What Will I Feel?

How will it feel to hold a new baby that isn't Braden? A baby that will scream at me because I'm the Mom...a baby who will sleep in Braden's room, a baby who will fill Braden's spot at the dinner table...people have often said that "this isn't you replacing Braden" yes it is. I'm not having a 4th baby because I want 4 children, I wouldn't be pregnant right now if I had a 2 1/2 yr old sitting in my living room wrestling with his brothers...I'd have a complete family. I wouldn't have to search my dreams for that red-headed, freckle faced boy. I wouldn't have to hope that this is a girl so that I don't compare, and see Braden in the babies every move. I wouldn't have to tell Todd that we can't name Baby AC Holden because I already call AC Braden from time to time, especially when we can't get him/her to move for hours on end. But again, will I be sad that my "middle child" isn't here to kiss the baby...will I stop searching for Braden in the Vacation Bible School Program? Will there still be a space in family photos where Braden should be wiggling (at this age)....and when my friends little guys go to school, will I look for Braden to get off the bus after school with his big brothers? Or will life feel normal at last? Not that I'll ever forget him but sometimes I wish we weren't that family....I wish we didn't have 3 pregnancies to compare...not that I would wish Braden away but the stigma...the hurt....but mostly the sympathy and awkward silences that go along with people realizing we have a sweet baby boy waiting for us in Heaven. We don't feel awkward about talking about Braden or how much we miss him, we don't feel awkward when the boys have questions or when our friends wring their hands and ask questions. We feel awkward when other people feel awkward. Ethan has already started being a little jealous of the baby....but he'll always have a place...where is Braden's place after this? Yesterday we were unpacking bottles that came from my cousins house, and Todd mentioned bringing down the other bottles to sterilize them this week....and my first thought "don't open them before the baby comes home in case we have to return them"....followed by a rush of guilt and even more embarrassment. I haven't thought much about this babies survival....I think out of self-preservation but sometimes it sneaks up on me and for just a split second let my guard down. In those few seconds I always feel a sense of removal from the baby, from Braden and from reality. The reality of the situation is that we will probably bring a baby home this time...a happy baby, who we've waited a very long time for...a baby we want very badly...but that's only a probably.