Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Change is Hard...

What do you do when you realize you've lost a part of yourself, you've become a mother, and a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter and everything that is important and everything that you are revolves around them? I'm good at what I do...I always have been, no matter what I choose to do, I'm good at high school I decided to lose weight, I ended up very slender, beautiful and had an eating disorder. In the Army, that's who I was, I was a Soldier, nothing more, Soldier defined me. When I became a mother, it took over it matter what stage of life I am in, that's who I am...But the thing is, I don't know who I am. I don't know if I'm someone who appreciates long walks on the beach, I'm not witty and I'm ok with that, I'm a pleaser, I do things to please others...when I have down time, I clean, mainly because I have a set of twin five year olds, and a truck driving, weekend warrior husband and I'm a tad OCD. That's not good enough for me. I want to know what would please me...when I think of weekends, it involves playing cards with friends (not a negotiable keeps my sanity), church (also not negotiable) and cleaning. I don't think "this weekend we'll go to St. Louis" that was my parents. They would just go. Any where. We'd get off the bus from school and Mom would say "pack for four days, I've called the principle, we'll pick up your homework on the way out of town" and four or five days later we'd come home. My grandparents were partiers. They'd leave for an afternoon and come home to a party started, food cooking and who knows how many people. I'm neither of those. My mom, she's an artist, known for her work. She paints beautifully and that is beginning to define her. My grandma collects books, all kinds, she has a really, she does. My Dad was a "Jack of all trades and a master of ALL"...he never tried anything he didn't succeed at and if he spoke to you, you felt important. But again, none of this is me, I'm not good with my hands, I'm not overly intelligent, I'm not an artist, or any of those things. And in the past few years I've lost myself. I think I once knew, but I may have lost that person...I want to be happy again...but (this sounds stupid) I don't know if I have time. From the time I wake up, to the time I go to bed, I'm on the go, and none of it is stuff for me...or stuff I want to do. It's work. All of it. So, how do I find me? I think I may have left me in Europe. I love Europe. Someday soon, I'd like to find me again.


Sarah said...

You know what, I think I am the same here. I'm not sure who I am either. I guess I have just been living my life for my family and put myself on the back burner. The only thing that I can say I truly enjoy is garage saling. Sadly enough that is the only thing I can think of. I'm not sure if I have any talent. I'm like you, I like making other people happy. I love doing something that makes someone else feel special. Maybe it is time for me to do some soul searching. Wow, you really got me to thinking. (Sorry I was rambling, my mind is going in a couple different directions. lol)