Happy Birthday B.

Braden,
I still see you.
I hear you at night,
at bedtime, saying your prayers,
saying a sleepy goodnight,
I watch you follow your brothers,
tell you to be gentle with Baby Ryan,
and snuggle you when you slip on the ice.
When the big boys play a game you inevitably kick the pieces and have to sit in time out.
When Ryan cries, you come, eager to "help" with "Wyan."
I miss you being their brother
as much as I miss you being my son.
I miss only the thought of you
as we never got to meet face to face.
I miss what could have been
what should have been.
My "Middle child"
one of my 4 best boys.
Never too beautiful for earth
I don't believe in that sentiment.
I think you had more purpose than that
I don't want you minimized and this sentiment (while meant with wonderful intentions) seems to minimize who you are to us.
I don't believe God took you too soon,
but in perfect timing.
His perfect timing
but that doesn't mean you wouldn't have been a wonderful young man
the other night we were all watching a movie, Lane and Ethan on their bean bags, Ryan up with me on the big couch and Todd on the little one...I couldn't help but see you on your own bean bag, such a big boy and when Ethan whispered "sweet" you looked at him adoringly and whispered "fweet" because in my head, that's how you talk. And that's how I know you. I piece together your brothers at that age, Baby Grant and little Eli Braden, and I create my own personal little you. Which also seems to minimize you....making you less you and more my "perfect" you. I want nothing more or less you...just you.

Two Years Ago My Angel Grew His Wings

I'm sad and I miss my baby. He isn't at the cemetery, so visiting him there does me no good. He's not there. So where do I go to be with him...I have a small Longaberger picture frame, it's beautiful and perfect, it holds all of our pictures of sweet Braden, his measuring tape (recording that he was 20" long), his bassinet ID tag and lock of hair...auburn hair....the hair I dreamed of...a lot! I always said that if Braden was a red head we'd have a full set....Lane had blond hair, Ethan had black and Braden red. A full set. We have a box in the basement, in that box are all of his possessions...the outfit he wore, his blanket more keepsakes from the hospital, the funeral and from family. The outfit has a spot of blood...that spot is so precious to me...I wish it was bigger...a badge of honor, he was real, he had blood, a heart, little hands and his Dad's mouth. How sweet that spot is. Yesterday as I looked thru the pictures I noticed something I had never noticed before. Braden had big feet. This boy my sweet baby had boats at the end of his legs. Maybe my sweet boy would have been tall. They were long and slender...he had big feet. It's a new fact about my baby, something I had never noticed, something that makes me happy...insight into who he would have been...he would have had auburn hair and big feet, maybe been tall.
Happy birthday Braden (1/3/07)

Braden

I was going to post yesterday but I couldn't work let alone concentrate on this. One year ago yesterday my baby boy left me for Heaven. Braden Michael Skaggs was born 1/3/07 weighing 7lbs 4 oz, he had red hair and his dad's mouth. He was beautiful! So last night my family through a birthday party for us. They brought cake and games and a poem my Grandma had written for him...it's wonderful. My family is so good to me. They cried with me and for me and they didn't push me to be ok but allowed me to just be sad! It's hard to find time to just be sad any more. From the beginning we've tried to be very honest with Lane and Ethan, that we weren't going to bring Braden home because he died and went to live in Heaven with God, we won't see him until we go to Heaven...all these answers that may be what they need to hear and may land them in some very expensive therapy...but since we started the adoption process we've been telling them that we'll have another baby but this baby won't grow in my tummy but in some other mommy's tummy, and we'll all love this new baby. Since we opted or a girl we tell them that they're going to have a sister and Lane was always very senistive about Braden but now Ethan will cry that he just wants his baby brother Braden back (say that 5 times fast) and that he doesn't want another baby...especially a girl baby. So we are trying to talk about it less, not that it makes it hurt less but maybe will bring it up less often...my boys are so sensitive to everything we feel that it's hard to show much emotion in front to them. The last time Ethan and I had this conversation he cried so hard and so long that he finally cried himself to sleep, and then when i accidentally woke him up he started crying again...poor guy...he isn't usually this sensitive to anything....

In happier news, we start our adoption classes this weekend! Yippee!! We'll be taking a 6 hour class (1 hour lunch) about an hour south so we'll have to be away from my boys for 9 hours, yuck! But it's really one of the last legs in the first part of the adoption. We should be adoption ready April 1st...I hope to have the nursery done by then! I bought the crib set and now can start to plan the nursery around that! YEAH! I want to do pink and white stripes on the walls with black pin stripes in between! I don't know though...