First of Many Good-Byes

Today has started the first of many good-byes for the girls. Their class started Christmas break today which will last through January 5 (starting back January 6th) and they'll be leaving officially January 3rd. Tonight is the last night of AWANA before they leave....they too go on holiday break since Christmas eve and New Years eve are both on Wednesday this year...so tonight they will say good-bye to all their friends at church. Their bio-dad will have them every weekend from now on so they won't be coming to church on Sundays either. How interesting that all during the process to get licensed, there is so much to learn about bringing the kids into your home, adjusting to them, helping them readjust, keeping them safe, helping them grieve, helping them cope, and not one single class on helping them say good-bye to the life they build while in care. Not one class on sending these kids home. Very little support in this leg of the race. maybe support during this time would encourage foster parents to remain in this realm.

First Weekend Visit and Challenges We Didn't Foresee

Weekend Visit: went well, we heard from Bio Dad once, got a random phone call about a small cough and Girlfriend not being on her med (doc took her off because she hadn't been wheezing and had really held her own without the med). We also got pictures of them attempting to visit Santa (he closed before they got through the line). The girls were happy to be home, Little Miss seems pretty excited to go again and is her normal happy go lucky self, hopping through life, letting very little phase her (she is our Ethan), Girlfriend (who is much more like Lane Michael) hasn't taken all this so lightly...she's been quiet, reserved, cuddly, clingy, scared, and sad. My once beautiful outgoing, confident, chatty, independent girl has very much become the same girl who came to live with us 18 months ago, reserved, scared, shy, quiet, (still beautiful) just scared...of everything...getting her shoes, going to bed, going potty...everything. I'm hoping this gets better since we're moving so slow with the transition. I'm just scared for her...that this will be harder to recover from since she's older and still has the scars from last time.

The Challenges we didn't see coming? The girls have made so many new friends...at school, at church and in our circle of friends...last night a friend of ours told her 3 children that the girls would be moving away...but see, these children have never known us without the girls...we have had the girls for the last year and a half...right after we joined our current church...where we met this couple. Their children had no idea that the girls are not our own. The decision to foster is something I will never regret...I refuse to regret our time with our girls....but I won't pretend that it has not had a negative impact on our children, our family and our friends. Saying good-bye to these amazing children, introducing a life style which we'd hoped to sheild our children from (drugs, abuse, prostitution, baby mama drama, dead beat dads - - please excuse my bluntness). I love these girls, and them coming into our lives has been such a blessing but the situation surrounding them is hard. My children are hurting, my friends are hurting, my family is hurting...and I've caused it. My choices have directly hurt the people I love.

All in Perspective

I'm feeling good today. I know there will be rough days ahead but today I'm feeling positive. I haven't cried yet (come close but not yet) and can talk about it openly and positively but last night. last night put them going to live with their dad in perspective. The girls have 2 families loving them, missing them, praying for them, wanting what is best for them, they are healthy, happy, fed, and safe. They're amazing people who I pray will grow to be amazing adults. Now putting it all in perspective:

Todd has a student who was just diagnosed with cancer and most likely will need a hysterectomy.

There is a 6 year old boy from our town (his mom is an acquaintance/friend) he had strep last weekend, it turned into a flesh eating infection and he's in a coma, best case scenario he'll be there for 4 weeks.

I have a friend, a good friend, who is pregnant with her 4th. they're so excited, at their ultrasound recently the tech found her placenta is tearing away and dissolving, they also couldn't see the top of the babies spine and where it closes.

Sending the girls to live with a Dad who loves them, changed for them, worked for them and wants them doesn't seem so bad today. Perspective.

Transition Home Schedule

I recieved an e-mail today from my case worker looking at a schedule to transition Little Miss and Girlfriend home to their bio dad. This week we will send them for an overnight. BD will meet us, we will give him the girls, a bag of clothes and toys (that will stay with him) and the girls. we will then meet the next evening to exchange back. Then for the next few weeks he'll keep them for 3 days at a time. The last time he gets them will be January 1 or so and he'll just keep them after that. something like this:
week one (Dec 1-7) overnight one of those night
week 2 (Dec 8-14) weekend (which is actually 3 days)
week 3 (Dec 15-21) weekend
week 4 (Dec 22-28) weekend
week 5 (Dec 29-Jan 4) weekend and won't return after that

an example of a weekend is Tuesday morning through Thursday afternoon.

I am praying for their safety, for them to be at peace, and for them to know how much we love them. please pray with us.

Rip the Bandaid Off

The girls case worker came out Monday.
The girls are going home.
It's time.
They have no reason to keep them.
He hasn't done anything to lose them and has done everything to get them back (with the exception of a few things).
Maybe before Christmas.
Maybe just after.
And we are left with 3 broken boys.
Broken ourselves.
It's hard to help them understand.
When we ourselves don't understand.
This journey wasn't about us.
It wasn't about the girls.
It was about doing what we felt God was leading us to do.
My Mom said it best.
Little Miss and Girlfriend have brought more joy than this will bring pain.

Falling Star

I'm missing something and God is trying to teach me and I'm dense. I'm not getting whatever it is He's saying! Starting this past summer we've done lots of praying about the girls future. TONS of just God's will and we'll say yes until you say no. and for about a year now we've had 2 Bible verses come up over and over and over to the point that it's no longer mysterious...I almost expect it! It's ALL the time. in 1 week we had a study during the church sermon, a group Bible study, Todd's men's study and my women's study ALL cover Abraham and the sacraficial ram. Then started Elisha and the widow. Both amazing stories of faith and a willingness to sacrifice and both being blessed beyond measure. and inevitably these 2 stories have continued to come up since early summer. So this weekend as we were driving home from the grocery, my best friend (otherwise referred to as my sisterwife) asked what was going on with the girls case. I was telling her that Bio Dad is ready any time to take them home and he's just waiting on his sisters finger prints to come back and everything will be done, he will have clear finger prints, a home, a job, transportation and child care...looks good for them to go anytime. I was talking about that mornings sermon and something said really hit home for me. He said "if every prayer you've said in the last one year came true..." the rest of what he said doesn't matter. 6 months ago I wrote down the 3 basic prayers 1. Todd needed a job 2. the Wapak house and 3. the girls case.
1. Todd HAS a job
2. the Wapak house is occupied until sale which keeps water moving in the pipes, the lawn mowed and oh yah, she's painting the house neutral colors for sale (I say this is an answered prayer)
3. the girls case - - the only prayer not answered in that 6 months but also not over yet

So honestly - seems to me, every prayer has in a way been answered! Later in the sermon he said "challenge God. don't pray for things that will work out anyway. pray for God to move mountains and see what He can do."  I said "Laura am I supposed to be asking God to move mountains?" and at that moment directly in front of us, a falling star. She said "there's your answer"

I don't usually put stock in "signs" because I'm not sure that's how God works but I think my sign is that I'm being heard and my prayers are being answered (even if in the end, God's answer is "no").

Tuesday  I was telling a my Facebook Christian women group about this and I kid you not, one woman responded with "sounds to me like the story of Elisha, the widow and the oil. Show God just how many empty pots you have and watch him fill them up...but also understand His plan might mean they go home." and the NEXT WOMAN to respond said "I agree with it reminding me of Elisha but my first thought was Abraham, surrender them to God, even if that also means surrendering them to their birth dad". I am overwhelmed by how God is working! My faith is being tested but I can say that no matter what the outcome is with the twincesses and even with my own children, my faith is unwaivering. I don't doubt that He could change the outcome, I just wonder if He WILL.

Christmas Budget

Every year I look at what we have to spend and what we need to buy. This year (IF everything works out we should have a total budget of about $1500. We have done well in the last few years (cutting down on what we spend and still being happy with what we get everyone) so I think we'll do about the same as years past. But this year we're ahead of the ball game. We have bought "out of pocket" so to speak a few gifts already, we've purchased one gift for the big boys, 2 gifts for each of the girls and pajamas for all the boys (I bought them on clearance last year but didn't want to buy for the girls and have to deal with the emotions if we didn't have the girls). Which will save us about $600 out of our budget this year.

So I sat down and made a list of those we'll be buying for:
Lane Michael
Ethan
Ryan
Gracie
Macie
Mom
Step Dad            
Grandma Sweet  
Cathy                
John                  
Jen                    
Dina                  
Pace                 
Office Staff 1    
Office Staff 2     
Driver 1            
Driver 2             
Driver 3
Driver 4
Driver 5
Driver 6
Teachers at preschool
Teachers and Aide at elementary

The nice part is that most of these are easily budgeted for (most teachers, aides and drivers will be getting gift cards) I know what I'm getting for my Mom and Step Dad (easy) but the kids. Impossible to budget! IMPOSSIBLE Especially since they aren't giving me complete lists. Ryan and the Twincesses have never chosen a gift so they dont' have a clue HOW to choose something! The big boys big gift is being fixed up and changed right now so I don't know what to expect from this. I just don't know. I don't know what to expect for the girls gowns (being sewn by a local seamstress) what to budget for that. There's just so much up in the air right now.