Moving On

This weekend we had the pleasure of having our girlies. Their Dad is moving to Indiana so it may have been our last visit. We had a great time. Got in lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of snuggles. They've changes, grown, matured...but they haven't changed really...they're personalities shine right through! Stubborn as the day is long! Beautiful inside and out! Saying good-bye was impossible. Girlfriend was...sad. Genuinely sad. Cried, clung to us, screamed for Daddy Todd, wept, clawed at the door. Agonizing. I don't know, going forward if a visit is a good idea for her...maybe out of sight out of mind? I don't know. I worry about them so much. I never want them to think we've "moved on" from them, but we are moving on from fostering. We're closing our home, I'm ready to get rid of baby gear....sell the crib, high chair, car seat, stroller, dresser and toddler beds. and I'm not sad about it...Fostering was good...it was everything I expected it to be, we had the dream situation...but nearly 2 years is too hard. so we're moving on.

Last Visit...Ever...?

Little Miss and Girlfriend are coming to visit this weekend. We were told (by someone other than their father) that he's moving to Indiana. Something about a support system and their older sister. I don't think the older sister being their should make a differnce...he has children here afterall...but my opinion of his moving does not matter to him...or anyone for that matter. We were glorified babysitters. The state, the agency, the caseworkers, the judges can't/won't recognize the bond formed in the nearly 2 years we raised them. They can't know the fundamental changes these babies made in our family! They don't see my children who still cry for the sisters. We weren't supposed to get attached afterall. We knew it was temporary. We knew what we were getting into, afterall. We don't stay in touch with their dad. We stay in touch with a friend of their mom's who gets to see them often. Any updates come through her, so those will stop. Good night I can't wait to see them!

life with 3 kids is not like life with 5 kids

Last night Lane Michael and I were sitting the front seat, car relatively quiet (as it usually is these days) heading to Awana and Lane Michael mentioned the girls being gone. I asked what he thinks of life without the sisters. He was thoughtful for a moment, a tear threatened to form and fall, but it didn't. After a long pause he said 'life certainly is different'. Ethan piped in 'quieter'. I asked if they thought maybe life was easier (because lets be honest, it is easier without 3 year old twins), and Lane Michael answered "easier doesn't mean better mom". and he's right. easier doesn't mean better. quietter doesn't mean better. it just means things are different. In the evenings, there are 3 kids to send to the shower (instead of sending 2 to the shower, showering 2 and 1 playing in the bath to get some peace and quiet from the 2), there are 5 plates to fill at dinner not 7, 1 plate to cut instead of 3, 1 load of laundry each day instead of 2. I can now get my Bible study done, clean the kitchen without "help" and maybe even use the restroom alone. But that also means the sisters aren't chattering all through dinner, "helping" me clean up after, loading the washer "for" me, sitting on the tub talking to me while I try to (discreetly) use the potty, following me through the house playing with every toy I try to put away. There are no doll babies, no pink blankies, no pony-tails to fix, no sweet girl snuggles (makes me truly appreciate my boy snuggles), no one interupting Ryan as he tries to pray (every single night). quieter, easier, calmer is not better. it's just different.

Respite Care

We had a respite placement this weekend...it's 2 of the 3 babies we were supposed to have a few weeks back (they never showed becuase their foster momma got sick), anyway we had Little Dude and Princess from Saturday afternoon until Monday morning. So much fun! I forget how much work toddlers are! Little Dude is mobile and is a go-go-go-er...the only time he sat still was meal time and bedtime! I love it because he's capable of going and eating normal foods! These babies are true miracle babies! What I did learn from this experience though is 1. we got VERY lucky with our girls (healthy, twins, no trauma and minimal neglect) 2. it's easier to send home 2 (there is a level of protection and they go together so not everything is changing) 3. 4 is our limit...5 pushes us out of our comfort zone...we will stop at 4.

This foster momma is doing an amazing job! As active as Little Dude is, he listened so well, did as he was told, ate veggies and fruit like it was going out of style and laid down awake and went to sleep without any fuss. Princess isn't terribly mobile so we didn't have to tell her to do anything but she too ate and slept like a champ! Their momma is certainly doing something right!

Dipping a TOE Back In

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment and after signing in, I found myself a seat and pulled out my phone to kill the time until they called me back. I had missed a call. From CPS. I immediately panicked "are Little Miss and Girlfriend OK?!" Listened to the voicemail. Would we take a respite placement? 3 babies Friday through Sunday. two 1 year olds and an 8 month old. A baby fix if you will. I called Todd before calling the agency. No answer. I texted him and he couldn't call me until later. I called the agency back, they gave me a brief history of each baby and I accepted. I'm excited to hold babies this weekend! I messaged Todd that the agency had called us for respite for 3 babies for the weekend. and that I accepted. He was...shocked. He didn't think this would happen this fast...he thought we'd have more time off before being thrown back in. He's obviously come around to the idea, was just shocked at first. We've figured out sleeping arrangements and now we just wait until Friday.

Our License...what to do? what to do?

Our caseworker Ericka asked us last week what we wanted to do with our license. Our license is pretty open ended as of right now, we would take foster, respite and weekend/emergency placements. I contacted Todd and after lots of talking/praying/soul searching/numbers crunching/schedule considerations we were able to answer her. We have decided that right now we will leave our license open and have gone on the adoption list. So now we are on the list to receive 4 kinds of calls 1. emergency temporary 2. respite care 3. foster care 4. adoption.
We are not looking to accept any placements until at least spring, this is 2 fold. First we want to make sure bio-dad for Girlfriend and Little Miss is going to succeed (we have no doubts but just to be sure we want to be available to them if necessary) and also to give Todd time to get out of this first year of teaching. I'm sure teaching will never be easy but the first year of writing lesson plans, learning what to expect, getting his feet wet is bound to be (like any other job) the most emotionally exhausting. Ideally we'd love to get someone, just like the twincesses, right at the beginning of summer, giving everyone time to bond and readjust before going back to the full schedule of football and school (always our hardest season). Wed' also like to get our 28 hours of training done to maintain our license and avoid a break in our license. We will of course consider, and pray about every call we receive, just at this time we have no intentions of actively seeking placements. We'd have to hear God giving us the resounding green light before accepting a placement but God is not and never has been mysterious in my life. I seek only to please Him and He has plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  So I have NO doubt that I will hear him loud and clear when it's time.

Sent Them on Their Way

January 3rd...quickly becoming my least favorite date. It now represents the day my son died and the day I gave my girls back to their biological father. We had scheduled Sunday night (when we picked them up) to meet Friday the 3rd at 5:30. Thursday evening he called and moved it up...to 11. losing the last 6 hours with them was like a punch in the gut. Everyone who needed to say good-bye, said it Thursday night. Friday morning, we got up, had breakfast, finished packing their things, took some last minute pictures on the fresh fallen snow (in their princess dresses) and headed for Sidney. It was a quiet drive down. A torturous 20 minute wait while we waited for them to arive and excruciating 20 minute good bye. I thought my heart might break. And then, they were just gone. I looked in the back seat and I saw my 3 amazing children. My 3 Muskiteers. no 5 point harness car seats. no sisters. no trace of them having been there. they were just gone.

First of Many Good-Byes

Today has started the first of many good-byes for the girls. Their class started Christmas break today which will last through January 5 (starting back January 6th) and they'll be leaving officially January 3rd. Tonight is the last night of AWANA before they leave....they too go on holiday break since Christmas eve and New Years eve are both on Wednesday this year...so tonight they will say good-bye to all their friends at church. Their bio-dad will have them every weekend from now on so they won't be coming to church on Sundays either. How interesting that all during the process to get licensed, there is so much to learn about bringing the kids into your home, adjusting to them, helping them readjust, keeping them safe, helping them grieve, helping them cope, and not one single class on helping them say good-bye to the life they build while in care. Not one class on sending these kids home. Very little support in this leg of the race. maybe support during this time would encourage foster parents to remain in this realm.

First Weekend Visit and Challenges We Didn't Foresee

Weekend Visit: went well, we heard from Bio Dad once, got a random phone call about a small cough and Girlfriend not being on her med (doc took her off because she hadn't been wheezing and had really held her own without the med). We also got pictures of them attempting to visit Santa (he closed before they got through the line). The girls were happy to be home, Little Miss seems pretty excited to go again and is her normal happy go lucky self, hopping through life, letting very little phase her (she is our Ethan), Girlfriend (who is much more like Lane Michael) hasn't taken all this so lightly...she's been quiet, reserved, cuddly, clingy, scared, and sad. My once beautiful outgoing, confident, chatty, independent girl has very much become the same girl who came to live with us 18 months ago, reserved, scared, shy, quiet, (still beautiful) just scared...of everything...getting her shoes, going to bed, going potty...everything. I'm hoping this gets better since we're moving so slow with the transition. I'm just scared for her...that this will be harder to recover from since she's older and still has the scars from last time.

The Challenges we didn't see coming? The girls have made so many new friends...at school, at church and in our circle of friends...last night a friend of ours told her 3 children that the girls would be moving away...but see, these children have never known us without the girls...we have had the girls for the last year and a half...right after we joined our current church...where we met this couple. Their children had no idea that the girls are not our own. The decision to foster is something I will never regret...I refuse to regret our time with our girls....but I won't pretend that it has not had a negative impact on our children, our family and our friends. Saying good-bye to these amazing children, introducing a life style which we'd hoped to sheild our children from (drugs, abuse, prostitution, baby mama drama, dead beat dads - - please excuse my bluntness). I love these girls, and them coming into our lives has been such a blessing but the situation surrounding them is hard. My children are hurting, my friends are hurting, my family is hurting...and I've caused it. My choices have directly hurt the people I love.

All in Perspective

I'm feeling good today. I know there will be rough days ahead but today I'm feeling positive. I haven't cried yet (come close but not yet) and can talk about it openly and positively but last night. last night put them going to live with their dad in perspective. The girls have 2 families loving them, missing them, praying for them, wanting what is best for them, they are healthy, happy, fed, and safe. They're amazing people who I pray will grow to be amazing adults. Now putting it all in perspective:

Todd has a student who was just diagnosed with cancer and most likely will need a hysterectomy.

There is a 6 year old boy from our town (his mom is an acquaintance/friend) he had strep last weekend, it turned into a flesh eating infection and he's in a coma, best case scenario he'll be there for 4 weeks.

I have a friend, a good friend, who is pregnant with her 4th. they're so excited, at their ultrasound recently the tech found her placenta is tearing away and dissolving, they also couldn't see the top of the babies spine and where it closes.

Sending the girls to live with a Dad who loves them, changed for them, worked for them and wants them doesn't seem so bad today. Perspective.

Transition Home Schedule

I recieved an e-mail today from my case worker looking at a schedule to transition Little Miss and Girlfriend home to their bio dad. This week we will send them for an overnight. BD will meet us, we will give him the girls, a bag of clothes and toys (that will stay with him) and the girls. we will then meet the next evening to exchange back. Then for the next few weeks he'll keep them for 3 days at a time. The last time he gets them will be January 1 or so and he'll just keep them after that. something like this:
week one (Dec 1-7) overnight one of those night
week 2 (Dec 8-14) weekend (which is actually 3 days)
week 3 (Dec 15-21) weekend
week 4 (Dec 22-28) weekend
week 5 (Dec 29-Jan 4) weekend and won't return after that

an example of a weekend is Tuesday morning through Thursday afternoon.

I am praying for their safety, for them to be at peace, and for them to know how much we love them. please pray with us.

Rip the Bandaid Off

The girls case worker came out Monday.
The girls are going home.
It's time.
They have no reason to keep them.
He hasn't done anything to lose them and has done everything to get them back (with the exception of a few things).
Maybe before Christmas.
Maybe just after.
And we are left with 3 broken boys.
Broken ourselves.
It's hard to help them understand.
When we ourselves don't understand.
This journey wasn't about us.
It wasn't about the girls.
It was about doing what we felt God was leading us to do.
My Mom said it best.
Little Miss and Girlfriend have brought more joy than this will bring pain.

Falling Star

I'm missing something and God is trying to teach me and I'm dense. I'm not getting whatever it is He's saying! Starting this past summer we've done lots of praying about the girls future. TONS of just God's will and we'll say yes until you say no. and for about a year now we've had 2 Bible verses come up over and over and over to the point that it's no longer mysterious...I almost expect it! It's ALL the time. in 1 week we had a study during the church sermon, a group Bible study, Todd's men's study and my women's study ALL cover Abraham and the sacraficial ram. Then started Elisha and the widow. Both amazing stories of faith and a willingness to sacrifice and both being blessed beyond measure. and inevitably these 2 stories have continued to come up since early summer. So this weekend as we were driving home from the grocery, my best friend (otherwise referred to as my sisterwife) asked what was going on with the girls case. I was telling her that Bio Dad is ready any time to take them home and he's just waiting on his sisters finger prints to come back and everything will be done, he will have clear finger prints, a home, a job, transportation and child care...looks good for them to go anytime. I was talking about that mornings sermon and something said really hit home for me. He said "if every prayer you've said in the last one year came true..." the rest of what he said doesn't matter. 6 months ago I wrote down the 3 basic prayers 1. Todd needed a job 2. the Wapak house and 3. the girls case.
1. Todd HAS a job
2. the Wapak house is occupied until sale which keeps water moving in the pipes, the lawn mowed and oh yah, she's painting the house neutral colors for sale (I say this is an answered prayer)
3. the girls case - - the only prayer not answered in that 6 months but also not over yet

So honestly - seems to me, every prayer has in a way been answered! Later in the sermon he said "challenge God. don't pray for things that will work out anyway. pray for God to move mountains and see what He can do."  I said "Laura am I supposed to be asking God to move mountains?" and at that moment directly in front of us, a falling star. She said "there's your answer"

I don't usually put stock in "signs" because I'm not sure that's how God works but I think my sign is that I'm being heard and my prayers are being answered (even if in the end, God's answer is "no").

Tuesday  I was telling a my Facebook Christian women group about this and I kid you not, one woman responded with "sounds to me like the story of Elisha, the widow and the oil. Show God just how many empty pots you have and watch him fill them up...but also understand His plan might mean they go home." and the NEXT WOMAN to respond said "I agree with it reminding me of Elisha but my first thought was Abraham, surrender them to God, even if that also means surrendering them to their birth dad". I am overwhelmed by how God is working! My faith is being tested but I can say that no matter what the outcome is with the twincesses and even with my own children, my faith is unwaivering. I don't doubt that He could change the outcome, I just wonder if He WILL.

Closing Our Home - - Keeping Our License.

In no way, shape or form do I want my girls, my foster daughters (I have to get used to them not being MY girls so I am using some appropriate language to help remind me that they aren't in fact MINE - - I don't however say foster infront of them - ever) to go live anywhere else. I don't want to give them up, I want them to stay right where they are loved, happy, safe, warm, fed, protected, held accountable. BUT more than that I want what is best for them. If bio dad can pull it together and does get them back and if he is able to provide those things for them (loved, happy, safe, warm, fed, protected, held accountable) then I want him to succeed. Don't get me wrong, we would take them back in a heartbeat if they came back into care! We wouldn't even talk about it first! but what that means, for our girls is that he didn't succeed, he failed and if he fails that means they have not been kept loved, happy, safe, warm, fed, protected or held accountable. We want consistency, and success for the girls. We can see the beginnings of an attachment disorder in Little Miss. She would go with anyone. Especially a man. She loves a man and if he sits still long enough she will end up on his lap! She does it with Todd, my cousins John and Brian, my coworker, and a few men at church. So another move (even if it is back to us) is not what Little Miss needs. I've talked with the CASA and told her that no matter where she goes, who she ends up with I'd recommend attachment therapy. If she was staying with us permanently I'd be in attachment therapy with her. (this is NOT a dig at her bio dad). So honestly, if they have to go to him, I pray he is successful at raising them (not just successful at not getting caught not raising them right).

After the girls do return to bio dad, we will leave our license open for probably a year and stay in touch with the agency after that but we will probably close our home to new placements. This is not my choice but I understand that this is how it has to be. My children have lived lives where no one is consistent, everyone goes away. Everyone who lives close, moves away, my brother moved to Ohio a few years back (2009) and moved away a year later...but when he moved there were hard feelings so there hasn't been an ongoing relationship with him or his kids so he (for them) disappeared. My sister (who we've always been close to) moved away 2 years ago, also (for them) completely disappearing. Another sister (who we used to spend weekends and holidays with, who we babysat for, who we'd get together for dinner with) stopped taking my calls in 2010, disappearing from my kids lives forever. My dad died, Braden died, Pat died, Jason died, Alexis disappeared. And soon enough, so will the sisters. Everyone disappears. I can't continue to bring people into their lives who just disappear. So as much as I believe in what we're doing, as much as I love these little people, and as much as I know there is another little one out there needing a place to go...I can't continue to do this to my family and my husband isn't interested in continuing.

Transitioning Home

Today is the first step in transitioning our girls. our foster daughters home. They have lived with us for 16 months. We adore them. We love them. We are heart broken. We are terrified. We wonder if their father will be successful. Girlfriend, since her bio mom died has developed a stutter. she hadn't stuttered for over a week. Today I told them I'd be picking them up for visit with their father. She immediately started to stutter. Is there  a connection. Little Miss this week peed her pants. twice. Is there a connection?

Yesterday as I was dropping Ryan off for school I asked him what he would think of the sisters living with their dad. He simply said no. I asked if that would be good or bad. he simply said bad. I said if he would be happy or sad. He simply said sad. I was honestly hoping he'd look forward to them going. I was hoping that he hadn't become so attached. Hoping he wouldn't have to lose them too.
I know it'll affect the big boys...I just don't know how deep an impact it'll be. we will see.

I love my girls. I wish my boys weren't being hurt in the process.
I asked Ethan if he thought we should accept more foster children (after an appropriate grieving time) and he is adamant that he'd like for us to be done. Lane Michael is on the fence. Ryan doesn't understand. Todd says he is done. No matter what we will keep our license open on the slim chance the girls come back into care.

This is hard. This is the goal. My girls will lose 2 mommies in less than a year.

Moving Mountains

1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2 If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. 4 Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, 5 Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, 6 Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 7 Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. 8 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. 9 We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. 10 But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. 11 When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good. 12 We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! 13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. Faith Hope and Love Faith that God is working in our lives. Moving our Mountains. Hope that His will is that the girls will stay right where they are Love for the girls, for their sister, for their birth family, for their birth dad, for their mom's best friend but most of all today for their birth mom who passed away. I have said from the beginning that if their mom was able to regain custody that we would support that, that she loves(d) them and that if it happened it was because she had earned it. Since her passing 30 family members have stepped forward to request custody.

Please Pray for our Family

There has been a death, this will affect us directly. Please pray. We are sad, heartbroken, lost, searching for answers, scared and hurt. Please pray. (our 7 person family is physically fine, it was not one of us but it was as close to our 7 as it gets and will affect us all in very big ways). Please just pray!

Potty Training the Twincesses

I posted months ago my plans to potty train. Didn't happen. We were close, then Girlfriend got sick and we were in the process of a temporary move and the next thing you know we're not even close to having either girl potty trained. Now we all know that their daycare won't take non-potty-trained kids in the fall so it was now or never. Time to sh!t or get off the pot (haha). So in a last ditch effort to have them potty trained by fall I took the plunge. No I didn't, I took their diapers away. I just took them away. I gave them 2 evenings in long t-shirts and bare butt. Then I put them in panties. 1 accident from Girlfriend and 2 from Little Miss but yesterday we left the house for the whole day in panties and NO ACCIDENTS! This is why I hate pu!! ups...they just confuse kids...they're just diapers. They are no different than diapers...there are no consequences to peeing in the pu!! up...so why not. Why make the effor to make it to the potty on time. I'm so proud of these girls! To see the progress they've made in just a year is nothing short of amazing! They're smart, funny, loving, good eaters, speak well, polite, non-biting, alphabet singing, potty training, sassy, independent girls and I love them!

Case Update

6 month extension granted – what does that mean for the girls? Nothing. This means nothing. Except that after 1 year of living with us, they will continue for another 6 months. But beyond that, nothing has changed. Their mom at the end of this time will have either worked her plan, or not. Girlfriend (never being called by the last name of Skaggs) has decided she is named Girlfirend Skaggs, their mom corrects her but honestly I’m not too stressed about it. I was telling a friend (in a bit of worry) about it and he said “well, she knows how to get them back and if they didn’t live with you that wouldn’t happen” really opened my eyes. All her complaints/concerns about her girls are now met with a thought of “then get them back” and it’s not to be rude but it allows me to not by too sympathetic to her. She has now started to really get to work on her case plan, making life changes that might allow her to regain custody. She is moving into a women’s shelter which will force sobriety, a job, healthy life choices, etc. but as of right now she hasn’t actually moved, doesn’t have a job, a drivers license…a few other things but she does continue to visit with her girls and that’s good. My Bible study this week was about not wanting or striving for something that God hasn’t intended for us. I’m concerned that God does not intend these girls for us…there are other things going on right now that I’m concerned about right now in this same aspect. Todd has a job interview coming up this Wednesday (is this meant for him) I’m so proud of him for even getting this interview since he never applied for it (they called him). Our home is going on the market this fall, again is this the move we are supposed to make? Are we to sell the Wapak house? All in God’s timing. And you know, I just want to live the life He has ordained to be mine. I don’t want anything that isn’t meant for me (I mean obviously I do on the surface but deep down, I want what is best for me and my family). Anyway, His perfect timing, learning patience and letting go of control.

Going To Court

Our girls were taken into care last May. One year spent in the system. Seems remarkable. Seems notable. Seems like something I should touch on. They came to us less than a month later (fathers day weekend). Seems like a lifetime ago. I think back to who I was and all my new foster parent anxieties (quite similar and so different from normal new parent anxieties). The expectations I had (dashed quickly I might add). I just knew I was going to have a great relationship with their mom and I just knew the girls bond to me would be immediate and strong, I knew I'd be the only one who could comfort their little broken hearts and I would certainly protect them from their abuser. All out the window, quickly. I'm sure there is still so much to learn. I've learned only the first step in the process. There are so many directions in which this could head. What I do know is that we go to court in June, teaching me just one more thing about this roller coaster we're on....and maybe it's not a big deal once we're there...once we know what all it involves...maybe it's really nothing to get worked up over. I just know there's no way I'm missing it!