Monday, April 28, 2008

I just got word from my social worker that she will be contacting the babies county to get more information on her and then she will get back with me. She also said that she'll be working hard to get my license finished this week. I didn't mean to go behind her back when I put in the interest form on the baby but I think I soon as I did it, I e-mailed her to tell her what was going on, she's great and we love her, we would never do anything to make her angry but I still can't help thinking that I did...maybe she wasn't angry as much as caught off guard. I think she expected us to take, foster and someday adopt from Auglaize. It's kind of like, we have our foster license and she put so much work and effort into our case and we won't even be a fostering family. We're only in it for us. Someday we will foster...someday. Right now I want to raise my kids, and make sure they are well adjusted, happy, successful and healthy. I can only divide my time so many times before the kids are the ones suffering. So I guess what I'm saying is that I feel slightly guilty about wanting a baby that we won't have to work/wait for. If we get this baby, she will be with us soon...maybe within one month. But then surely there is a family out there that will get chosen over us. They are black, Mom a stay at home mom and Dad a doctor, or something equally as fabulous, they attend church, never drink, are both holding positions on the board of Christian Education and they would love her too. What a good family I have dreamt up. But the thing is...we want her too. Todd was hesitant at first, saying things like "are we just taking the first baby to come along" the answer is no, she meets EVERYTHING we put on our criteria. Then today he called just to see if we've heard anything about her. To ask if Summit had contacted us, or if our case worker called...his hopes are up, and I think we might be getting attached to the idea of a baby...that sounds silly, since we've been on the adopton path for 7 months now, but we're just getting to the point where it might be a reality...I'm scared.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Ok, We May Be Ready

I don't have a nursery painted or set up but I had my neice, Sanoi last night and we did fine. I think we have everything we could need for a baby. My cousin is done with one of her cribs and will be sending it our way. We bought a dresser over the weekend at a garage sale, we'll have to sand, and paint it but that's no big deal, we have a changing table, a rocking chair, blankets and clothes...if we get a child over 9 mos we'll have to do some clothes shopping but other than that we should be golden! We have spoons, and diapers, a swing and a bouncy seat. So all in all I think we're good. The one thing I should do it get my clothes out of her closet. I'm a closet hound! In our farm house (sold a year ago) the master bed room had two walk in closets and I used one and a half of those, plus the wardrobe on the stairs! I don't even have that many clothes!

Friday, April 25, 2008


We are 11 days from being licensed for foster and adopt. A 1 yr old girl just came up for adoption and currently the foster family is not adopting, she has minimal health issues and is beautiful, we applied. We are hoping for the best outcome for her, if she isn't meant to be my daughter, then I want her to find the mommy meant for her. Our little girl will come in her time...I just would like for this to be it. We aren't getting our hopes up but that would be nice. But I don't want to jinx it. She does have minor medical issues...but we can do minor medical issues...that we can do! Please pray for the best outcome to this situation and to above all else keep this baby girl safe!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

African Childrens Choir and a day at home!

This Saturday we had the African Children's Choir in town, Todd and I hosted 3 of the children, Edgar, Ephraim and Joseph. They were incredible! The boys are good kids with more manners than I've ever seen in anyone, and more appreciation for simple things than I could shake a stick at. I was talking to one of the chaperone's and we were asking questions about the kids, he said that one of the boys lives with an aunt, and her children, it's five people in their home which is a one room hut, smaller than our kitchen! WOW! It must be overwhelming to come to the US at such a young age and see so many new things, and experience all of this, the boys were 8,8, and 10 years old...but all of them were old souls!! They took to us quickly and hugged us often!

On Monday, I felt that I hadn't seen my boys in so long that we took the day off! I called in a comp day and the boys stayed home from school! We watched cartoons, rode the 4-wheeler and played outside, went to visit my mom and dad but just had an especially good day. I told Ethan it was his special day and we could eat where ever he wanted to eat, do what he wanted to do and play what he wanted to play. It was good for him to have that kind of attention. As the brother of a diabetic, sometimes Ethan gets jipped on attention. Lane requires so much, and Ethan is a naturally easy kid to raise, those two things make for a bad combination when we're trying to give him the attention he will get easier as time goes on, and days like this will help. I hope someday my kids know just how special I think they are!

That being said, I also realized this weekend that no matter what job I hold or what position it is (low man on the to tum pole or head honcho) my job will always come before my family. It doesn't matter if I'm a bank teller, a service officer, a waitress or a doctor...I will never be able to put things in their rightful more thing to take into consideration in my job decision!

Friday, April 18, 2008

African Orphans

We will be the host family to 2 or 3 African Orphans who are members of a childrens choir, touring the states...we are thier first stop. We're very excited, if not a little nervous! We will pick up our group on Saturday at 5 and take them back on Sunday at 9:30. It's not a lot of time, but I'm still very excited! They will be performing at 10:30 at our church...I bet they're more nervous than we are! lol!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Diabetes Sucks...

Lane's last A1C was high so the doctor was super careful to go over EVERYTHING for his care. I get the care, I'm good at it, but I don't make changes to anything without her I have to now not only track carbs but also calories. Yep, as if I don't have enough to do already! Every meal takes the normal prep time plus an extra 20 minutes just to count now it will take even LONGER! yuck. I don't mind diabetes, it's a diagnosis that allows life to go on as normal for the most part, and Lane is good at getting shots and being careful with his diabetes but counting calories stinks...I'm not bitter about diabetes...I'm just upset that now we also have to figure calories...I guess we were supposed to all along but there is so much to learn in that first week that I guess I neglected that part...oops! The doctor was unusually sweet today to Lane and to me...she's usually good with her patients but comes off mean and intimidating to the care takers...I think it's that I'm finally starting to understand her when she talks. Which is good because with something this important, I don't want to misunderstand her! She said that my meals look fine, but he needs more fatty foods...which is opposite of everything we're ever told for a normal person, we should all keep our calories to a minimum...he needs more calories...more butter, meat and mayonaise (the good calories). This is hard...and time consuming! But man, he's worth every minute!! I fear the day he wants to take over his own care...I will never be ready to relinquish that control! I know that it's so far in the future but he's already doing all his own testing, which means it won't be long until he's doing his own shots! Imagine as a normal parent, letting your six year old give themselves shots...that's what we're looking at! By at least 7 he has to be doing his own shots when he's with us. I don't think at school they're allowed to do their own shots, but when we have him, he has to be learing this stuff! The way I see it, he's going to have to do this forever, so why should I make him do it now...he has a lifetime to do it...unless they find a cure.

Monday, April 14, 2008

So Much To Do.

I feel like I have so much to do...but I don't have any time restraints, so I don't have the motivation to do anything...I need NEED NEED to finish painting the baby's room! I need to find a place for everything that's in the babies room, I have closets to organize and clothes to put away (mostly baby clothes), I have a dresser to buy and paint...oh who am I kidding, I don't even have a crib yet! So you see, I have SO much to do, but there is no does anything get done with no dead line? Besides, why not just close the door and play 'Chuts & Ladders' instead? On top of everything else, I need to get our camper ready, for in case we go camping soon, the basement has been struck by a tornado (aka my five year olds) and the bathroom has been used for like a week without my good scrubbing (I was called out of town on business last week, and haven't gotten all caught up yet).

in other news:
I am officially an accredited VETERANS SERVICE OFFICER
Like I said earlier, I had to go out of town last week because I was being accredited and I took my test on Friday and passed with FLYING COLORS! Very exciting! I can now officially do my job! It's good news! I was nervous about the test...I know my stuff and do my job well but I wasn't sure if I could relay it to paper in a crunch that would determine how I am viewed by my co-workers. It's silly I know, but I was nervous! But in the end I passed and that's what matters!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Lunch with a Friend

I love lunch with a hour to retreat and talk about the issues and non-issues of life! I love that about Kelly! She's a friend that I can always count on for good insight and a second opinion...she and I logic alike...we are a lot alike...for the most part...I'm dominant in my marriage, and she's passive. I make the decisions, where she has more of a 50-50 with her hubby. So as much as we think alike, I was concerned what she would think of my "stay at home mom" idea...I was nervous to bring it up so I e-mailed her to get her insight, she wrote back saying this was too big to talk about over a broken conversation of e-mails that could be mis-read, so she asked me to lunch. Today at lunch I became immediately (inwardly) defensive thinking of all the arguments for S.A.H.M. that I've been going over in my head, and to my WONDERFUL surprise, she said it's sounds like a great idea...well thought out and her only concern is my sanity! I'm so excited...either people have figured out that I am going to do whatever I want no matter what they have to say or they truly support me! I opt to believe they truly support me! I have met very little confrontation when I talk about being a SAHM which I didn't mom was/is a SAHM and quite frankly my generation needs somewhere the kids can go in a pinch...I want to be that person...I'm the only one with the flexibility and the desire not to mention I'm the one most people will trust with the kids...or feel comfortable enough to ask to take them...I think it's because I'm a people pleas er...yes I admit it! So then I asked how her family was and she has a S-I-L who I have never felt liked me or I was jealous of...I never felt like I could compare to her, well Kelly said that while she loves her nieces and nephews, she's discovered they are TERRIBLE! They can't behave and refuse to listen! Kelly said that no matter how active (hyperactive) my boys are, they're still good boys and they still listen...I know that I have good kids but I can never tell if other people know it...because they're twins I think people just lump them together and all they see are two little boys being mischievous! I'm glad to know that other people see my kids the same way that I do! I know that people love them but I can never tell who can handle the constant busy-ness that is my boys! I love it!

Monday, April 7, 2008


I'm truly excited about the thought of being a stay at home mom! I love the idea, I will love staying home, I love making these changes in our life, and I just can't wait. I'm nervous about getting Lane's prescriptions paid for when I makes me nervous and anxious. I can't imagine leaving my position without this being why will NO ONE concrete this information for me!? It makes me doubt myself, my decision and our ability to make this change. What I don't doubt is the necessity for the change! Our social worker is looking into whether we can do this and still adopt...the adoption never was and never will be a deciding factor in whether or not I continue working...right now I have to focus on the children I have right now. I'm sick to my stomach over whether or not I can do this and keep our heads above water...I know that in the end it will all work out, if it hasn't worked out, then it's not the end, I also know that I will lay this at God's feet...let God take care of this...There is a verse that I love, it says that if God will take care of the birds of the sky, why would we wonder if God will take care of us...I'm a worrier by is what I do! I write lists and I lose sleep, I agonize and then when I have exhausted myself, my family and my husband, I leave it with God (yes I know this is not how God intended, I'm working on it). So, like every other time I need to let go of something, I will make a list of thing to occupy my time, and my energy...I will clean, and paint, take walks (this isn't a good solution because I think while I walk), I will really work at laying this down.

Friday, April 4, 2008

I know that goals are good...

I said in an earlier post that I have a few financial goals, one is to be debt free...I have been working on this faithfully, watching our spending, and looking for ways to cut back. We are getting there. But we also felt our lives being tugged another direction...something is missing. I have looked and re-looked at our finances from many angles...and no matter how I cut the pie the result is ALWAYS the same, half of my paycheck goes to pay someone else to watch my children! HALF people! HALF! I work 8-9 hours a day for someone else to raise my kids! I see my kids 3 hours a night THREE HOURS! This is ridiculous! But my husband didn't see it my way. He didn't see that my children spend 9 hours with some other woman, he doesn't see that our kids will spend every summer from here to an unforeseeable future date in a brick building...they won't spend the summers at the pool...I can't stand the thought. It hurts...I cry when I think of the childhood memories my kids will someday cherish! I was raised by a stay at home mom while dad worked long hours to make sure we were well cared for...the one thing I don't remember is the stuff. I don't remember wanting anything or needing anything! We had it all! What else could there be! It was fun...we didn't do much...flew kites and jumped on the trampoline...swam and set up home made slip and mom always taught Vacation Bible School and we always had a couple of cousins for the summer...but we did one or two trips to the zoo and one or two to Cedar Point...other than that we took walks and played in the yard...I was never was a great way to grow up and seriously I had a GREAT childhood! That is what I want! We'll go to the pool and the fair, we'll do play dates and maybe plant a garden...I'm excited about this...I will miss my job and my veterans. I will miss being a grown up...but right now I miss my kids! I want to quit my job and my husband said yes, so we will start looking at getting to a place where we can afford for me to stay home full's still up for negotiation but I'm sure this is what I want. I want to raise my kids!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

When is American enough?

If you are sensitive or have issues with sensitive subjects, please consider this my disclaimer.

In spirit of all things election and adoption, where does the fine line of race end? I do quite a bit of reading, how to help your child understand their heritage, and the country they are from, especially in a trans racial adoption. Ok, take them to cultural diverse events, celebrate thier heritage and allow them to express how they feel about that. But where does that become over kill that creates a barrier, at what point are we screaming to our children "YOU ARE DIFFERENT" "YOU WILL NEVER BE LIKE US" When do I get to tell people that my child is an American? When I go to the doctor's office and they say 'do you consider yourself caucasian?' I don't say 'well I'm French-American" they would laugh at what they thought was me making a joke. Don't get me wrong, I know that history and geneology is important to some people, but my history isn't in Germany or France, it's here. I was born in the U.S. I'm American. My parents are American. My history is as diverse as any ones. My ancestors have done some things that I can't be proud of, but they've done some wonderful things too. But what I know is American history, the rise to power, the wars the Great Depression, the mistakes and the politics. Am I a bad parent if I struggle with the significance of ancestory? I know that my children (biological and adopted) will want to know who they are...but I am not a French-American, I am an American, my family moved from Europe to the United States. This doesn't have near the impact on me, that living in a small community in Ohio has had. I don't eat snails, or schnitzel. I eat meat and potatoes, I eat vegetables and no pork (high school experiment gone wrong). I eat pizza. If I was from New Orleans I'd eat jumbalaya, I love it...but I don't have a clue how to fix it. if I lived in Maine I'd eat all lobster all the time, I love it but it's expensive. If I lived in Texas, I'd eat steak and it, but I can't cook. I drive a van and my husband a Blazer, if we lived in NY City, we'd take the public transportation and do a lot of walking, if we lived in Texas, we'd drive trucks. I'm sure you get my point...I am more affected by where I was raised and where I live than where my blood line stretches back to. I understand why people want to hold onto that heritage, but when does it take a back seat? When is it a title we can let go of? When am I an American of European decent? American of African decent? When is being an American enough?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


I have found that my life runs in cycles. I have cycles in my religion, in my career, and in my home life...with my religion, I go through cycles of seeking out God and his word, his works and knowing how blessed I am, then I will go into a low point where I become less connected, I don't stop attending church, and I don't stop praying with my kids, but I do stop meditating on God and his power in my life, I become almost absent in my faith...then I snap out of it and of course God is there with open arms to welcome me home...I'm never angry at God, it's just a loss of passion for him...I always regret it and am angry at myself for allowing it to happen but I seemingly always fall into it! Then there is the cycle of my family and home life...much more severe. I get frustrated with my kids, I don't appreciate my husband and this always seems to come hand-in-hand with the down swing in my religion cycle. Like the Devil is working against me and my family when he knows I am at my weakest point. And finally my career cycle. I have done it with every job I've EVER had. I get in, and am so passionate about the job and I love it, I learn it, and very nearly live it. Then after it is learned, I get comfortable, and when I get comfortable, I get lazy and complaisant. Then I get distracted and it usually takes a break or a training event to snap me out of it...problem is, I'm tired of these cycles! Right now I'm on an up-swing at home and in God, but I'm in a down-swing in my job. I've been complaisant and I don't like it...the thing is, getting back on the horse is so hard. I love my job and will never leave it...but sometimes I just need a break. Here lately I've been taking lots of breaks but they aren't's trips to the hospital, and trips to the doctors, homestudies and dentists. I'm not complaining...I just don't know what to do. We're going on vacation in May, and that would help but it's so far away and I don't have all the money saved that I would like to have to make me comfortable. Not that vacation would not be fun without the extra money but it would make it so we can ALL do the things we want. We're spending the week at Cedar Point, so we'll have a hotel for 3 nights, and we'll have 4 tickets to the African Safari, 4 tickets to the water park, 8 tickets to Cedar Point, plus meals and groceries and souveniers! I'm not picky about hotels...I would like a pool (inside and out) and room service...but if I can't get those then no big deal...I'd also like the hotel to have a massage therapist so I can get a massage while I'm there...I don't know if we'll have time though! Hard to tell! Lane is so excited about vacation that he talks about it ALL the time...vacation and camping.