My Testimony...

A few weeks back my pastor called me, he explained to me that we had some new people attending our church, that they weren't sure how to make this change (becoming "Christians") in themselves and were asking to hear some Christian testimony, how others had made this commitment, a change in life so drastic that it changes you from the core. Not everyone experiences this head over heels life change, for some it's more like a light coming on, or going home...but it's something for everyone who experiences it. I want to share my testimony...I don't have that light coming on or that 180 flip...I was a cradle Christian...Jesus and God they just always were...there was never a moment when they weren't. So my testimony doesn't really lie in how I came to know Christ as my savior but more what Christ has brought me through. I've been an adult for roughly 10 years...a decade, one short decade....and I've experienced so much more than my "fair share" all in God's plan of course but nonetheless more than my childhood prepared me for...I had the perfect childhood...no on died, we traveled, my Mom stayed home, my Dad worked a good job, I dated, my brother left for the Army and I spent so much time with my adult sister, I probably needed my own bedroom...all very cookie cutter-like! Anyways, 3 months after my 18th birthday I left for the Army, man was I naive...I'm lucky to have survived, white girl out of cornfield county! I had never had ANY experience with ANY other race or religion! (I think my parents did me a great disservice by not educating me on tolerance of others race, religion and culture - - I missed out on a lot of friendships because of this). It was downhill from there. In that short decade since leaving the comfort of my parents home I have been raped, I have stayed in the PICU for a week with my child as he was diagnosed with diabetes, I have held my seizing child's body, I have buried a child, I have buried my father, I have nursed my husband back to health from a very bad accident, I have sat through more doctors appointments then I care to share, I have prepared for the adoption of a child who never came, survived terrorist attacks, watched my husband go to war and return a different man...all significant life changing events...I wear each as almost a badge of honor. Bad things that God has not only carried us through but blessed us. The last ten years haven't been bad...in fact it's been wonderful. We're blesses, we're happy. Our struggles haven't defined me, but shaped me, shaped my relationship with Christ, given me a relationship, and made me dependent on that relationship. I need him like I need air, food, pure basic essential. After Lane was diagnosed, we went through whirlwind and before life had even settled into a new routine, we were saying good-bye to Braden and that's when my relationship with Christ really started to form. Because while God was always there, he was just that, there. More a watchdog than my loving protecting father. I had never really needed "protecting" never been unsure of anything until then....never needed carried...I had always walked...but then I needed carried. And I've been carried often since then...and will continue to need carried. Times when I can't walk, or refuse to walk...those are the times when I can give it to God...take a long hot shower, beat on his chest, scream and cry, then get up, walk away and know that God's got it from there.

My better than ever husband just handed me our youngest son so he could go do Bible study with our big boys, our healthy, vibrant, fun big boys...and Ryan just said Mama. It doesn't get better than this.

I wanted to post about abortion.

But today is not the day for a post about abortion! My kids are being dedicated on March 14th (if you're in the area, join us!). So I went shopping with my Mom for a few things and while I was there I thought I'd pick up outfits for them to wear for their dedication. So I went to T.J Maxx but they didn't have anything I wanted for the big boys so we went to Childrens - Place and found the CUTEST outfits for the big boys...which just happened to match an outfit given to me by Sarah (thank you btw) for Easter this year! I can't wait for the pictures and for my boys to be dedicated! So we were talking about God parents and we have 3 couples we feel are very qualified for different reasons...we have other couples but these 3 are the finalists. We have Rebecca and Brian (my cousin and her husband)...they've been there for everything and will always be there for us, Rebecca is my best friend and they love my children. Laura and Aaron (best couple friends)...they have 4 boys younger than Lane and Ethan...they have a strength in faith that's hard to find, are smart and would lay down their lives for anyone (and have for us). Ron and Kelly (best couple friends)...they have one daughter who is 13 and were never able to have more children...they share a lot of the same qualities as Laura and Aaron...they love with their whole hearts! So we knew we had the right couples when we asked Lane and Ethan "if we couldn't talk to you about God and if we couldn't take you to church, who would take you?" Lane Michael immediately said "Cool Aunt Becca and Uncle Brian" and Ethan right behind him said "Uncle Aaron and Aunt Laura" these were the couples we had discussed for these boys. Kelly and Ron have a special place in their hearts for Ryan, they have him every chance and have actually stayed home from work to have him when I had to work...they are who we would pick for him. It was perfect. The only problem is that I have family that will be offended...devistated with our choices...life was different when the boys were first born, and people I chose wouldn't be who we'd choose now...I put people's feelings before the purpose of God parents. Todd refuses to do that...I appreciate that in him for something like this...if we ever needed the spiritual well being met by someone other than us, we know who would pull through....we also know who wouldn't...who would be too far away and who doesn't have the strength in faith....nothing against these people but our faith is very important to us and our children growing up with a strong sense of God is our number one priority! Enough business! This is a celebration! We are dedicating our children to God, to honoring God and to raising Godly men! This is exciting for us! For all of us! Wish us luck! We have to stand infront of the whole church with three little boys!

I work 2 blocks from my home for a reason!

Yesterday was a bad day. I had only had 2-3 hours of sleep and it was definitely shaping up to be bad. Just bad. At 3:00 I left the office to go to a home visit in a nearby town (St Marys), a 20 minute drive (to the other side of the small town). As I turned onto my destination road (10 more miles) I got a call, Rebecca. I thought Lane's sugar must be off. No, worse. much worse. The boys didn't get off the bus at her house like they're supposed to every Tuesday and Thursday when Todd is in school. There was a sub, maybe they're still on the bus. I called the school bus garage. Neither bus has them and they aren't at the school. This is one of my biggest fears in life. If they had been on the bus to go home then they had been dropped off 25 minutes earlier and there were lots of bad scenarios running through my mind. This was bad. I was hysterical. I called my Mom

me: *sob* WHERE ARE YOU *sob*
Mom: I'm coming, where are you?
me: *sob* the boys got off the bus at our house 25 minutes ago *sob sob sob* no one is there *sob sob sob*
Mom: I'm on my way.
hang up
two minutes later she calls back to tell me she and Landa are on their way, each going a different direction looking for them. Mom was with them within 5 minutes of us finding out there was a problem, Lane's sugar was 59, low but not the emergency it could have been. They had locked themselves in the back porch and were freaking out. They clung to Mom for the rest of the afternoon. They were scared but they were ok. *sigh* I have rarely been that scared as a parent and we've been through lots of scary times! Lane's first seizure (10 months old), Ethan jumping off the roof, Lane's diabetes diagnosis week, Lane's second seizure, Ethan's body temp dropping to 93 at 2 days old, Lane's third seizure, fourth and fifth. All very scary stuff! This was different, there was no one to tell us it would be ok, there was any number of things that could have happened! Twenty five minutes of unsupervised activities, they could have been in the road, they could have been taken, Lane could have had a seizure, his blood sugar could have plummeted, Ethan could have chased a cat into the road, he could have hurt himself jumping off of something else. There are just so many possibilities! Ugh!

That time of year!

You know what I mean! The time of year I wait for, the time I yearn for! That time when I get to sit down and look at how we've done, where we're going and set goals! Yes you guessed it FINANCIAL PLANNING TIME! YEAH!!! I am that nerd. I love financial planning. It makes me perfect for my job since my job is to look at other peoples finances, tweak what I can and help them dig out! *sigh* my dream job! Anyways! This is about MY finances and this year I will be more open and honest than ever. I will trust you with my actual numbers. So here it goes. Be nice but I am wide open to any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and any suggestions:

Income:
$827 monthly
$834
$834 (my check)
$906 (Todd's check)
$3401 TOTAL

Bills:
$725 house
$426 truck
$176 ATV
$200 credit cards (don't judge)
$130 Verizon cell phones (2 lines)
$70 cable/Internet
$200 electric
$110 heat
$170 insurance
$2207 TOTAL

Leaving a difference of $1194. I obviously had to do some rounding and estimating as our electric and phone are never the same month to month and I pay a little extra on the house, truck, ATV and credit cards. I this year will change that strategy...instead of paying a little extra to each of these, I will pay more towards the credit cards and no extra to the house, truck and ATV. Also with our tax return we will pay off one credit card, leaving us with just one credit card to concentrate on. The balance on the larger credit card is $3200 and the other is $2900. I will pay off the larger first (these credit cards didn't used to have a balance but we had to pay for Todd's truck driving school immediately or face large penalties and credit score problems - -this schooling did profit us more than cost us, even on the credit cards - my credit card will then be used for my travel with work but will be paid off immediately as I am reimbursed for travel). So that leaves $1194 for food, gas and medications (Lane's cost about $150 and mine about $25 each month). Groceries are probably $600/month (this used to be less but we pay for formula)and gas is about $200. Which leaves a gap of $300 to "play with". I will start putting this toward more savings and the credit card bill probably $100 to savings and $200 to credit cards in hopes of paying off the second credit card this year....The $200 payment I have listed is the minimum payment for both credit cards, when one is payed off, I will roll that payment over to the next one...at that rate I stand a fairly good shot at paying off the $2900 by next January and next tax season I can roll that return into my ATV payment and hopefully pay it off (we owe about $5000 on it and with paying another year on it, the pay off maybe low enough by then *cross fingers*). Ok, bring it on, what can we change or rearrange!? I'm always up for suggestions!

Happy Birthday B.

Braden,
I still see you.
I hear you at night,
at bedtime, saying your prayers,
saying a sleepy goodnight,
I watch you follow your brothers,
tell you to be gentle with Baby Ryan,
and snuggle you when you slip on the ice.
When the big boys play a game you inevitably kick the pieces and have to sit in time out.
When Ryan cries, you come, eager to "help" with "Wyan."
I miss you being their brother
as much as I miss you being my son.
I miss only the thought of you
as we never got to meet face to face.
I miss what could have been
what should have been.
My "Middle child"
one of my 4 best boys.
Never too beautiful for earth
I don't believe in that sentiment.
I think you had more purpose than that
I don't want you minimized and this sentiment (while meant with wonderful intentions) seems to minimize who you are to us.
I don't believe God took you too soon,
but in perfect timing.
His perfect timing
but that doesn't mean you wouldn't have been a wonderful young man
the other night we were all watching a movie, Lane and Ethan on their bean bags, Ryan up with me on the big couch and Todd on the little one...I couldn't help but see you on your own bean bag, such a big boy and when Ethan whispered "sweet" you looked at him adoringly and whispered "fweet" because in my head, that's how you talk. And that's how I know you. I piece together your brothers at that age, Baby Grant and little Eli Braden, and I create my own personal little you. Which also seems to minimize you....making you less you and more my "perfect" you. I want nothing more or less you...just you.

I'm Expecting Fluffy Mail!

I was all set to order my cloth diapers yesterday. I had found the perfect diaper for us, all the reviews said that Smartipants work great for chubby thighed babies and Ryan does have the thighs that could feed Ethiopia! I even had $350 set aside to make this happen! I had checklists of pros and cons of different diapers, I refused to buy any diapers not made in the USA! I didn't want to spend the outrageous price that some seem to be and I wanted a one size fits all so I didn't have to replace them as Ryan gets bigger...since he's our last baby, he's the only baby we'll be cloth diapering....so one size it is. I had it all in Smartipants...the price was right, they were cute, one size and they were pocket diapers, so I would stuff them and Todd would have little to NO work set before him. Then I read a blog (one that I read rather religiously - Keeping up with us) and she wasn't using pocket diapers, or all in ones and suddenly the prefolds didn't seem so scary. I read and re-read her post about the prefolds and covers. I came to the conclusion, Todd can do prefolds. And we saved $200. seriously. We still have our Kushies for when we leave the house or he has to stay with someone who is scared of cloth and if he outgrows those, then I can replace with a few pocket one size diapers from Smartipants! Ok, So what did I go with you ask? I got 24 red edge green mountain prefolds, I got 3 duo wraps size 2 ( in mango orange, white and storm cloud - -the orange is really for me, the storm cloud for Todd and the white in case we need it to not be seen under his clothes) and we got 2 Mommys Touch Wraps (one in cow print and one in camo - - cow print for my cousin and I and camo for Todd) and one 3 pack of snappis. The package should be here Monday. Are you as excited as I am? I think I'm obsessed...Todd KNOWS I'm obsessed and it's all I want to think about. It's exciting and new! I regret not cloth diapering the big boys...especially since some are saying that disposables may be the reason infertility among men spiked 20 years after the introduction of disposable diapers. makes you think. Did you know there are 48 different chemicals laying against your babies skin when you use a disposable diaper. I'm not judging, especially since I use disposables with Ryan and it's all I used with Lane and Ethan. It just makes me sad that I didn't do more research about this stuff with the big boys.

We Did It!!

We made a part time transition to cloth diapers! My cousin gave me her hand-me down Kushies and we LOVE them! Ryan was a little fussy yesterday but it wasn't because he was wearing cloth diapers! They are very little work and lots of fun! I was surprised how much I enjoyed NOT throwing away diapers that would sit in a land fill for CENTURIES! LOL! I also have saved 10 disposible diapers since starting (we've used each diaper twice and have 5). I think I might be a little crunchy or a little hippy at heart....which completely contradicts who I thought I was! LOL! Not the flowy, flowery, tie-dyed kind of hippy but I would like to be more gentle parenting, cloth diapering, baby-wearing, baby food making, free expressing, healthy eating, bicycle riding, compost piling, chicken raising, egg collecting, food canning, gardening kind. I think Todd would let me be those things too...if we had the time to garden a big garden, if we had the space to put the big garden, if we lived where we could have chickens. you know? OK so I completely changed subjects! Anyways, I think I'm going to extend my "stash" (I like that word) with a few prefolds/covers and smartipants diapers. And maybe a variety pack. Wish me luck!