Sometimes it's the little things.

Yesterday was hard. I got an e-mail from my church letting us know that a friend had lost his sister and the family would need prayer...the sister was 51 years old and had fought a life long battle with Juvenile Diabetes. It said that her 25 year old daughter would also need prayers. While I know you can live a good life with Diabetes it's not something we'll ever be able to shake and sometimes I feel like we're fighting a losing battle! Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough to keep his sugar good all the time and no matter what I will fail because I can't control things like growth, like gym class, sports, stress, a big test, a crush, running too much, not running enough, swimming. Why couldn't I be the diabetic!? Why does it have to be him and not me?

Followed by the call that I'm not pregnant. I didn't want to be pregnant but I had kind of gotten used to the idea of being pregnant...I had rearranged bedrooms in my head, thought about the cloth diapers I'd buy, and planned maternity leave...so just for the day I was sad. A baby is never a bad thing. I may not have planned him or her but that didn't mean it wasn't what I would want.

Then came the news that the CVSO (person who does my job) in Franklin County plead guilty to stealing over $11000 in just 10 months. I liked her, I trusted her and I just felt...angry with her. I don't want to be angry...it's not really my thing but I also think that my feelings about Lane Michael's diabetes and not being pregnant may have influenced my feelings about Gloria.

Then to top my day off Ethan was struggling with homework that he should have gotten months ago...he should understand all of this by now and he just doesn't! He doesn't get it and I know it's his ADD but if he is struggling this much with kindergarten stuff then what will the years to come be like!

I'm tired. I'm tired of my kids having problems that they d0n't deserve, struggles that will affect them for years to come and not know how to help them. I feel helpless. I am helpless. I will give this to God. I will give them to God! I know that God is in control of all this! Saying that, saying God is in control helps, knowing that he's got my back helps!

Quick Update

I am not pregnant *quick sigh of relief* Moving on!

55 my hormone level is 55

And that means I'm either pregnant or ovulating. We aren't sure which. I hate this feeling. Yuck! Will update when I can!

Ethan gave me his wedding toast...

You know that old saying "kids say the darnedest things" So so true. I'm sarcastic, and instead of yelling or saying how I feel, I usually make a snide, sarcastic or snarky comment about how I feel. It's my defense mechanism. My kids have not only caught on to my use of sarcasm but have started using it on me! Lane Michael especially. Most recently he has told Todd things like "Change your attitude, Snarky" and "You are a sad sad little man" he told me "You are a sick sick woman" yes son, I am. He has a drier sense of humor and doesn't live to make people laugh, he's usually uncomfortable with people laughing at him or even with him. Ethan however lives to make people laugh...with or at him! He doesn't care as long as people are laughing. But this weekend, he wasn't laughing. he was serious. this is no joking matter. We were coming home from Urbana and Andy (my nephew) was feeding Ryan a bottle. This is the conversation between Ethan and Andy:
Andy: I love babies
Ethan: me too. but I'm never having any because I'm never getting married.
Andy: me neither
Ethan: welcome to the club dude!
Andy: thanks
Ethan: If I ever do get married, I'll run away and if I do come back, I'll slap her and tell her she's a mistake and then run away again.
someone will have to warn his wife to lock the doors when he runs away. I feel obligated.

Uh Oh

Was that a line I saw? It was a half a line...that means I have a trace of the hormone necessary. But we prevent this sort of thing from happening. It can't be. Oh but it might be. hm. We shall see!

How do you fight with your person?

I'm arguing with my Mom right now. I'm not used to arguing with her. I'm a huge blubbery mess and it's actually kind of gross (not a good look for anyone). I'm not even really sure what either of us are mad about at this point, which makes fixing things even harder. It's been coming on for a long time now....and it all came to a head over a stupid trailer. Instead of telling her how I felt as small things started happening I let it build. Big mistake. I'm not a yell er by nature but today I yelled. I'm a loud person but not an angry yell er. Today I yelled out of anger. She tried to put lots of blame on different people through out the conversation (mainly herself) but I don't appreciate blame. Sometimes a situation just sucks and someone loses. I think I might be the one to lose this time. Let's suffice to say that I'm sorry I ever said anything. I feel worse than I did before calling. I'm not even sure we understood each other enough to say that she knows what I'm upset about. I know I don't know exactly what she is upset about. I'm sure she is mad that I'm upset. I'm hurt. This hurts. I don't want to stop hanging out with Lou and his family but I won't keep this going. I will however allow her to have him and vice verse, that sounds like I am willing or trying to end any kind of relationship. That's not it. I just think that if she can't have both of us and we can't be treated equally or properly that maybe it's time for me to step back for awhile. You know, there have been job offers that I didn't take because they were so far away, now I'm thinking that maybe a little distance would do us some good. I just don't know how to make things better. I won't leave my job. I love my job in my county with my veterans. So maybe just some distance while no one actually goes any where. She can come and pick up my boys if she needs some time with them, I would never keep them from her...I'm not even keeping myself from her, just giving us some breathing room. *sigh* I don't know how to fight with her. She's my person! How do you fight with your person? I'm upset about a few things, some of them are harder to pin point because it would take forever and then there are things that would take forever to type out and there are the things I'm wrong about...I want things fixed before we make up and go on like nothing happened. Problem is there is no "fix" that's not really an option because no one is "wrong". This makes me sick to my stomach! I just want to go back in time to 11:20 and take it all back, just get over it.

Is that not the funniest thing you've ever seen! HAHA He reminds me of those pictures of dogs with the giant head and itty bitty bodies! LOL I can't get over it! Man I love this kid!

What a weekend! Friday night we went out to the H's house to spend some time with good friends eating great food! We played spoons, and laughed harder than we have in a long time! It was a much larger group than usual so not as intimate but still fun! Lots of small children running wildly across the acres of land! Saturday was an absolute disaster! It started out ok but slowly one thing after another went wrong...but mainly, I spilled paint on my sun porch floor and we had a tree limb fall and take out some power lines! Yuck! The power company got us fixed up but the whole tree (maybe both) will have to come down. But Saturday night was great! We went to my brothers house to play cards and celebrate my nephews 16th birthday! Happy Birthday Cody! (I love that kid). But we got home late and (get this) 5 minutes after I started a load of diapers, I realized my boys had no clean jeans for Easter, so I had to wait up for the diapers to finish washing, to throw in the jeans but had to wait up for those to finish washing so I could put them in the dryer (it was 3 when I finally went to bed). Up at 6:20 for sunrise service, and a great Easter...one of the best ever...maybe THE best! Everyone behaved, no children required any discipline, candy was plentiful and so was family! I think we may have outgrown my Grandma's house! We're just too big! LOL we had 32 people total (18 adults, 3 teens, 1 preteen, 8 kids, and 2 babies otherwise known as a full house!) At any rate it was a great day! The kids played outside almost the whole time....all except Lane Michael who isn't really into nature...I asked him "Lane Michael, why aren't you outside?" He said "Mom there's lots of grass and trees...and well outside out there. I want to be in where there is no dirt, grass, trees." LOL Strange little kid!