Still on My Heart

I'm not sentimental. I grew up in a family of hoarders, and so I don't keep anything. I fear this disease. When my house is cluttered I go crazy in my head, I have to remind myself that we have 3 boys who have stuff and just because I fear this doesn't mean that my family does. But it's my fear, and I cling to it. I'm also afraid that if I let my guard down that I will begin to collect stuff. I will fill my spare basement room and attic first. Then slowly I will fill the closets, then the spare bedroom and then my room. At any rate, I will have stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. This is not how I want to live my life. So I choose to not be sentimental about anything. I have kept some of my kids keepsakes...they each have one box of stuff from when they were babies. A special onsie, a special toy or book, and other random things that have a story behind them. But what does hold a certain sentimentality is the house I grew up in. It was built in 1979. My Mom laid the concrete slab, and worked side by side with my Grandpa to build this house. She was pregnant with my brother when she laid the concrete. It was the last house she built. My Grandpa only lived another 7 years after her house was built. He died when I was 2 years old, I have no memories of him but I think I would have liked him. He was funny and loving and drew people to him. I'm told he's the kind of guy you wanted to be liked by. So this house holds a lot of sentimental value for me. It's where I grew up, it's where my kids spent a lot of their first 3 years and it's close to the cemetery where Braden and my Dad are and where Mom Todd and I will be. So when it came up that Mom didn't want to live there forever Todd and I decided we'd like to live there, someday we'll buy it from her. The home was originally a 3 bedroom, 1 bath ranch with an attached garage. But anyone who knew my Dad knew that no wall was safe. My parents remodeled more than any one we know. So they took the garage and made bedrooms for my sisters. But my sisters were grown so when they moved out they took those bedrooms and made a family room and a play room, then a family room and a bedroom, and finally they put the kitchen and living room in there. So the old kitchen and dining room are now storage. Todd and I would like to put a master suite in there and let the boys share the old master bedroom (currently a play room). And that leaves 2 open bedrooms. I will fill those bedrooms with foster children. I don't know that I want to adopt but I do want to foster. I want to fall head over heels with children who are not my own. I feel God working in my heart, teaching me tolerance, teaching me patience and discipline. Teaching me to love the people who will fail to protect children I will love. Todd is on board. We want our children to be significantly older, old enough to understand, old enough to protect themselves and each other from the children who were victims. Old enough to say "no more" when it's becoming too much for them. My family doesn't all agree with this. In fact some have told me things like "well I don't know if I can love a child that isn't white" seriously? I'm offended by that statement, as if I need you to love this child, as if this child chose to be non-white, as if it matters what color they are. Someone else said "just have another bio child and be done with it" seriously? That's not how my heart works. Even if we had another bio baby it wouldn't stop this yearning I have to foster. To essentially sign up to have my heart broken. I have hurt as bad as a person can hurt in losing Braden. And recovered. Maybe God was preparing my heart for this, but at any rate, Fostering is still on my heart. We also decided that even though we will live in one county (a small farming community) we will foster for the neighboring county....there is a larger need in this bigger county, and we are almost guaranteed to have children of all races from this county. So my prayer is that God will work in the hearts of my family. Prepare them for this journey that we will embark on. I also pray that God will work in the hearts of my children preparing them for what is certainly a hard road to travel.

Man was that the most round about post ever!? It took me forever to say "we still plan to foster"