Thursday, June 12, 2008

What is this feeling and where did it come from?

Most importantly...when will it go home? Lately I've been self-doubting and strange. I find myself wondering if I talked to Lane and Ethan like they were little boys for long enough! What a ridiculous thought...I wonder if we're doing the right thing by adopting instead of just having a bio child...or just being happy with the perfect children God has blessed us with...I wonder if I should make the changes I've been wanting to make (becoming a SAHM) or if I should just keep life the way it is...I just don't know. Why can't I just know the way life should be going...I really want to adopt but I'm also impatient...yes I know I should leave it at the feet of the Lord and yes I know that God is probably teaching me patience and of course our little girl will come in her time...but on the other hand....are we cheating ourselves by excluding boys from our search...or am I cheating Todd out of watching a babies first few months by not insisting on a little bitty (or having a bio) - he left for Iraq when the boys were two months old and saw them only during leave until he moved to Ohio when they were almost a year old...Todd missed 10 mos of the first that fair to him. Is it fair to the boys to add to the family when we are so perfect...but I don't feel like we're complete...I'm ready to go home to cuddle a little bitty at the end of the day, I'm ready to clean up toys and kiss napping lips...I'm ready to rock a sleepy screaming baby to sleep and somewhere there is a little bitty screaming that needs rocking...but my county doesn't have any children coming into care (which thank God for no abuse in my county but the thing about abuse is that it will never fully go away)...our county has like two kids in care right now...seriously. 2. So there are homes that are full to capacity and beyond in other counties but here we sit waiting for our placement!

I just talked to a friend of mine who went through the classes with us and they just got their first placement last Friday! I'm so excited for them! They got two little girls (temporary care) who are 4 & 5 years old! It's nice to hear that we didn't sign up for a program that is going nowhere. That's how I was starting to feel but now I think it's just that we're picky...but it's ok because we're willing to wait for what we want! Phew...that phone call came just in time!!

PS My good friend Jesse just e-mailed me to let me know that she had Baby #2 on June 3rd, a healthy bouncing baby boy, Carter...everyone is doing well, Congrats Jesse!


Sarah said...

It's just a rut, I get in them too. It always seems like forever before they blow over, but they do. Don't doubt yourself. Keep listening to your heart and I'm sure you'll find the way you are suppose to go!

Jessa said...

Dear Lyn,

I have asked myself ALL of your questions...and then some. I think that each time I cannot sleep/stop crying, I am being flooded with truth because I am ready for it.

So keep asking your questions-- growing pains are just that-- and your answers will surface when you're ready.

Turns out most dads don't dote on babies as much as we do (not even my DH, who is the baby whisperer!)-- so moms usually do the lion's share of newborn care, and dads look forward to when the baby starts *doing something*! If you work outside the home (OTH) can you deal with near-sleepless nights for months on end? Do keep in mind that drug-addicted and/or tramuatized babes do not sleep as well as normal newborns. And then again, loving foster-to-adopt parents have the ability to make a HUGE difference in a child's life, and the earlier the better. Do you have to work OTH? Have you made a pros and cons list yet? Can you afford to be a SAHM right now or are there things you still need/want to do with your income? Not that it is about material things, but if you want to have the nursery/room just so for your little girl, then start building it. That's what I did, and I swear to you: When the nursery was ready (albeit with a crib on layaway at Big Lots), the call came. But then again, we got the call two days after we were licensed. That is just the sad reality of living near Denver.

As for being too picky, there's no such thing imho (in my humble opinion). We've had other foster parents look down their noses at us for wanting to foster-adopt and one foster mom said to me very condescendingly, "Oh, if I was in it just to adopt I would have had to go through 14 kids to get to that one baby!" JUST TO ADOPT?! Just to stop getting a check for the care of a child and take on the LIFELONG responsibility of her care? Oh, well, EXCUSE ME for living! LOL! Besides the fact that I guarantee she took in every child the agency called her with and that is not our plan for our family. Sometimes foster parents who do not have biological children (a.k.a. "bios") do not understand our need to protect our "core" family, so seek out foster parents who have bios (hey, like me! you already did! :>D ).

That is great news about your county! You picked a great place to raise a family! Would it be possible to stay in the program you're in but go outside your county? As in, get on an openings list in another county/state? I don't know if you would be able or willing to manage potentially long drives outside of your county for visits and possibly other apppointments but it's a thought.

I highly recommend one parent being a SAHP for very young foster babies and children who need to experience attachment/bonding in a stable home. It's not that both parents working OTH doesn't give stability, but they sometimes need above and beyond what daycare or preschool can provide. You may find that you will want to make the change when you grow your family, just like you would maybe decide not to go back to work after maternity leave with a bio-- you can do the same with that foster baby/child that rocks your world!

Sadly, you will get the call one day. It will be one of the worst days of another mother's life and one of the best of yours. It will come... and when it does, you can take comfort in knowing that everything is unfolding exactly as it's supposed to be (at least that's what I have decided). Keep trusting, keep asking, and keep blogging...Love, Jessa

P.s. I imagine that your boys and husband will love having a little sister and daughter. I know mine are loving our Baby Grrl. She is truly a protected princess and loves airplanes, cars and trucks already! As it turns out, girls come with a motor, too-- Mara loves to drive things around the house with her "bruh bers". Daddy is her soft place to fall and the one she runs to and says, "bup! bup!" whenever she wants to be carried. YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH FOR WANTING A DAUGHTER. I believe God put the wish into our hearts.