Tuesday, December 22, 2009

What do you say?

A friend died.
She was a good friend in HS.
We graduated together.
We lost touch.
Life changed.
What do you say to her Mom at the funeral?
I asked how she was...then said nevermind.
Her husband seemed like he was in shock.
Her children weren't there.
Her brothers seemed like they were in shock.
I can only hope her Dad was in shock.
He joked with people.
I found it inappropriate, but will give the benefit of the doubt.
A few months back she was given 12-18 months to live.
Then last Saturday (12/12/09) she was given a week.
She died on Thursday.
Her children are 4 years old and 8 years old.
Little girls.
How does her husband explain something he probably doesn't understand.
This scares me.
It brings death to a very real point for me.
I don't want to make it all about me but I can't help but relate.
I can't help but think, we aren't so different, Nicki and I.
We were born just 2 1/2 months apart.
Our children are comparable ages.
I had nodules on my thyroid that was suspected tumors.
My nodules and her first bout with cancer happened within months of each other.
So why her?
Why not me?
So I have decided to write my boys a letter...each.
Maybe more than one.
One for graduation.
One for wedding day.
One for drivers license.
One for dating.
One for first baby.
One for hard times.
One for 18th b-day.
One for 21st b-day.
One for college graduation.
One for first job.
I know it sounds like a lot.
Not compared to what a living Mom would offer.
I have friends and family that would really step up for them.
There are things I want them to know.
Things I want them to hear from me.
Things I want them to know were important enough to me to write down.
Todd doesn't believe in this.
He thinks you're jinxing yourself.
I've said good-bye to 2 classmates in 3 weeks.
I'm scared.
I'm not afraid of dying...just afraid of not raising my children.
Wish me luck.
This will be one of the hardest things I've ever done.


Sarah said...

I wish I had some comforting words to say here, but I don't. My mind just doesn't work when it comes to processing this. The only silver lining that I can come up with is she isn't in pain any longer. Maybe God used her to show all of us how life is so precious and short. I know there was a reason for her going, but I don't know what.