Friday, October 24, 2008

Do I really want to start over?

Sometimes I doubt myself. Not my abilities or my capabilities, but my real desires. Do I really want to start at square one? Do I really want to go back to the beginning? I'm good at beginnings, but I struggle in the middle, I get "lazy" or complacent. So do I really want to start over? Do I really want one more person in my house to whine at me? Ask when supper will be? Hand money to every Friday night? And Monday morning? Do I want 3 more years of too little to do? Do I want to mess with the dynamics of four? Four is a good number, my friends stopped at four. Four is what the world is made of. A booth or table at a restaurant. A Disney land vacation package, for a family of four. Roller coasters were made for even numbers, not for five. The world was made for four. So why would we want to battle against all of that. Pay for one more, feed one more, clothe one more. Because my family isn't complete. Not because of my "idea" of a family but because of my idea of MY family. I went through phases in my life and for a short time in my early twenties I didn't want any children, but that's not me. For as long as I can remember I've been mesmerized by mega families. I've never wanted one for myself but I find them fascinating. I don't have the patience for more than 5 kids but am not opposed to as many as 5. Life, the economy, healthy and God will of course determine where we stop, but 3 is right for me. Todd goes back and forth, but for now, 3 is my number. Lane and Ethan will be nearly 7 when we have baby number 3...if we don't adopt. We will know in about a week if we'll be adopting, and if not, we will start TTC #3 in January.

I of course know that I already have 3 children, but we've done all for Braden that we can.


Sarah said...

Sometimes starting over can suck, but just remember, you are gonna have all those firsts all over again. The first smile, first words and most heart melting the first love you. It is so worth all the hard work you have to do. Let me know what ya find out about the adoption when you find out.

Jessa F said...

The third time is the charm! I ought to write more about how great it is to be so much more confident and relaxed with #3 that I have actually *enjoyed* her babyhood! So now that the election is over, I will get back to blogging about foster-adopting #3 and how having three children is three times the fun and joy of family! (and actually, it's exponential, so it's more like three squared, or one to the third power)