probably the least traveled path. There are classes to take, and a home study to complete, and hoops to jump through, but... These are the children who have been abused or neglected in some way to the point that they have been permanently removed from their home and their parents' rights have been terminated. These children are in some way screwed up. They are drug exposed, or abused or left for hours unattended, unloved. Their Mommies, Daddies and family have in some form failed them. We rip them from their home and place them with strangers, people they don't know, people who are relentlessly smiling at them. They are told to trust these people...they have never trusted so to trust is a foreign concept for them. They are the children someone has attempted to ruin. They have never been loved, in a consistent, healthy way. And someday, one of these children will be my child. I don't expect this to be easy or pleasant, I expect bumps in the road, I expect this child to have emotional baggage that I can't imagine carrying. But I will unconditionally love this child. She will be creative and passionate and will march to her own drum, She will hate me sometimes, but will underneath know that she is loved and safe, because I don't ever plan on letting her forget that. She is worth the effort, all children are. She is worth the time and the hoops, she's worth fighting for. She's worth advocating for, the tears I have and will shed for her, the longing, the patience, the baggage, the money, the heartache. She's worth my time, my efforts and my love.
My family has never once said to me 'this is too much' they have supported me from day one, they have said that this is the right route for us. And they support us. They have asked for updates, and have been excited with us. They have helped us get ready and learned a lot about adoption. I thank them because so many families aren't as supportive, other adoptive parents face tension, and misunderstandings. People ask them why they would want someone else's problems, why they don't just have a baby (even those facing infertility). This isn't an infertility issue for us, so I expected to face people who say to just have our own. But it's not about that. It's about that little girl, (I will have a daughter), it's about loving someone, you can't have too much love. It's not possible. I had the pregnancy experience, and I appreciate that I was able to connect to three other human beings in a way that only pregnancy can allow, I've experienced a loss and a grief that is unimaginable to most, and now I'm ready to experience adding to my family in an unconventional way. I will have a different experience with Baby Girl, I will have different memories, and whether her bio-family is around or not, no matter the situation, they will love her. We all do.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Tell All Kind of Girl...

To my Grandma Sweets dismay my mom has always been a tell all kind of girl...making me a tell all kind of mom never kept anything from us. My brother and I knew everything! From the details of my Dad's divorce to the details of the abuse she endured during her first marriage...we knew it all. So without consulting this way of life with my husband I became a tell all with my children from a very early age. So when Braden died last year, they were too old to not tell but too young to understand everything. These past few months the boys have started wondering more and more about the death of their much coveted brother. They don't understand why the baby we adopt will not die when ours did. They never saw him, they saw pictures but they never saw him in flesh. So the other morning I was trying to explain to my sweet men that we can talk about Braden at our house and in our car, with us but please please please don't talk about this with your friends...I wasn't even out of the preschool before I could overhear Lane telling his best little confidant that we had a baby but he died...ok, I'm not frustrated, I'm just out of answers. Obviously I'm not saying what they need to hear...Lane talks about Braden a lot, he'll wake up talking about a dream he had where Braden came to him and told him he loves him and will see him in Heaven. Ethan cries...a lot, for Braden. He's not a cryer so a large portion of the tears he sheds are for baby Braden. So to therapy we go! I hope that this therapist who specializes in childrens greif will be able to say something to help them through this season of confusion. I think the boys finding the picture was bad. I would never hide anything from my children, but I do want to protect them from certain things in thier/our life...this is one of them. Braden was dead 2 days before I delivered him and so when he was born he was starting to decompose...sorry if graphic...he was beautiful but he isn't for all eyes...

Monday, March 10, 2008

Much Needed Blessings!

PRAYERS PAY OFF!! Friday...three days ago...yep, Friday the doctor said to my mom "it's time we start talking about hospice" So on Friday my dad was admitted into the hospital...he had 7 visitors...he had no idea there was anyone in the room...he wasn't conscious enough to know...Saturday was worse...but we got the CT scan results back and THE CANCER IS SHRINKING! Significant difference! They also found the infection he two infections! They started treating those and on Sunday...he's up, talking, laughing, pulling my five year olds into his bed to watch cartoons and looks different! BETTER! They said that this may be a bit of the turn around we've been waiting for! They said he has a problem that may need surgery and if he needs surgery then he will have to come off chemo for a minute but he can go back on and if he doesn't need surgery then they can treat the infections and keep him on chemo! Either way the TUMORS ARE SHRINKING! proof positive that prayer does work!!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Shopping list

I'm trying to occupy my mind with anything that isn't the health (poor or otherwise) of my loved ones. So I'm writing up a shopping list...Kohls is having a HUGE sale this Saturday and I'm taking the boys to sumemr clothes smart or stupid as this is, they need new summer clothes...So I'm trying to visualize how our summer will go and the things we're going to's what we have, they each need:
swim trunks
5 pairs of jean shorts
1-2 pairs of khaki shorts
1 sports outfit (soccer)
3 new t-shirts
2 button up shirts
3 polos
new tennis shoes

does it make me a dork that I hate it when my kids wear printed t-shirts...I like polos and button-ups...I'm buying t-shirts because sometimes their dad might dress them and as he hates button ups and polos for them, he will go buy shirts to keep them from wearing the others...we have very different ideas of what our 5 year olds should expectations are no where near age appropriate...but they are so darn cute and if they get ruined it's ok because they are just clothes! I should relax...

Urgent Prayer Request

My Father is being admitted into the hospital today. I've known this was coming for sometime and it's just so that he can get some nutrition. But the prayer request is kind of for my Pastor too...we need an opening in conversation to give my Dad the opportunity to be saved. We know that he believes and that he was raised in an actively attending family but we don't know that he's ever been saved!

My brother also started out this morning on a trip to Ohio from New York, he's flying and will get here about 10 tonight...please pray for travel mercies for him.

Please pray with me.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

More Test Results!

The Doctors office just called me and Ethan's bone age is some where between 4 years 6 months and 5 years....he is 5 years and 1 month....HE'S GOOD!!! The thyroid scan is good and the only thing left to do is have his potassium level checked again in a month! YIPPEE we're in the clear! I'm so excited and it was some much needed good news! After everything that's been going on!

Last night my mom told me that my dad's doctor asked him if he's ready to come off treatments. He said that he's much worse and the treatments are just making him sick. My mom is checking today to see if she can get him admitted into the hospital for some fluids and nutrients. He's never awake enough to eat and he's SO dehydrated!

My Grandma Sweet is doing good...or at least decent! Which is better than what it could be!

I know that sometimes my blog sounds like it's all doom and gloom but I tell everyone, this is not my normal family! Normally we're quiet and healthy and this is not us. Everything changed when Lane was diagnosed and I trust that the Lord will set everything right again! Someone said to me that in my family 'when it rains, it pours' but I promise we have never been through anything like this! NEVER! We're being tested and oh what a test! But not once have I doubted God and his love for me and my family, I have seldom asked him why trusting that there was a purpose. If God gave Lane diabetes so that someday he doesn't go to the military and get killed by enemy fire...well then, it's a good diagnosis. If Braden died so that he wasn't miserable his whole life, well then he's happier there then we could have ever made him here...and he never suffered! You get my point...when you take a step back and analyze what's really happening here we are a blessed family. Everyone goes through something's just our turn but God is taking care of us! He will NOT fail my family

"Joshua, no one will be able to defeat you as long as you live. I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will always be with you; I will never abandon you." Joshua 1:5

Monday, March 3, 2008

nothin to say...

This feels like the day that refuses to end...I'm tired. Last night my sister finally called me after like 3 days of not having time to talk. She has a new baby (still in the NICU), three older boys and just went back to work...needless to say she's tight on time. So We finally got a chance to talk last 10:00, I was up at 4:30 to get Ethan to his bone scan by 6. So we got there and the paperwork wasn't filled out by the dr. right and so we couldn't do all of the we did the test that we could do (bone age scan) and at 7:30 headed back to Wapak for work. Over my lunch hour we had Kindergarten round up today, so I got that done, well because they didn't have all the info this morning, Ethan Lane and I will go to the hospital tonight after I get off work to finish the testing, after that we'll run to my parents house to have supper with them. I'll leave the boys there while I go to Bible study, head back to my parents house to get the boys, make the 20 minute trek home and finally my day will end. I'm exhausted and just want this day to take mercy on me and my headache. I'm not even sure why I have a hair isn't too long (the normal cause for my headaches) and I don't think I'm dehydrated, though always an option I guess. I would like to lay my head on my desk...just 10 more minutes Boss Man just 10 more minutes.

Saturday, March 1, 2008


We are to speak!! We finished our last class this week and all of our paper work is turned into our caseworker! YIPPEE for being done! I was a little nervous today about the class just because this is the last leg of the race...and we are FINISHED!! WOOHOO!! And now the dreaded wait begins! We have no clue how long we'll wait. A couple of the people in our class have already been matched and already have the kids which makes me hopeful...but we're asking for younger children where they weren't as picky! They were taking either gender and anyone under 8 or 12 or whatever...we want someone that's under 12 months and we only want a girl so that means we'll probably wait longer for her! But as an added bonus I went to Goodwill today and got a $20 sleep sack for $1.50!! YEAH GOOD DEALS! I'm going to have to have some because I love them but if I can get them for cheaper, that will make my life easier...I'm so relieved to be done with the classes but I'm also going to miss all of the friends we made...It was really good to connect with people who are going through all of the same emotions and all of the same walks in life.