How is it possible....

I am truly amazed at God's timing. Losing half of our income right before a new baby may seem stressful but actually it hasn't been stressful or hard at all. It's been nice having Todd home with the boys...and we all are enjoying our summer more! We're saving money on daycare and it has pushed Todd to get ready for school...in doing so he's also preparing the boys to go back to school. We looked at our finances and decided that this wasn't financially a bad thing...we looked at our upcoming expenses and found that we have a few big upcoming expenses...the first is of course school supplise...we bought them before Todd stopped working...we weren't really planning ahead, we were just excited....they have new book bags, lunch boxes, glue sticks, crayons, markers, tissues, baby wipes, ziplock bags...you name it, they have it. Another big expense was going to be new school clothes....Ethan needs 4 pairs of jeans, socks, 6 long-sleeved white/gray/black t-shirts to go under his short sleeved shirts that we bought at the start of school but still fit perfectly and a new hoodie, he'll also need a new winter coat, Lane will need 3 pairs of jean, socks, 6 long-sleeved t-shirts, new shoes and a new hoodie....but nothing is pressing and Todd got 2 large checks from his retirement fund for way more than they will need for school clothes. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays...Lane wants to be a vampire this year, Ethan just can't decide and we already have Baby ACs costume...Lane's vampire can easily be made from the batman cape we have...a little white face make up, blood streaming from his mouth, and fake teeth....we're set....as soon as Ethan decides what he wants to be, I can get to work on his costume! And the BIG expense coming up? Christmas! We're lucky to have a medical expense account...I have paid lots of medical bills recently out of pocket that I haven't redeemed the money for, so I'll redeem that money and have nearly $500 for Christmas...which is more than we usually spend...we cut back on Christmas this year and that's helped tremendously! I've started a list to give me an idea of how much we'll need/want to spend this year. And in January we will hopefully be paying off one of our 2 credit cards, which will free up money for the boys birthday...each year we take the boys out to eat and give them $50 to spend on whatever they want...or they can save it for a time when there is something they REALLY want...we encourage saving but don't push it on them at this age...we talk about saving and living with what we have but I don't want to push it down their throats...you know? Anyways, I think sitting down and discussing upcoming expenses and where they'll come from has really helped to reduce the stress of losing Todd's income. Not to mention having a stock pile of diapers is a huge relief!

Why doesn't he sleep?

Last night at bed time everything went as normal, the boys went potty, stripped out of the days clothes, washed up, brushed teeth, said prayers, good night kisses and laid down quietly...and I went to bed in the next room...not another sound was heard (I have good bed goers). So why at 2:30 am was Ethan still awake....and why at 4:30 was he back up...and why won't he sleep past 9:00? Which means that at most he got 6 hours of sleep! WHY ISN'T HE AS EXHAUSTED AS THE REST OF US!?!? I think this is a symptom of ADHD but he's a happy little guy...he has to be sleep deprived though! Lane Michael can and will sleep through anything and when he's tired he goes to bed....he asks to sleep, and loves it....he's our early riser but enjoys an afternoon nap when possible! He'll be the one up with AC...as long as he doesn't try to lift the baby! LOL! The good thing is we'll all be home for the first few weeks to get into a good schedule...the boys are going back to school on September 9th and it seems so soon but hopefully we'll get lots of good time in together before then and hopefully we can find a way to get this boy to sleep!

What Will I Feel?

How will it feel to hold a new baby that isn't Braden? A baby that will scream at me because I'm the Mom...a baby who will sleep in Braden's room, a baby who will fill Braden's spot at the dinner table...people have often said that "this isn't you replacing Braden" yes it is. I'm not having a 4th baby because I want 4 children, I wouldn't be pregnant right now if I had a 2 1/2 yr old sitting in my living room wrestling with his brothers...I'd have a complete family. I wouldn't have to search my dreams for that red-headed, freckle faced boy. I wouldn't have to hope that this is a girl so that I don't compare, and see Braden in the babies every move. I wouldn't have to tell Todd that we can't name Baby AC Holden because I already call AC Braden from time to time, especially when we can't get him/her to move for hours on end. But again, will I be sad that my "middle child" isn't here to kiss the baby...will I stop searching for Braden in the Vacation Bible School Program? Will there still be a space in family photos where Braden should be wiggling (at this age)....and when my friends little guys go to school, will I look for Braden to get off the bus after school with his big brothers? Or will life feel normal at last? Not that I'll ever forget him but sometimes I wish we weren't that family....I wish we didn't have 3 pregnancies to compare...not that I would wish Braden away but the stigma...the hurt....but mostly the sympathy and awkward silences that go along with people realizing we have a sweet baby boy waiting for us in Heaven. We don't feel awkward about talking about Braden or how much we miss him, we don't feel awkward when the boys have questions or when our friends wring their hands and ask questions. We feel awkward when other people feel awkward. Ethan has already started being a little jealous of the baby....but he'll always have a place...where is Braden's place after this? Yesterday we were unpacking bottles that came from my cousins house, and Todd mentioned bringing down the other bottles to sterilize them this week....and my first thought "don't open them before the baby comes home in case we have to return them"....followed by a rush of guilt and even more embarrassment. I haven't thought much about this babies survival....I think out of self-preservation but sometimes it sneaks up on me and for just a split second let my guard down. In those few seconds I always feel a sense of removal from the baby, from Braden and from reality. The reality of the situation is that we will probably bring a baby home this time...a happy baby, who we've waited a very long time for...a baby we want very badly...but that's only a probably.

I take so much for granted...

How easily I have forgotten how fast things can go bad. This week is Bible School and while I'm not involved, my Mom is the director. And as goes tradition, she has all the kids she can pack into the house there for Bible School. She has my niece, my nephew, my boys, 3 cousin's and my nieces friend (who doesn't speak great English since she's Russian)...plus my adult cousin and aunt. Last night at 10:30 we tucked our boys in and headed for home. We had just dozed off when I heard Todd's phone telling him he had a message. I asked him who was messaging him at this hour, he looked at his phone and it was my Mom...Lane's sugar must be off....he called the house and Cathy answered she said "Lane's having a seizure" I can guarantee you've never seen this fat girl move like I did last night! I was dressed and in the car WAY before Todd and really mad that he wasn't waiting on me! We could see the ambulance lights from 2 roads over....there's nothing an ambulance can do for him, they could transport him to the hospital where they'd run some tests, and tell us he had a seizure....which we'd tell them! Lane continued to seize for a total of 40 minutes (his longest yet) but the situation was handled beautifully! His sugar was checked, the kids were contained and cared for but everyone had so much adrenaline at that point that no one slept well after that! It was interesting how he came out of it, he was eating an ice cream bar (to bring his sugar back up) and after he took the last bite, he swallowed, looked at me, smiled and said "Hi Mom" Oh there is nothing like that first "Hi Mom" when you're baby leaves you and finally comes back! The worst part was that he knew we were there but he couldn't see us, he could hear us but couldn't make out what we were saying...in the beginning of the seizure he was screaming "I want my Mom, I want my Dad, but I'll miss my Grandma" then when he could hear us he'd yell "help me help me" and he couldn't understand that there's nothing we could do to help him! That's the worst part! To be standing with him and not be able to reach him. Sorry if I rambled through this, I'm very tired! I can't stress enough how important a family support system is....it has saved our lives! Cathy was with us for the first seizure and immediately knew "the scream" that Lane screams during a seizure, my Mom was able to delegate jobs to people and my aunt and uncle came over to help, my other aunt sat with the kids and watched cartoons, and when it was all over, all the cousins gave Lane Michael a big squeeze....even though he wasn't sure why everyone was looking at him! The human body amazes me! I may add to this later as more details from the evening come back to me...

Winds of Change....

Life is changing, hard and fast changes. Changes that make life....changes that make me trust God. And I do. I trust that God has a plan. That there is a reason Todd was let go from this job. Financially we are fine, making it easier to trust God. We were planning for Todd to quit his job in September when he starts back to school. Every time there has been a job loss, it has worked out for the best. The most recent being Lane Michael's diabetes diagnosis when Todd had to spend 7 days in the PICU with him learning to care for him outside of the hospital. I had just started a new job and was pregnant (5 months pregnant) so I trust that there is a reason for us to start this new chapter early. Whether it was to avoid an accident or because life will change again, I trust God's plan for my life. He started looking for a different job immediately, I asked him not to. I want him to stay home with our kids for the summer, enjoy them, enjoy his time with them, bond with Baby AC and then when he goes back to school, go back energized and ready, relaxed and fresh. And then after a few months of being back, if he can handle a job, then find a job...if he can handle it. Don't jeopardize school performance for a few hundred dollars if we are ok financially.

And today we went to the doctor....she asked when I would be 39 weeks, I told her that August 18th was 39 for me....she said that August 18th sounds like a good day to have a baby, so on Tuesday August 18th at 6:30 am we will check into the hospital and I will leave there not pregnant. The doctor examined me today to see if she thinks Baby AC will "fit" through my bone structure....if you know me, you'll agree that the idea of me NOT being big enough for something is laughable...I have a large bone structure, but she said that while she thinks it's worth a shot, she also thinks it'll be a bit of a struggle, longer harder pushing, some tearing and we still may end up in a c-section....the baby is just that big! Which means I won't get to go natural like I wanted...I don't want to chance not having the epidural and then having to be knocked out if they do a c-section...I'm not willing to miss this just so I can have the experience that I want. That would be selfish and closed minded of me. But the 9 month questions "what is Baby AC?" will be answered in 32 days!

YIKES....oh WOW!

I went for my bio-physical profile today. They were making sure the blood flow through the placenta and umbilical cord was healthy and that Baby AC is developing and growing like he/she should be! So I plopped down in the chair and she readjusted me to a good position, we warned her that we didn't want to know the gender and she began. She started out by measuring the babies head circumference and then she stopped and re-measured....she hesitated and asked "how far along are you?" I'm 34 weeks today....she looked back at the screen and said "Yikes...oh WOW" Todd asked what that meant and she said that we have an over achiever! She then continued to measure the baby and said several more "yikes" and "wow"s Then she showed us on the screen how big they're calculating the baby to be....at 34 weeks the baby is 7 lbs 5 oz! HOLY COW! So she played a little longer, looking at this and that, the baby has both kidneys and a good size stomach (obviously) and was practice breathing! Then she was looking to get a good picture of the babies face but since the baby is face down and STUBBORN as all get out, he/she wouldn't roll over and actually crossed his/her arms over the face (Todd sleeps like that) so no face shots! but we did see LOTS of LONG hair! LOL! Too fun! So everything looks great but maybe a little plus sized! This should be my biggest baby by far! Blood flow through the umbilical cord and placenta was VERY healthy and looked great! Everything is functioning as planned! And we of course have only one to thank for that! So Thank God for BIG miracles! We only have about a month left, lots can happen in that month....I have faith that everything that will happen will be good things!

Nesting...

Nesting is frustrating! It doesn't matter right now how clean the freaking house is because I have 2 six year old boys and a 30 year old man living there and it's going to be a mess again, even if I vacuum and dust and do laundry and it doesn't matter if they mess it up I have this need to clean it again anyways! Or I really want to clean it and can't because there are too many chemicals in too small of a space to clean it....like the bathtub and toilet! I've been using the Lysol wipes on it but really I want to use the 4 in 1 cleaner and get down there and do it right, or what I'd really like to do is clean my kitchen floor with a tooth brush but I think Todd will put his foot down and say no! But he doesn't understand! I can only Lysol wipe the counters SO many times before I start to take the finish off! (do counter tops have a finish) I asked Todd to change clothes last night so I could WASH WHAT HE'S WEARING! I'm insane! I have my hospital bag packed (underpants, comfy coming home outfit for me and baby, toiletries for me and Todd, diapers for the ride home, camera, a nursing gown, and boob pads...I still need to buy a couple of nursing bras but I think I should have everything....yes? think ladies think! what am I missing?) So I've cleaned everything I can and now I'm going nuts! I even took to swimming the last two nights (yes we got a pool) just to keep myself occupied! My mind is racing! I've washed the boys sheets and am waiting to change ours for when our new bed gets put up...which should be any day now (if Todd would just do it)! I also have this desire to shop ALL THE TIME! And for the most random stupid stuff! Like a melon ball er! Yesterday I got all emotional because Todd didn't get home first! Seriously? What is that about? I'm not that girl! I'm not this girl! This clean freak, emotional ball of energy that can't sit still but has pajamas on before supper! UGH! Save me from myself! Please tell me this is normal!